A Few Lame Ones

1. Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet..
2. My friend Mary said to me "Give it to me! Give it to me!" she yelled, "I'm so wet, give it to me now!"
She could scream all she wanted to. I was keeping the umbrella.
3. I once dated a mime. I hope I left her with a good impression.
4. Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.
5. Do you know how to lose weight... fast.
6. My neighbors are listening to great music. Whether they like it or not.
7. Husband (watching a video):
Don't do it! I swear you gonna regret it for the rest of your life. You stupid idiot! Don't say yes. No! No! NOOO!! Aw dang, he actually did it! What a dumb ***!
Wife: Honey, why you so mad? What'aya watching?
Husband: Our wedding ceremony.
8. Five out of six people declare Russian roulette to be perfectly safe.
9. Q. How are stars like false teeth?
A. They both come out at night!
10. Q: What type of market should you NEVER take your dog too?
A: A flea market!