What's Your Best Laxitive?

Didja ever notice that the need to go is inversely proportional to your distance from the throne?
Urge strikes, I know what's comin'- begin the leisurely stroll back to the house.
Now I see the back door, it's getting a little more urgent- commence the clenching exercises. Enter the house at a brisk trot (or should I say waddle?) with teeth clenched.
Wild eyed, I kick the bathroom door open with my pants already halfway down, screaming "Everybody out of the way!!"
Praying that the lid is up, I pivot, point and shoot, trying to slam my *** down before the carnage fully manifests itself...

Tell me you've never been there...