Crazy alignment problems

I finally got around to tightening the idler arm correctly. It made no difference in my issues.
When the car goes backwards, the front end comes up and toes in.
When it goes forwards, the front end goes way down, toes out and hits the fenders.
I’ve tightened the torsion bars tighter than I feel like they should be, the adjuster bolts are even with each other.
I’ve replaced the UCA cam bolts with new QA1s, set them in every way imaginable and tightened the ever living piss out of them everytime. They aren’t moving around so it can’t be them.
Everything else in the front end is tightened down with no play anywhere.

I know I should’ve taken it to an alignment shop a long time ago but to be honest, I hate people working on my car. Probably because every time I’ve had someone work on something they always f*** it up somehow. My car has a brand new unbroken-in transmission and third member and I just don’t trust leaving the car in the hands of a stranger.

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