Where did I go wrong? Other than being a cheap ***

get some 26x10 maybe even a 26x9 slicks. the 26" tire height is the key here. should still hook well and be like you put in a lower gear(4.56)
The temp you posted is extreme! it must be Celsius not fahrenheit LOL
Maybe borrow some street tire in the 25 to 26" height and see if they will hook....just might. It has a pos in it right?