Broken.

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Hi, my name is AJ,
I was broken last year; arthritis. But I kicked that Demon to the curb.
So,chit no I'm only 64,and I'm blessed.
Ask me again a year from now.
And maybe I can tell you what else I kicked to the curb.
I'm not so good with kidney stones tho. You just can't walk that chit off, I really really tried. In the end, I begged the doctor to cut it out!,, whatever it is it's killing me! Relax man the Dr said, it's just a kidney stone; you got 6 more in there. Funny thing is, that pain is not contained in that short little pipe, No sir it's like somebody is jamming you thru a meat grinder; that pain is everywhere, all the time, without relief, and there is no one position that is even remotely more comfortable than another. I tell you if you ever want to torture a guy, just start ripping on that pipe from the inside.I was ready to tell every secret I ever had.
The Dr gave me a morphine drip, and in a couple of minutes I was fast asleep. Thank you Jesus. 4 hours later "clink", I peed it into a cup and went home.
BTW, they're not stones.
They are spikey concretions from hell!!. And when a 7mm rock from hell works it way thru a 2mm pipe, it doesn't just slide on thru. Nooop. it tumbles and pierces, and slashes,stabs,and hacks, it's way into the bladder. Bastard! And until it comes thru, you cannot pee, no matter how much you might want to.
A couple of weeks later, another devil's child reamed the path open. Please Sir, can I get some more morphine NOW!!
5 more to go gang.
I go to bed with an empty bladder now, just in case.........
 
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Ddaddy said:
First thing you do is change your avatar.
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I was thinking the same thing. Go back to your last avatar - the big, bad S. I don't know you, but from all your previous posts that I've read, that avatar seemed to suit you.

Give yourself more credit - you deserve it. Best of luck making each day better than the last.
 
ramenth said:
Emotionally and spiritually there just seems to be nothing I can't **** up.
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if anyone gets offended by me using the name of Jesus Christ ...I don't care....just for the record.

Just as we bring in wrecks of mopars...rusty, broken, missing key parts and neglected. We are often excited to bring them in the shop as if it is a highlight of our day, or year. We bring them in with love and visions of building up to greatness and shiny splendor.

Same way Mr. Jesus Christ may have the same feeling bringing in His children who feel broken and empty and missing key parts of life. He brings them in and takes away the problems and builds. John 9:6 shows His restorative power when he used His spit and mud to heal and restore. No job is too big for the blessings and power of Christ our rescuer and restorer.

I don't know why you feel broken but i send prayers that you restore to better times and flourish.
 
If you can, get outta Dodge (that's a little Mopar joke to lift your spirits R/T...oops, did it again).

Jump on a plane and spend a week on a black sand beach in Hawaii. The weather in upstate New York ain't helpin' you atm.

Edit: $650 round trip JFK-HNL non stop flights on Hawaiian. Do it.
 
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Mr Gorsky said:
If you can, get outta Dodge (that's a little Mopar joke to lift your spirits R/T...oops, did it again).

Jump on a plane and spend a week on a black sand beach in Hawaii. The weather in upstate New York ain't helpin' you atm.

Edit: $650 round trip JFK-HNL non stop flights on Hawaiian. Do it.
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I agree. If you can make that work out, it's worth the trip.
 
Robert, I hope this thread helps at least to see you ain't the only one. I know you already knew that. We all sympathize with you brother and love you in Christ. Kitty and I will be praying for you!
 
Take one day at a time. I think you could use a Minn time out and come visit us again. Been through hell but you can beat it
 
I think sometimes the best therapy is group therapy. Y'all's replies and caring have helped.

Let me fill you in, without going into a lot of details: Karli and I split for almost a month just before Thanksgiving. I took both the boys and the house; Karli went to live with friends.

Throughout all of it, we never stopped talking, though with the associated anger and resentment involved we spent a bit of that time fighting.

Yesterday was a really, really off day for me. I have had underlying trust issues since this all came about and realized that for the past few years I've been trying to mold Karli into my image of who she should be instead of letting her be who she is.

