Stop in for a cup of coffee

No because I don't have the 4K to drop on a scan tool for them... and the shops around here are dumber than a box of rocks
$4k??

You don’t need a scan tool for $4k, you just need an OBD II reader and a manual. Only about $400 bucks. Spend a few bucks more and get a multi-vehicle scanner/tuner and do everything.

Like I said, you don't understand how it all works.