I know it can be very very frustrating, especially if this is your only car. being able to laugh at yourself is surely a asset.
I gave you my best advice with the joke :)
if its starting when you hold the choke closed, maybe its not getting enough fuel.
I'll pass a piece of advice I received: with key in the on positon (engine off) look down carb and pull on the throttle, you should see fuel squirts being feed into the carb.
but again sounds like timing is off, follow timing advice your getting above.