I have a gopher, how do I kill it?

This works (no lie). Get yourself a 410 gauge shotgun. Sit on your porch in the morning while drinking your coffee. Look for the little bastard kicking up dirt. Walk quietly over to where he is and put the end of the barrel in the soft dirt and sqeeze the trigger. Wham! You don't even have to bury him. It's kind of fun.