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> > > >>A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises, two > >>Black eyes, and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. > >> > >>Naturally, the Doctor asked him, 'What happened to YOU?' > >> > >>'Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a...

A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart. The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart. 'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife. 'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans,' he- replies. 'Put them back, we can't afford them,' demands the wife, and so...

The human body-The Human Body! It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach. One human hair can support 3kg (6.6 lb). The average man's private area is three times the length of his thumb. Human thighbones are stronger than concrete. A woman's heart...

http://s622.photobucket.com/albums/tt307/shovhd/Jokes/?action=view&current=577magnumrifle.flv

To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine... And those who don't and are always seen with a bottle of water in their hand. As Ben Franklin said: In wine there is wisdom, In beer there is freedom, In water there is bacteria. In a number of carefully controlled trials, Scientists have...

http://s622.photobucket.com/albums/tt307/shovhd/Jokes/?action=view&current=haveyoueverbeenthisdrunk.flv

**** Channel Being a very religious kind of guy, when I checked into my motel, I said to the lady at the desk: "I hope the **** channel in my room is disabled." "No," she said, "it's regular ****, you sick bastard!!"

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it. WIRE...

Just imagine sitting in traffic on your way to work and hearing this. Many Newfoundland folks DID hear this on the 94.7- OZ - FM morning show in St. John's NFLD. The DJs play a game where they award winners great prizes. The game is called "Mate Match". The DJs call someone at work and ask...

Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out. Both were very faithful and loving wives, however They had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers. Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to Pee, so they stopped in the cemetery. One of them had nothing to wipe with so she...

A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together. They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment. She notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears. There are three shelves in the bedroom...

MIND GAME 2% or 98% This is strange...can you figure it out? Are you the 2% or 98% of the population? Follow the instructions! NO PEEKING AHEAD! Do the following exercise, guaranteed to raise an eyebrow. There's no trick or surprise. Just follow these instructions, and answer the questions...

It happens to all of us... You're driving along just minding your own business, when all of a sudden - without any warning, This Prick In A Truck pulls out right in front of you...... Please Be Careful Out There and Stay Safe . . . Cause They're Everywhere!!!

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders. The man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke,' and turns to the ostrich, 'What's yours?' 'I'll have the same,' says the ostrich. A short time later the waitress returns with the...

Message A priest was seated next to a Newfie on a flight to St. John's . After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Newfie asked for a rum & coke, which was brought and placed before him. The flight attendant then asked the priest if he would like a drink. He replied with...

http://s622.photobucket.com/albums/tt307/shovhd/Jokes/?action=view&current=laser_guided.flv

CINDERELLA wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won't let her. As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appears, and promised to provide Cinderella with everything she needs to go to the ball, but only on two conditions. "First, you must wear a diaphragm."...

ONE Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozennuggets. 'We don't have half dozen nuggets,' said the teenager at the counter. 'You don't?' I replied. 'We only have six, nine, or twelve,' was the...

HER DIARY Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested...

I loved reading these. Oxym o ro n s 1.Is it good if a vacuum really sucks? 2.Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand? 3.If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know? 4.If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did...

These classifieds actually ran in a Minneapolis newspaper - a smile for your day... FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER . 8-years old. Hateful little bastard. Bites! FREE PUPPIES: 1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog. FREE PUPPIES.. Mother, AKC German Shepherd. Father, Super Dog..able to leap...

Drafting Guys over 60----this is funny & obviously written by a Former Soldier- New Direction for any war: Send Service Vets over 60! I am over 60 and the Armed Forces thinks I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 42 to join the military. They've got the...