Crazy alignment problems

I would say JIM LUSK hit on the head, that is what I was going to say.
get 4 pieces of sheet metal grease in between 2 and put them under your front wheels so they can slide around, use a tape measure in front of wheels and in rear of wheels and set the toe to 0 and that should get you down the road to the shop.
Bounce the car in between adjustments and remeasure.