Respectfully request advice as newly divorced dad

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greymouser7

Vagrant Vagabond “Veni Vidi Vici”
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The wife left, took my daughter, hid/dumped thousands of debt.

After getting upset initially, my highest priority is getting my daughter back into my life.

Right now they are both 1053 miles away at her parents.

I asked the wife to move back to the city (San Antonio) and she said she would eventually-she even promised to pay back debt.

With the deception of hiding debt, I don’t trust her, but have been completely kind/amicable in order to facilitate any kind of compromise.

We haven’t mentioned a lawyer, just bills, child’s schooling, visitation (to include that she offered to buy me plane tickets)

So my thought process is to supplement her income some, but have her sign over debt that she has accrued.

From what I understand, men have given ex wives credit cards to which the court did NOT recognize as child support, and am thinking that a direct payment of her vehicle, her student loan, etc. will not count as support if it comes to that.

So I guess I need to document money given to her, play nice, and work towards a plan of them moving back (if that is really a thing)

I am at a loss as to what things I should do so I am asking for help. Please and thank you!
 
Keep a journal. Dates and times of every single conversation and actions with her. Every. Single. Thing. I've been there. Do it. I sure am sorry.
 
The best way to do it is to set it up through the state. You send the money to the state and they distribute it to your EX. The state keeps track of all the money you've sent to her. I've heard of many guys (in Texas), who out of the kindness of their heart, sent money to their Ex and later found that it didn't count towards child support because the EX said that she never received anything. They ended up owing thousands of dollars even though they had sent the correct amount for years. Going through the state ensures that there's no way she can say that you didn't give her money for your daughter. She deceived you once, do you think she would do it again????
I'm sure there are other FABO member's who might have better first hand advice!!
 
I used to make mine sign a receipt.She didn't like it but you have to cover your butt. As far as her paying debt back I wouldn't count on it,if she don't have to she wont( but i don't know her,i am going by what usually happens) thing is, if you give her cash for ,say two years,and she takes you for back support, at least you will look upstanding in front of the judge. If you think the money you give her will go toward the child that is a good thing even if you end up paying back support. Its when you give them money and the child does without that you have to avoid. Sorry ifi sound negative. be there for your kid,and let the chips fall where they may with the ex. This is the best I got. Ive been through it, and somehow ended up in my sons life, I dont talk to the ex much. I saw her at HS, College graduation and we were civil to each other. Next time will be his wedding and that will be it. I did pay her faithfully up until my son turned 18,out of court ,then supported him directly through college.
 
I feel for you. First. Speak with an attorney. Record the conversations. Mine was settled very quickly but it was because I took care of business fast. I had a signed / notarized/ lawyer approved separation agreement 7 days after she said she was out. Mine went remarkably smooth but other than that advice to get stuff/debt/etc settled quick , communicate with your kid constantly. Any way. Letters, texts, FaceTime ..and pray.
Never talk bad about the mother in front of the child
Document/record everything. Not just for court if need be...but some day you kid, as an adult, may ask why. If you have everything for them...


My son who is almost 15 knows something is off with his mother (she hit menopause at age 39 and left a year and a half ago) he initially asked me some questions. I’ve told him when you’re 25 and you want to talk we’ll have a beer. I have every email text etc showing me asking for her not to leave. To get help. Etc.
document, protect what you can to help build the new life for your child, and pray
 
Best advice I can give: Lawyer up, buttercup.

And don't dick around. Do it now.
 
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I intentionally let the state garnish my check for support. It provided proof she got the money and it also prevented additional garnishment from bill collectors. It took me a good three years to get back on my feet and In a position to buy my own house.
 
Any debts that were incurred when you were a couple can be considered as joint debt, regardless of whether or not you are a co signor, meaning that you are ultimately going to be responsible for repayment of those debts. Been there too. Keep a record of all conversations, tape them if possible, that way there is no "he said, she said", only the recording. I agree with the idea of the state handling any monies paid to her for the same reason. Others have made very good points as well. You've been duped at least once thus far, you can be sure that it will happen again. I trusted my ex wife when we split up and I paid a heavy price before I was done with her.
 
Best advice I can give: Lawyer up, buttercup.

And don't dick around. Do it now.
this is true, Im not sure how she is or how you get along but, once theyget talking to other women and they tell each other "how much they can get" etc. you never know how she may come at you. Thing is don't get into the fights, and put the child first. She says she may move back local,but she doesn't have to,I'm not sure if a court can order her not to move far away. you may need to prepare to move closer or travel to see your daughter. In my case my ex live 1/2 hour away, i was doing cub scouts with my son up untill 3rd grade,she remarried relocated 1 1/2 hour away,so that took scouts off the table,and id commute 1 1/2 hours Friday night to pick him up and then take him back Sunday night. there was very little meeting in the middle although at first she said she would.
 
she abandoned you your house and took your daughter and now living scot-free with her parents and you're going to send her money?.. get a grip man...
Get an attorney and put her up on abandonment.. if you didn't create a hostile environment then she is liable for taking your child from her home...
Get an attorney... Your child will always love you... I've been there and done that and she'll tell you whatever you want to hear... Keep believing her lies and think she'll be actually telling the truth.. AKA- doing the same thing twice and expecting different results... she's playing games with your life and this is no time to be a softie...
 
