Feeling about suicide
Ok, I guess I'm not done yet. Mental illness is a screw up of brain chemistry. It's not a matter of choice. It's no different than cancer or any other illness. The difference is the general public thinks you can "think" or "feel" mental illness away. Yes, there is cognitave therapy that works to an extent. Basically, you feel what you think. I am a big beliver in it. It does work..........as long as your brain allows you to think properly. Cognitive therapy DOES NOT help true mental illness. I have the best two friends in the world. My mom and dad love me to no end. When depression hits you, none of that matters. It's not a selfish thing. It doesn't make sense and that only makes matters worse. I know it doesn't make sense but it doesn't matter. That only aggrevates matters. It's maddening.....duh. The things that normally bring you pleasure bring nothing. I wish I had an answer for it. I don't. Nor does anyone else. Depression is a screwy thing. Those that love you tell you that they love you and it doesn't matter. I can't stress this enough bigdummy, please don't deny your friend the love and memory he deserves just because you don't understand why he did what he did. I hope you can find peace with what has happened in your life, it's the only way to continue. Ok, I'm done preaching.
Been there done this. For me it was evidently a chemical change in my body. I have never suffered any sort of mental trauma that should have caused my troubles. Damn near killed me, or rather, the medical community might have. They had me so effed up on pills I didn't know what was up. Notable points:
Before things got real dark, I was seeing a shrink, the pisshead, I was still working, and had just got done putting in a very long week. He told me to "find something to keep busy." I told HIM to follow me around for a week and then tell me that. He didn't get it. I actually had to explain it to him.
I was having some REAL interesting stress symptoms.
I would drive somewhere, someone would "cut in" a little too close, and it would feel like a great big giant clamp was around my kidneys.
My ears would feel like they were moving like a dog
I would get yawn triggers, and could yawn 15-20 times and it would still be there
My forehead would feel like I was burning up, sweating, and it could be as cool as could be.
The hair on my neck would prickle as if I were in danger, my jaws would hurt
I could HEAR my heartbeat in my head, and my blood pressure (then) was fine.
Just reasonably loud noise, even music, would drive me into a tizzy.
I could list this **** for an hour. STRESS
For some time I could not sleep (still can't I just "stay up" till I drop. So they put me on sleeping pills. Nobody bothered to tell me that they cause hallucinations, and I dreamed nightmares over and over again that I was flying, then falling.
Made me dizzy sometimes when awake. I fell of my front porch and twisted my ankle badly right as I was supposed to go back to work on limited duty. The guy I was seeing thought I was faking "you aren't ready to go back, are you?"
I blame the meds for my car crash. I don't remember, "I wasn't there." sideswiped a great big 18 wheeler in the opposite direction, drove an 87 Ranger into the rear duals and knocked the axle out from under the trailer. I remember none of it. I still have pain, along with my arthritis, with my legs, knees, and wrists. I have a pin from my ankle to my knee, and screws in my ankle. This was over 10 years ago.
All this became a gigantic snowball going downhill, pun intended. I became anxious, and still take light meds for anxiety to this day.
Most of this has "gone away." Only thing my current doc can come up with is
My body chemistry has changed again, some,
and of course I don't have the stress I used to have
last, there is some evidence that I suffered a tiny brain ebolism. Nobody knows for sure. I've had several brain scans. Inconclusive
At the depths of this, I was severely depressed, mostly non functional, paranoid, and anxious. Yep. I thought about "it."
The bottom line is...................
You cannot wish, dream, will, or "make" this stuff go away. No amount of "happy pills" helps, anymore than you can get rid of a cold or the flu. IT IS REAL.