What would you do?

Buy a Amtrak ticket to say Montana, meet with him to "make amends and bury the hatchet" get him stoned or drunk and put his *** on the train with no wallet or money. Lets see him get home after that. You just have to keep grandma away from the phone for a while. I am sure a dumbass like him will get locked up where he ends up and he will not be your problem.