I did a bit of research on mental health lately. All the boxes check off for what's referred to as "functional freeze". Yes apparently that is a real thing. On the surface everything appears normal to everybody around me. I go to work, am punctual, and function, but underneath I am mentally frozen. Nothing brings any enjoyment. **** that want to get done at home, does not, and piles up. That just drives depression further. Every so often I push myself to get stuff done I want. Often times it gets half done, I find no enjoyment in it and I say **** it.
I work 8 days to get 6 days off. Most would love that schedule, but I dread it. The 6 days off I am or seem catatonic. I do the stuff that has to get done to "function" pay bills, maintenance on my house, daily drivers etc. The rest of the time I surf the net on my phone as an escape. Then I dread the 8 days on shift since I am like an adult babysitter to 9 people. Anything that screws up on my watch I have to unFuck.
That's functional freeze apparently. You function on the surface and everybody thinks you got it really going on, got your **** together, but underneath it, you see your life speeding along to the end, and you cannot seem to be able jump back in and at least try to enjoy the ride, or have the wherewithal to even take care of your physical self. Wife told me I have a choice to be miserable or not. After that comment I just dont talk to her about it. I smile, and put on my mask i use for her so she thinks that its all ok.
I get that most people dont get it. On the surface I seem to have a successful life. Lots of people dont have what I do. It's not about things though. It's about being genuinely happy in your life.
Matt