I wouldn't give her one thin dime until you see a lawyer. I would send a care package addressed to your daughter food, cloths and hygiene goods.
 
I am so sorry to read this and wish you the best.
Do your best to remain focused and clear headed.
Having not been divorced but seeing at least half of my friends go down this road, I will only echo the advice I found most beneficial important because it is wise to follow it.

As mentioned above, I have found this statement to bare the most fruit well after all is said and done. Never speak bad or poorly of the ex, the kids mom. Doing so will double the hurt on you. It boomerangs and hits you in the back of the head.

Keep records. Emails, letters, even phone conversations if possible. Also, write a journal. It should contain the facts first and feelings second. While starting an entry with “I’m Pissed off at he ex!” Is one thing, get to the facts of why and what damage you think or know it will contain and do.

Following the above two suggestions bare the best fruit down the line and even more so when the children become of age. When the talk happens, the kids may ask about a certain something at a certain time and you’ll have a written recording.

As of right now, beyond a shadow of a doubt, there are two things that must be done bar none;

Get a lawyer. Look up his track record. Get to know the law. And MAKE THE FIRST MOVE NOW!

I would not pay a cent to her since not only is she the one who quit and left the marriage and left but left you unsuspected and suddenly. This means she had a plan.
Dude! She had a plan.

Best of luck
You got my number
 
ANY money paid before a final order is reached and signed by a judge will not be validated as child support. That's why a "LOT" of dads don't pay anything until the final order is signed......and I don't agree with that. It's not right. Your daughter doesn't stop needing support in the interim before the final order is signed. I just figured my own at 21% and paid before hand and just "said goodbye" to that money. The state never knew about it other than me showing the judge the cancelled checks. I agree though, you need to go through the system. That way, there's a legitimate record of payments. Also, you're assuming she's getting custody. Why don't you try to get custody? Lastly, don't assume she's going to play nice. She won't. Hope for the best but prepare for the worst, because it's coming. Go talk to an attorney this week, John. Kitty and I will be praying for yall.
 
I'm sorry this happened to you. I don't think anyone goes into a marriage thinking it won't last.

I was active duty Air Force when my wife started screwing around and then moved out. We had a 6 year old son. I told her we could fight it out in court and give all our money to attorneys or she could give me full custody. To my amazement she said "you can have him". I was a single parent for 4 years. THE HARDEST job you'll ever love!

I never asked her for a penny and after transferring to another state, I paid for him to fly to visit her every summer.

As said above, never talk bad about her mother, don't raise your voice while talking with her. Get in touch with an attorney. I also wanted everything done quickly and most attorneys like to drag **** out so they make more money. I had to stay on top of them and be a pest so they would want me gone.

It pains me to hear about this anytime there are kids involved. Just remember that kids want both parents and live your life for your daughter. It will turn out well.

My son is now 31 years old, has a 3 year old daughter, and a fantastic wife and marriage.
 
They always have a plan,and it starts with complaining to someone other than you..and on and on...remember now its about you and your daughter, the wife made her choice. Maybe if you talk you can work it out,usually there is no communication and the woman does something like this because the feel they have to. Working it out comes down to if you care enough to. if she didn't cheat etc, whats the issue right now? all she did was run up some bills you didn't know about...its only $$$ don't let anger get the best of you. When you bring a lawyer in there is no working it out, that is the last move of the relationship IMO.
 
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If she's living with mommy and daddy now, maybe you could send some food money to him. It's his dinner table they're eating at now.
Don't send her a dime, you may be feeding her boyfriend.
 
Never speak bad or poorly of the ex, the kids mom.

Can't stress that one enough. The same goes for never putting your daughter in the middle of the situation with your ex. She doesn't deserve that, nor will she likely understand.

My parents split when I was 13 or 14, my old man frequently made remarks and statements about my mother that were none of my concern or business, nor were they likely based on anything besides anger and resentment. Even if there were truths to some of his ramblings, (he was usually drunk when he said things), no child needs to be involved in or informed of any behavior beyond what they see themselves.
Yes, believe me, kids do see and understand far more than adults realize, and they will typically internalize their thoughts and feelings, often leading to self-destructive behaviors. My dad was a very heavy drinker, and extremely abusive, both verbally and physically with my mother and with his 4 kids. Being the youngest I was least exposed, but nonetheless I knew what he was capable of, having seen and heard his tirades. I managed to stop the abuse part of the cycle completely because I was determined that I would never be like him, but I sure followed in his footsteps with the booze, at least until the last 5 years or so, I drink far less these days than I did for the previous 35 years.

