904 in the wagon took a dump, any help to be had?

Disconnect the transmission cooler line to the radiator and direct it into a drain pan or bucket. Have someone start it up with foot on the brake and select each gear range. If no fluid is coming out at all and you have no forward or reverse engagement it may have broken the converter drive hub or the drive lugs in the pump itself. It happens on occasion.
I agree. It certainly sounds like a mechanical failure, rather than a seal or valve body issue. You never know, though.