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Excerpts from a Dog's Diary 8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing! 9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing! 9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing! 10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing! 12:00 pm - Lunch! My favorite thing! 1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite...

A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, but..... Something...

On a hot summer day, a redneck walks into town, ties his dog under a tree, and goes into the bar to have a cold beer. About 20 minutes later a policeman came into the bar and asked who owned the dog tied under the tree. The redneck said that it was his. The policeman said, 'Your dog...

Ireland's Best Joke of 2006 A teacher asks her class to use the word "contagious". Roland the teacher's pet, gets up and says, "Last year I got the measles and my mum said it was contagious." "Well done, Roland," says the teacher. "Can anyone else try?" Katie, a sweet little girl...

A seal walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender asks the seal, "What's your pleasure?" The seal replies, "Anything but Canadian Club."

So this penguin is driving his dart through Arizona, when he spots plumes of white smoke coming out from the exhaust of his car. He limps along until he gets to a service station in some small town. Tells the mechanic of the symtoms, mechanic says he will have a look. Penguin thinks he will...

A guy walks into a bar and orders twelve shots of whiskey. The bartender shrugs then puts the drinks down on the bar. The man quickly drinks all twelve shots. The bartender looks at the man and says, "dude, I can't believe you drank those so fast." The man says, "you'd drink fast too if you had...

So this monkey is sitting in a tree, smoking a big fat J. He looks down and sees a lizzard walking by, he says "hey lizzard, come on up here." So the lizzard climbs up the tree and sits beside the monkey. The monkey offers the lizzard the big fat J. After a while the lizzard is wasted, and...

These two cannibals are sitting quietly eating a clown, one looks at his buddy and says, "does this tast funny?"

Two nuns are told by the mother superior to paint the rectory, but they're warned very strictly to not get a drop of paint on their habits. They agree and go off with paint and brushes. They talk and realize there's no way they can not get paint on their habits and decide, since this is a...

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult, four-hour, surgical procedure. A young nurse arrives to give him a partial sponge bath. "Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?"...

A guy calls a law office and says: "I want to talk to my lawyer." The receptionist replies, "I’m sorry, but he died last week." The next day he phones again and asks the same question. The receptionist replies, "I told you yesterday, he died last week." The next day the guy calls again...

A very successful lawyer parks his brand-new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he gets out, a truck passes too closely and completely rips off the door on the driver's side. The lawyer immediately grabs his cell phone, dials 911, and within minutes a...

A guy is showering in the locker room, when he notices his friend is very well endowed. "Damn Bob, your hung" Jim exclaims! I wasnt always this impressive, I had to work for it. "What do you mean?" Jim asked. "Well everyday for the past two years I've spent an hour each night rubbing it with...

A little boy is walking down a dirt road. Walks past an old man sitting on his porch. old man says "whachagot under yer arm, boy?" little boy says, I got me some chicken wire, gonna catch me some chickens. old man says" you cant catch chickens with chicken wire, you need a trap or somethin."...

This drunk guy staggers out of a bar, tries unlocking every car in front of the bar with his keys. A police officer is watching the whole time he is doing this. Finally, the cop walks up to the drunk and asks if he can help him. The drunk, slurring, says someone must have stolen his car. The cop...