Feeling about suicide

Been there, darkest moment of my life was also ironically the calmest. Life was falling apart and the only prospect was the hole was going to deeper. Was sitting on the throne of the second bathroom in my old house with a loaded 357 in my mouth and pulled the trigger. Obviously it did not discharge. The actual act of pulling the trigger was very easy for me. As others have said mental illness is a very real disease. As well as being bi-polar, mixed severe with psychotic tendencies, paranoia issues, persecuatory ideation and a few other things I can testify to it being real. Any one that says it is the cowards way etc I have a question.....who are you to judge anybody? Have you spent a lifetime walking in the shoes of someone whose brain is miswired? Who does not process things the way a healthy brain does? If not, then again I ask who are to judge?
I would be lying if I said the thought of suicide does not regularly roll thru my head. With the recent problem with my wife the thoughts are there. I was sitting at the kitchen table the other night, after getting home from a bike ride with my ccw sitting on the table. I did pick it up and remove it from the holster.
Before anyone says well perhaps my meds need to be adjusted I will say that I am one of the many bi-polar folks that do not do well on the meds. If anything they make things a bit worse. It takes a cocktail of meds to treat most mental illnesses. And I have never found a cocktail that helps. The only thing that does me any good is what I started taking today.....again.
Anyway, for the mentally disturbed often the bottom of the barrel is far from a low point.
Speaking for myself here. Other than my wife I have no family. I do have a sister but due to the history we have we have not spoke in 11 years and will never speak again. So Ernie is it. With the recent rough patch we have had I question whether she really wants to be here anymore, thanks to having documented paranoia issues. But because of the kind of person she is she will never leave me because of the way she feels about marriage. Beyond that I know that she does indeed love me, in her own way. That being said, if I were to commit suicide it would free her of her commitment to me, allowing her to move on with out breaking her marriage vows. And truth of the matter most of the time I do not think very much of myself. So sure she would be hurt at first. But once the mourning stage was over she would move on......Would anybody here honestly even care?