My wife has a big heart and likes to help people who otherwise wouldn't help themselves. She supports them, inspires them, and pushes them to new heights and strengths they don't recognize in themselves. Just like I used to.

The past couple of years I've been cynical. I have no use for people who are users, players, and wolves. People who I know are telling me what I want to hear just to get something out of me.

That creates friction between us. And that's where the underlying trust issues come from. While she dedicates time to these people I get jealous, instead of letting her be her and recognizing that she's helping them, I see them as trying to get something out of her, without realizing that if they try to take it too far she'll shut the door on them.

I have a tendency to focus on the negative, which I am trying hard to overcome.

My wife shows to me and proves to me every day that she is committed to rebuilding our marriage and me, as her husband with a mental illness, and herself as a woman.

And by focusing on the past I let myself get in the way of that. Instead of looking at the recommittment and the love given I let questions that I already have the answers to eat me up.

I have seen Karli give me "my" smile more in the past couple of weeks than I have the entirety of the past year. And instead of running with that all I can see is a competition that I put myself in with her friends.

Nope. Time for a change. Time for me to realize that she is who she is and embrace it, support it, and nurture it.

God made this woman for me and made me for her. Time to stop stepping on His toes and realize that I am called to love her as He loves us both.

That the Grace He covers me with is the Grace He gave me to cover her with.

I'm broken. But not beyond repair. It's up to me to change who I am. Focus on the positive in my life, let the past things that are done with be done with and not pull them to the forefront.

Superman? She and these boys need him back in there lives. 2018 will be our year, where we conquer our little corner of the world, and maybe beyond.



Thank you all for allowing me a platform to be able to come to for some support.
 
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Mr Gorsky said:
If you can, get outta Dodge (that's a little Mopar joke to lift your spirits R/T...oops, did it again).

Jump on a plane and spend a week on a black sand beach in Hawaii. The weather in upstate New York ain't helpin' you atm.

Edit: $650 round trip JFK-HNL non stop flights on Hawaiian. Do it.
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yellow rose said:
I agree. If you can make that work out, it's worth the trip.
Click to expand...

If y'all want to start the donations. Lol

One of the frictions this past year has been finances.

I'm working on making sure our house is saved. That's the reason my '74 Barracuda is for sale. I have roughly five months to come up with $5000 to make sure we have a place to live.

Not to throw a pity party and definitely not looking for any kind of sympathy in it, it's a bed I made and I'll find a way out of it, but it seemed like I put it all on Karli and didn't start looking for solutions until the very last minute.

Instead of working as a team and figuring it out, I didn't step up until it was almost too late.
 
