Damsel in distress

A little hard for us to diagnose since not there seeing what you see, and you don't know exactly what to look for or how to describe things exactly, and exact does matter. This is common with many posters, using terms like "won't fire". Those are more a diagnosis than an observation, and are thus often jumping ahead too far. Oil showing on the stick is very good.

The main thing is if the crankshaft will turn. That is the very bottom cluster of pulleys. It even has a mark you match against the "timing tab" (0 to 10 deg marks). One can turn over the crankshaft by hand, by tugging on the "fan belt". If no AC or power steering, that is the only belt. You try to turn the engine over clockwise (when viewed standing in front), i.e. turn the pulley like you would screw on a jar lid. Disconnect the battery - cable first, so the engine can't start. Standing on the passenger's side, grab the fan belt with 2 hands, pulling up on the lower part and pushing away on the upper part. You should be able to budge the crank, even with the spark plugs in. I have known women who work in factories with a stronger grip than me, but you might need to enlist a man under 60. With the plugs in, you should feel each cylinder resist you, which is good. If you feel each cylinder (6 per 2 revolutions) resist you strongly like an "air spring", your engine is excellent.

The alternator shocking you sounds strange. Even touching the +12 V battery terminal shouldn't give a shock.

My guess is the "clank" sound was more of a "clunk", and was just the starter solenoid trying to engage, but dropping out because the battery voltage is too low. Did it sound more like the classic "click-click-click" you see in movies that means "dead battery"? Don't give the battery a "pass" until you get a multimeter (free at Harbor Freight) and measure >10 V between the 2 battery cables (touch the cables, not the battery posts) as you try to crank over the engine. It is common to get large voltage drops thru the post to cable connection, which is why everyone sells battery brushes. Ditto for all the starter connections: thick cable to starter, starter case to transmission, engine grounding strap to battery - terminal.