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Hung this in the kitchen for her arrival....

She had a tooth pulled. Dentist says: I don't want you to suck, swish or spit anything for 24 hours. I looked at him and said: Oh great, now she has a medical excuse.

OK, just saw this on Facebook and couldn't stop laughing...

While golfing, I accidentally overturned my golf cart. A very attractive golfer, who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out, "Are you okay?" "I'm okay thanks," I replied as I pulled myself out of the twisted cart. She said, "Come up to my villa, rest a while, and...

A DEA officer stopped at our farm yesterday. "I need to inspect your farm for illegal growing of drugs." I said, "Okay, but don't go into that field over there....." The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, "Mister, I have the authority of the federal government with me!" Reaching into his...

(CNN) - In Iowa, a man has been charged with domestic assault after he threw a McChicken sandwich at his wife. According to the police report, 21-year-old Marvin Ellis was awoken from a nap by his wife who gave him a McChicken sandwich. Ellis said he didn't want the sandwich...

New Seatbelt Design

http://youtu.be/OWvnH88yIKI

Red Green Handyman Tip - "Power Windows" (1999) - YouTube

Three couples went in to see the minister to see how to become members of his church. The minister said that they would have to go without sex for two weeks and then come back and tell him how it went. The first couple was retired, the second couple was middle aged and the final couple were...

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed 14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently 7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs 1 Mod to harangue the OP for no real reason 1 to...

Dishwasher...

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An Italian husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open-mouthed kiss, then says she'll see him later and walks away. ... The wife glares at her husband and says, "Who was that?"...

:burnout:

These are actual comments made by South Carolina Troopers that were taken off their car videos: 1. "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through." 2. "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while." 3. "If...

DON'T MESS WITH FARM KIDS A young boy comes down for breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his Mother asks if he has done his chores. "Not yet," said the little boy. His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores. Well, he's a little ticked off so when he feeds the...

A woman was in a coma for several months. One day the nurses noticed a slight response whilst washing her fanny.That night during visiting hour they explained to her husband that a little oral sex might bring her round and left him to it. When they returned a few minutes later the womans...

42 things italians grew up with 01. You have at least one relative who wore a black dress every day for an entire year after a funeral. 02. You spent your entire childhood thinking what you ate for lunch was pronounced "sangwich." 03. Your family dog understood Italian. 04. Every Sunday...

Four guys have been going to the same deer camp for many years. Two days before the group is to leave, Larry's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going. Larry's friends are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do. Two days later the three get to the camping site only to...

Ok - we want to get to 500,000 posts this month (See THIS THREAD) sooooo.... Lets make it a little more fun and interesting. I want everyone to scour eBay and find some kind of wacky or outrageous auction and post the link in this thread. Lets see what crazy crap people are trying to...

Announcement.... Yesterday, Michelle (my girlfriend for more years then I care to count) and I, decided to get married. No date set or any plans as of yet. Probably wont be anytime soon. When we do, we'll probably have some kind of small ceremony, but then a BIG party afterward, to which you...

The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they have "covertly" funded a project with the the U.S. auto makers for the past 5 years whereby the auto makers were installing black-box voice recorders in 4-wheel drive pickup trucks & SUV's in an effort to determine in fatal...

UCLA STUDY A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle. For example: If she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features...

CHICAGO BEAR FAN!!! ...A Packer fan, a Viking fan and a Bear fan were all in Saudi Arabia , sharing a smuggled crate of booze. All of a sudden the Saudi police rushed in and arrested them. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offense in Saudi Arabia , so for the terrible crime of...