100% TRUTH!!!

[ocdart]

So, What Do You Want for Your Birthday?

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching his wife, who was looking at herself in the mirror.
Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her birthday.
"I'd like to be eight again", she replied, still looking in the mirror.
On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops, and then took her to Adventure World theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Roller Coaster, everything there was.
Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling
and her stomach felt upside down.
He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.
Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure!
Finally, she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.
He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, "Well Dear, what was it like being eight again?"
Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.
"I meant my dress size, you f@*#*! retard!!!!"
The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.

 

[diymirage]

Tough to hit a moving target

 

[Bobacuda]

One of my stepfather’s 80 yr old relatives was having coffee with the other old-timers (all fluent in German) in my mom’s cafe when my stepfather told everyone it was the old man’s birthday. After everyone wished him “Happy Birthday,” they asked what his wife gave him on his special day.

Without hesitation, he replied (in German), “The same thing I get every year for my birthday or Christmas...a new shirt and a piece of *** - both too damn big.”

Needless to say, every German speaker within earshot roared laughing. The rest of us had to wait for translation.

 

[Demonracer]

^^^^^ That sounds like my Christmas gift this past year, a piece & a shirt, both 2 sizes too big!!! LMAO

 

[diymirage]

^^^^^ That sounds like my Christmas gift this past year, a piece & a shirt, both 2 sizes too big!!! LMAO

That used to be a go to joke for one of my coworkers
Only he always got a pair of socks and a piece of tail

I got so tired of hearing that lame joke and one day I had it
Hey Tony, I asked, what did the ole lady get you for Christmas?
And he started snickering, and said, a pair of socks and a piece of tail...and wouldn't you know it...they were both to big!

Too big?
I replied
Sounds to me like your feet and your pecker are both to small



And that, my friends, put an end to that lame joke