You will be put in some very hard situations with your ex, but the best you can do for your daughter is put her best interests ahead of everything else. She may not always understand why you are doing some things, but the hope is that she will one day realize that your love for her was the driving factor in all of your decision making, and that you put her first everytime.

I am truly sorry that another family has to endure this process, it always leaves scars on all involved.
 
She isn’t your friend, she is now your enemy. Get a lawyer, get your kid back and know you can NEVER trust her or a word that comes out of her mouth.

I’ll say this again...she is your enemy. Do NOT do anything for her unless your lawyers says to.

Anything less than full combat will cost you terribly.
 
She isn’t your friend, she is now your enemy. Get a lawyer, get your kid back and know you can NEVER trust her or a word that comes out of her mouth.

I’ll say this again...she is your enemy. Do NOT do anything for her unless your lawyers says to.

Anything less than full combat will cost you terribly.

OH yes!
 
I have not read all the comments so if this has been mentioned please forgive me. Texas, from a quick Google search....is a community property state. There is no hers is hers mine is mine. You BOTH own half of everything, the debt, in its entirety, is owed by both...assuming that you have lived in Texas long enough for its laws to apply. In AZ, even property owned prior to the marriage is community property. My now Ex thought that if we agreed that I would get all the equity in the house, and we signed an agreement stating that by "giving" me all the equity in the house I would use it to cover her half of the debt. Well....it does not work that way. Let say that you are down to your final mortgage payment on your house..that the deed is in your name because you owned it prior to getting married...and you make that payment from a joint account with her....well....half of the house is now hers.
Obvious Texas laws differ from AZ so you may want to read this....
FAMILY CODE CHAPTER 3. MARITAL PROPERTY RIGHTS AND LIABILITIES
I know both here in Washington state and Arizona we were able to sign a quick claim on the properties....it clearly states, at least here, that our property is "the sole and separate property" of Ernie. We did this for the simple fact that should I go off on a rage induced spree and injure/kill someone that persons family would not be able to sue "us" and attach a garnishment/lien on the property.
When I got divorced in AZ my attorney said that the community property laws have many loopholes when it comes to debt. Generally, if only one spouse signed for responsibility for a debt they are the ones responsible. However, if a payment was ever made on that debt from a joint account well...you are both on the hook. Even if it was not a joint account, but the other person made a deposit in that account at some point it is considered a joint account. I ran up a **** ton of debt after my Ex left, it was while we were going thru the divorce. When the creditors came knocking on her door it was not only for the debt that she signed for but also ALL of the debt I ran up on my own.
This is the reason Ernie & I do not have a joint banking account...nor do we have any joint debt.
And just so you know what happened to me and my Ex....all of our bank accounts were with the same credit union. We had our joint account and we each had our own personal account. Well....at least in the state of AZ....credit unions are allowed to "cross collateralize". We had a joint credit card. When this card went into default they obviously called/mailed both of us. Obviously we no longer had a joint account but we both had our personal accounts.....and the credit union emptied both of them to get what they could on what we owed. Again...Texas may be different.
Best of luck to you....
 
I like to think out of the box. if there is a way you can work it out without lawyers,that IMO is best. lawyers will take their cut of whatever you (both of you) have. I would tell her that and talk and see if you can "amicably split" "going to war" is expensive. Like previously said if all she did was run up debt, no reason to hate her for that ,she left ok, she needed a break, she took the kid, women will always take the kid unless they know they cant take care of the child. I don't know the whole story, but OP don't hate too much on your wife because she wigged out and went to moms for a while. It sounds like its early in the split,emotions running high. Just make cautious decisions, like said if either party feels they are "going to war" things escalate fast,and lawyers treat everything the same way for everyone. as in ;"every split up is the same" that isn't true.
 
FIRST THING, GET AN ATTORNEY!!! You'll end up on the short end of the stick if you do not. Mommy & Daddy will finance her end of the divorce because I'm sure she's filled them full of how rotten you are.
 
FIRST THING, GET AN ATTORNEY!!! You'll end up on the short end of the stick if you do not. Mommy & Daddy will finance her end of the divorce because I'm sure she's filled them full of how rotten you are.

Even though I'm sure that's true, he won't believe it.
 
Not gonna read the reply's as I am sure there is some information worth dabbling over however......

Divorce is war. And anything can be used against you in a court of law. Including any details as to what is involved with your situation. Everything needs to be between you and your legal council. In other words, say nothing and just see what people reply with.

I could not imagine going through what you are at the moment. My business was my baby and got destroyed during my divorce. And that is nothing when compared to the situation with your daughter.....

Keep a clear head, decisions without emotion, don't get angry so it's used against you, and hold your cards TIGHT to you vest.....

JW
 
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