Notes from an Inexperienced Chili Taster named Frank
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Recently I was honored to be selected as an Outstanding Famous Celebrity in Texas, to be a judge at a chili cook-off, because no one else wanted to do it. Also the original person called in sick at the last minute and I happened to be standing there at the Judges table, asking directions to the beer wagon, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges that the chili wouldnt be all that spicy, and besides they told me I could have all the free beer I could drink during the tasting, so I said " Im your man"!
Chili # 1: Mikes Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
Judge # 1: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Frank : Holy smokes, what is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames out. Hope thats the worst one. These people are crazy!
Chili # 2: Arthurs Afterburner Chili
Judge # 1: Smoky (Barbecue?) with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Frank: Keep this out of the reach of children! Im not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. Shoved my way to the front of the beer line. The barmaid looks like a professional wrestler after a bad night. She was so irritated over my gagging sounds that the snake tattoo under her eye started to twitch. She has arms like Popeye and a face like Winston Churchill. I will NOT pick a fight with her.
Chili # 3: Freds Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
Judge # 1: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
Judge # 2: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
Frank: This has got to be a joke. Call the EPA, Ive located a $#!@%&^%$!*()%%$ Uranium spill . My nose feels like Ive been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now and got out of my way so I could make it to the beer wagon. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in front of my chest. She said her friends call her "Sally." Probably behind her back they call her "Forklift."
Chili # 4: Bubbas Black Magic
Judge # 1: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Frank: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally was standing behind me with fresh refills so I wouldnt have to dash over to see her. When she winked at me her snake sort of coiled and uncoiled . . . its kinda cute.
Chili # 5: Lindas Legal Lip Remover
Judge # 1: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Frank: My ears are ringing and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed hurt when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. Sort of irritates me that one of the other judges asked me to stop screaming.
Chili # 6: Veras Very Vegetarian Variety
Judge # 1: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2: Very good indeed. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb!
Frank: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me, except Sally. I asked if she wants to go dancing later.
Chili # 7: Susans Screaming Sensation Chili
Judge # 1: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef threw in canned chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge #3, as he appears to be in a bit of distress.
Frank: You could put a hand grenade in my mouth and pull the pin and I wouldnt feel it. Ive lost the sight in one eye and the world sounds as if it is made of rushing water. My clothes are covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth at some point and my pants are full of molten lava. Good, at the autopsy theyll know what killed me. Ive decided to stop breathing, its just too painful and Im not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air Ill just let it in through the hole in my stomach. Call the X-Files people and tell them Ive found a super nova on my tongue.
Chili # 8: Helens Mount Saint Chili
Judge #1: This final entry is a good, balance chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge number # 3 fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself.
Judge #2: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Frank: .
________________________________________
Recently I was honored to be selected as an Outstanding Famous Celebrity in Texas, to be a judge at a chili cook-off, because no one else wanted to do it. Also the original person called in sick at the last minute and I happened to be standing there at the Judges table, asking directions to the beer wagon, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges that the chili wouldnt be all that spicy, and besides they told me I could have all the free beer I could drink during the tasting, so I said " Im your man"!
Chili # 1: Mikes Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
Judge # 1: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Frank : Holy smokes, what is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames out. Hope thats the worst one. These people are crazy!
Chili # 2: Arthurs Afterburner Chili
Judge # 1: Smoky (Barbecue?) with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Frank: Keep this out of the reach of children! Im not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. Shoved my way to the front of the beer line. The barmaid looks like a professional wrestler after a bad night. She was so irritated over my gagging sounds that the snake tattoo under her eye started to twitch. She has arms like Popeye and a face like Winston Churchill. I will NOT pick a fight with her.
Chili # 3: Freds Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
Judge # 1: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
Judge # 2: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
Frank: This has got to be a joke. Call the EPA, Ive located a $#!@%&^%$!*()%%$ Uranium spill . My nose feels like Ive been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now and got out of my way so I could make it to the beer wagon. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in front of my chest. She said her friends call her "Sally." Probably behind her back they call her "Forklift."
Chili # 4: Bubbas Black Magic
Judge # 1: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Frank: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally was standing behind me with fresh refills so I wouldnt have to dash over to see her. When she winked at me her snake sort of coiled and uncoiled . . . its kinda cute.
Chili # 5: Lindas Legal Lip Remover
Judge # 1: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Frank: My ears are ringing and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed hurt when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. Sort of irritates me that one of the other judges asked me to stop screaming.
Chili # 6: Veras Very Vegetarian Variety
Judge # 1: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2: Very good indeed. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb!
Frank: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me, except Sally. I asked if she wants to go dancing later.
Chili # 7: Susans Screaming Sensation Chili
Judge # 1: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef threw in canned chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge #3, as he appears to be in a bit of distress.
Frank: You could put a hand grenade in my mouth and pull the pin and I wouldnt feel it. Ive lost the sight in one eye and the world sounds as if it is made of rushing water. My clothes are covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth at some point and my pants are full of molten lava. Good, at the autopsy theyll know what killed me. Ive decided to stop breathing, its just too painful and Im not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air Ill just let it in through the hole in my stomach. Call the X-Files people and tell them Ive found a super nova on my tongue.
Chili # 8: Helens Mount Saint Chili
Judge #1: This final entry is a good, balance chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge number # 3 fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself.
Judge #2: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Frank: .