But if you're talking Spiritually broken, I guess I missed that, Naw, sorry, I have no idea about that stuff. I have Jesus in my corner, who strengthens me . Right now I am winding down from a 3-year intense Bible Study, And I am so incredibly HIGH, I couldn't imagine being low.Ever again
Shoot I was low once, in about 1972...... for about two minutes. I found out my girlfriend was having sex with my room-mate, who was soon to be my brother-in law. Yeah that's right; he was boning my sister and my girlfriend. And I was getting nothing. Yeah that's right, I was a 19 yr old virgin. Long story short, I was piloting my motorcycle straight at an 18 wheeler, with the throttle pegged. Whenit suddenly dawned on me, I was not the sinner in this situation, why should I die? yyyyyyyooom, I swerved that rickity old 750 back into my lane, turned around and went home to my Daddy's house, remember I was 19 and just graduated.
I kissed that girl goodbye, and thought I was done with girls. That lasted for 3 and a half years,until december1975, when I met my soon to be wife. 18 months later we were wed.And I ain't been down ever since.
I of course forgave that SOB room mate, and he married my sister, and is now one of my best friends. I forgave that witch of a girlfriend too, and never saw her again.I learned later that 17 year old girls are um mostly in my school anyway, crazy for sex. I had no idea. Now I'm getting down....... lol. Naw just kidding.
I tell you what, read Genesis. And read it again and again and again. It doesn't matter if you are a Believer or not, just read it. Actually it's better if you're not a church-goer, cuz you won't have the baggage to get rid of. Start at the front of the Book! Like you're supposed to,lol.If you wanna fast-track yourself outta the funk, read it out loud. You may not know it, cuz most people take their hearing for granted, but there is something special about hearing, and even more special about hearing the Word of God.Hearing builds up your Faith and speaking the Word,chases away the devil, and his minions, who is/are the author of your funk. I tell you the truth; Read it out loud, and your troubles will begin to melt away. It doesn't matter if you believe it or not, truth is truth. You can just pretend you're reading whatever. But as long as those words are coming out of your mouth, and your ears are hearing them, SOMETHING will happen inside of you. Unplug the TV, turn off the radio.And begin to preach to yourself; cuz that is what you are doing. You are waking up the Spirit-man that God put inside you when you took your very first breath. Your brain/mind/intellect does not need to hear the Word of God, nearly as much as your Spirit does. Wake Him up! The more you preach to Him, the stronger He will get to the point of driving out all that darkness. It doesn't even matter what Bible-book you preach. The Spirit is gassing up. You are filling His tank with the Word. The Spirit is directly connected to the EAR-GATE. So preach to Him brother. Fill His tank and see what will happen to your body, your mind, and your intellect. Chase out the darkness.
But Please, start in the Old Testament.Learn what Jesus was Preaching, and His gang. Those Words are Health to your Bones.
For a quicker picker up, peruse Psalms and Proverbs, but try not to read too much at once, cuz your brain will start to Trump your Spirit. Better it will be to feed the Spirit first, with Words your mind doesn't necessarily understand. Feed the Spirit, man. Right now He is all shriveled up,and so hungry for the Word. That's why there is room for the darkness to come in. Feed the Spirit.And watch Him squeeze the darkness out. Read the Word out loud, just Like Jesus did in the synagogue.
You won't get this in the church. In the church, the pastor will pick a few verses, almost exclusively from the NT, and foam at the mouth over them for 20 minutes, then say how sorry he is that the message went on for so long, and that you are now released to go home and eat. That is so sad, don't waste your time. 20 minutes, once a week, on a few NT verses means nothing to your Spirit! By the time you will be half way thru lunch, you will have completely forgotten the sermon, and your Spirit, if He was stirred at all, will have gone back to sleep. And this is the backbone of the church today, to preach to itchy ears, keep it short, and send the sheep to la-la land as fast as possible! Figure it out; You will hear the same short pablum week after week and your Spirit will never get enough energy to stay awake. Figure it out 52 times zero is still zero. And the Spirit sleeps!
Wake Him up! it's your only chance! Read the Word out loud. Stay in the Word as long as you can. You don't have to understand it. You're not reading it for you! You are preaching it to wake up the Spirit!. Preach it man, everyday, and watch the Spirit grow. And He will push out the darkness. Maybe someday, your intellect will grab hold of something you are preaching, and the flags in your mind will start waving, and if you respond, then you can save your Soul. But with a shriveled up Spirit, you're as good as sunk. Only Jesus can pull you out of that pit of despair.
Right now, this very day, there are more than two or three gathered in the name of Jesus praying for you. And when that happens the Holy Spirit of God listens. And He is eager to perform the word. So He will come to you, and give you a Measure of Faith to help you get started. It's a measure, so it will run out. Or if you ignore it, it will run out the bottom of your feet so to speak, and be lost forever. And then you will have to get two or three other Believers to repeat the process. The measure is a starter kit, it's up to you to multiply it by preaching to your Spirit. That measure is like a shot of adrenaline to the Spirit to wake Him up. Then it's up to you to stir Him up,pump Him up,enlarge Him with Words from the Bible. Preach the Word man, preach it!
 
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Sounds like soul searching. I've done it quite a few times is why I recognize it. Best wishes to you and your wife and boys. You WILL make it through this tough time! This new year will be good for a lit if people, the out with the old, (thinking), and in with the new. We love you here!
 
I may not be as spiritual as most people, but i do believe im here for a reason. Years ago looking in the mirror wondering what im doing with my life.
So,make better choices,turn away the parasites and move forward.

