Del is experimentally "throwing in the towel" re: NO smart phone EVER

How do you get it to connect? It has to have something long distance, AKA cellular, satellite, or a local wireless connection, but that would be only at stops and wherever you can find them.
My iPad is the cellular version, so it acts like a phone. I have to pay for another line, just like another cell phone. It is signed into my same apple account, so it can take phone calls like a phone. The bad news is that it costs money every month, but a phone is just too small for me to use comfortably most of the time.