Had a so called friend.paying to wash clothes at the laundramat. Gave him washer and dryer. He had a buyer lined up before i even dropped them off. Explains why he didnt want to hook them up right away. Im cautious who i help. There are a few, but i did learn a few hard lessons.
 
Tooljunkie said:
I may not be as spiritual as most people, but i do believe im here for a reason. Years ago looking in the mirror wondering what im doing with my life.
So,make better choices,turn away the parasites and move forward.

Had a so called friend.paying to wash clothes at the laundramat. Gave him washer and dryer. He had a buyer lined up before i even dropped them off. Explains why he didnt want to hook them up right away. Im cautious who i help. There are a few, but i did learn a few hard lessons.
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I feel for you all. had hard times years ago when my wife died at the age of 46 she had cancer and would not go to the doctor. on her birthday at some friends house she just stopped breathing, me and my oldest boy put her on the floor and started CPR. her heart was still beating so we just had to breath for her. It took a half hour for the ambulance to get there and I've done a lot of CPR on people when I worked in the medical field but was very hard for me on my own wife. At the hospital the doctor said she will not be able breath on her own and would never wake up. So I had to decided weather to keep her body going or just unplug her. That was a hard thing for me but decided to unplug her. There I was I had all 8 of my children still living at home the youngest was not quite 2 years old. It was a hard life the next few years but never got on welfare. WE made it I have 8 great children 14 grand children and one on the way. I have to say for me I am very happy and glad to be here. still no money but I feel rich..
 
Glad we all can be some help. Seeing that people care helps so much. I'm glad there's hope in repairing your Marriage. My 1st was broke beyond repair the night of our oldest son' 10th Birthday. Kept waiting for her to come home from work..thought maybe her car broke down so I drove up that way and found her red handed boning a co-worker of hers at a roadside park in the back of a camper. I had suspected others but never could prove it. Divorced Her and the damn Judge gave her custody of our 3 sons anyway because kids" need to be with their Mother." This was 1977..I had trust issues with women until I married my present Wife in 1983..Things do work out and it sounds like you are headed in the right direction.
 
First step, replace the negative energy with positive. the spiral will continue until the negative thoughts are replaced.
Remember Robert, you were once Superman, he is still in you, find him!
 
I have a wife like yours. She can't help helping people even though they are not worthy.

Just after we were married we let a friend of hers move in who was with an abusive man. She had a 4 year old and a 4 month old.

Worst mother I've ever seen. Didn't feed the baby nearly enough as he'd fall asleep and she'd put the boob away. I kept telling her you have to wake him up and let him eat. Finally I fed him with a bottle and he ate 3 times more than normal. The baby actually slept through the night.

We helped her with restraining orders, no rent went to court with her.

SHE violated the order on a regular basis. Wouldn't call the cops on the guy and skipped her last court date.

My wife will always go out of her way to do stuff like that.

Ya just have to let them do it. Otherwise, they go crazy.
 
dang rob, it's a shame your so far away, you would have been welcome to my lift as long as need be. them front wheel trannys can be a big ugly word with out them. dave.
RustyRatRod said:
Well lessie. The week of the 8th, I was havin an ambulance ride to the ER for kidney stones. The following week, I was back at the ER for more pain. Then on the 20th, I had kidney stone surgery. The following week, I got sick.......AS A DAWG. Then, a couple of days ago, the transmission in Kitty's Escape let go.

Yeah, I feel pretty broken. Emotionally, financially, spiritually and physically. Never touched a FWD OD transmission before and I am going to have to do it all myself. On the ground on jack stands. Caint afford a reman, even at my price......1600. So, I have a kit coming and a few upgrade parts so hopefully it won't happen again.

If I am able to pull this off, it'll be a dang goodun.
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AJ/FormS said:
But if you're talking Spiritually broken, I guess I missed that, Naw, sorry, I have no idea about that stuff. I have Jesus in my corner, who strengthens me . Right now I am winding down from a 3-year intense Bible Study, And I am so incredibly HIGH, I couldn't imagine being low.Ever again
Shoot I was low once, in about 1972...... for about two minutes. I found out my girlfriend was having sex with my room-mate, who was soon to be my brother-in law. Yeah that's right; he was boning my sister and my girlfriend. And I was getting nothing. Yeah that's right, I was a 19 yr old virgin. Long story short, I was piloting my motorcycle straight at an 18 wheeler, with the throttle pegged. Whenit suddenly dawned on me, I was not the sinner in this situation, why should I die? yyyyyyyooom, I swerved that rickity old 750 back into my lane, turned around and went home to my Daddy's house, remember I was 19 and just graduated.
I kissed that girl goodbye, and thought I was done with girls. That lasted for 3 and a half years,until december1975, when I met my soon to be wife. 18 months later we were wed.And I ain't been down ever since.
I of course forgave that SOB room mate, and he married my sister, and is now one of my best friends. I forgave that witch of a girlfriend too, and never saw her again.I learned later that 17 year old girls are um mostly in my school anyway, crazy for sex. I had no idea. Now I'm getting down....... lol. Naw just kidding.
I tell you what, read Genesis. And read it again and again and again. It doesn't matter if you are a Believer or not, just read it. Actually it's better if you're not a church-goer, cuz you won't have the baggage to get rid of. Start at the front of the Book! Like you're supposed to,lol.If you wanna fast-track yourself outta the funk, read it out loud. You may not know it, cuz most people take their hearing for granted, but there is something special about hearing, and even more special about hearing the Word of God.Hearing builds up your Faith and speaking the Word,chases away the devil, and his minions, who is/are the author of your funk. I tell you the truth; Read it out loud, and your troubles will begin to melt away. It doesn't matter if you believe it or not, truth is truth. You can just pretend you're reading whatever. But as long as those words are coming out of your mouth, and your ears are hearing them, SOMETHING will happen inside of you. Unplug the TV, turn off the radio.And begin to preach to yourself; cuz that is what you are doing. You are waking up the Spirit-man that God put inside you when you took your very first breath. Your brain/mind/intellect does not need to hear the Word of God, nearly as much as your Spirit does. Wake Him up! The more you preach to Him, the stronger He will get to the point of driving out all that darkness. It doesn't even matter what book you preach. The Spirit is gassing up. You are filling His tank with the Word. The Spirit is directly connected to the EAR-GAIT. So preach to Him brother. Fill His tank and see what will happen to your body, your mind, and your intellect. Chase out the darkness.
But Please, start in the Old Testament.Learn what Jesus was Preaching, and His gang. Those Words are Health to your Bones.
For a quicker picker up, peruse Psalms and Proverbs, but try not to read too much at once, cuz your brain will start to Trump your Spirit. Better it will be to feed the Spirit first, with Words your mind doesn't necessarily understand. Feed the Spirit, man. Right now He is all shriveled up,and so hungry for the Word. That's why there is room for the darkness to come in. Feed the Spirit.And watch Him squeeze the darkness out. Read the Word out loud, just Like Jesus did in the synagogue.
You won't get this in the church. In the church, the pastor will pick a few verses, almost exclusively from the NT, and foam at the mouth over them for 20 minutes, then say how sorry he is that the message went on for so long, and that you are now released to go home and eat. That is so sad, don't waste your time. 20 minutes, once a week, on a few NT verses means nothing to your Spirit! By the time you will be half way thru lunch, you will have completely forgotten the sermon, and your Spirit, if He was stirred at all, will have gone back to sleep. And this is the backbone of the church today, to preach to itchy ears, keep it short, and send the sheep to la-la land as fast as possible! Figure it out; You will hear the same short pab-lum week after week and your Spirit will never get enough energy to stay awake. Figure it out 52 times zero is still zero. And the Spirit sleeps!
Wake Him up! it's your only chance! Read the Word out loud. Stay in the Word as long as you can. You don't have to understand it. You're not reading it for you! You are preaching it to wake up the Spirit!. Preach it man, everyday, and watch the Spirit grow. And He will push out the darkness. Maybe someday, your intellect will grab hold of something you are preaching, and the flags in your mind will start waving, and if you respond, then you can save your Soul. But with a shriveled up Spirit, you're as good as sunk. Only Jesus can pull you out of that pit of despair.
Right now, this very day, there are more than two or three gathered in the name of Jesus praying for you. And when that happens the Holy Spirit of God listens. And He is eager to perform the word. So He will come to you, and give you a Measure of Faith to help you get started. It's a measure, so it will run out. Or if you ignore it, it will run out the bottom of your feet so to speak, and be lost forever. And then you will have to get two or three other Believers to repeat the process. The measure is a starter kit, it's up to you to multiply it by preaching to your Spirit. That measure is like a shot of adrenaline to the Spirit to wake Him up. Then it's up to you to stir Him up,pump Him up,enlarge Him with Words from the Bible. Preach the Word man, preach it!
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thanks for that post aj, couldn't have been more true.
 
May god bless you Robert, and lay His hand on your heart with peace and comfort, and to remind you that you are never alone. Sometimes we get down on ourselves a little too hard, and I read your entire post about what's been happening, and I can understand your feelings. Just know that you are not alone, and despite what may seem sometimes as a losing battle, it's a battle that needs to be won! Your wife, your boys, and yourself, all worth fighting for. As you take one day at a time, the battle doesn't seem so big, and the big picture seems a little smaller. Look into those little boys eyes, into Karli's eyes, and you'll see into their hearts, hearts that love you and are with you, and they are the ones who can help you win.

My heart and prayers are with you, and your whole family. May 2018 be a year of peace and love for you, and your whole family.
 
It is easy to stay negative these days with all fake news, trash talk, Facebook trolls, and negative vibes. Find something that cheers and uplifts you, whether it is spiritual or humorous or music. You become what enters you in all ways. Try to take in positive things; hearing, seeing, eating. Good luck to you. It sounds like you have a good woman to help you. (To put it more bluntly: Don't let the bastards wear you down!)
 
aaadave said:
dang rob, it's a shame your so far away, you would have been welcome to my lift as long as need be. them front wheel trannys can be a big ugly word with out them. dave.
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Yeah. It's gonna be a real big ugly word. lol I surely thank you though!
 
One of the reasons I stay with this site.

Throughout losing Sarah so many if you were there, even opening your doors during the journey.

I've had so many PM me over the years to talk about losing a child when they learned about losing mine what seems so many years ago.

When Karli and got married so many of you were so happy that I found happiness again after Sarah's death.

Then when Cyrus and Nick came along so many of you celebrated with us.

There are a very select few here who know more details as to what was going on, yet rooted for us both, no matter what (@Frankie ), and a few here through messenger and email helped me see some things a little more clearly (@inkjunkie, @66340SEDAN ).

Some were a sounding board, some were just there to talk, and all of you have given a listening ear and support.

This is more than "just" a message board, this has become a nation of friends.

Oh, and AJ, when I say spiritually broken I mean that once upon a time I let God's light shine through me to all around me. I was like a beacon in the dark as people would come to me out of a crowd to just strike up a conversation about anything, with the conversation eventually winding up with a Biblical conversation.

My mom used to say when I entered a room it was like someone turned on a light.

I covered that light with the darkness of depression, anxiety, anger, and a lot of other negative emotions.

Time to shine again.
 
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I bagged a 21 year old kid that fell down an elevator shaft working a construction site today. Had to deal with his family trying to make sense of such a loss. I hear these guys on this site going forth with Jesus or whatever can get them through the pain of life. Life is super hardcore man. Life is pain. Life is real. Nature is not saddened. Fight the good fight. You are a soldier in this life and are going to turn this **** around so that someday very soon you can look someone in the eye and give them the strength to carry on in their pain....to ease their pain....and the circle continues. Be thankful you have this pain to make you feel ALIVE. Remember your youth, where you came from and be proud. You can be the Hero of your own movie.

joe rogan be the hero of your own movie - Bing video

Love to you all.....
 
Ramenth, I love talking Bible stuff. I am learning so much. And I have a small circle of friends, we study together.We are not church goers. We are students of the Bible. We live far apart, so we seldom study together. Thank goodness for the internet. You're welcome to PM me anytime.
 
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