So, I don't know which thread to post my Halloween story into, so I will just put it here, guys. Try to follow and let me know what went wrong with my car:
So, the other night, I was out doing some typical Halloween partying with some friends. We all took off work early and started drinking around 4-5pm. By 8, we were smashed, but kept right on going. Then, when we were highly intoxicated, the bar owner threw us out for some reason...(I think a buddy of mine did the old, "I bet you 100 bucks I can pee in that cup from a foot away and not spill a drop game...). Anyways, after we were thrown out of the bar, we decided to head home. (We had walked to the bar). On the way, we were having a hard time getting home, so we stopped at some crappy little dive for dinner. My friends bet me boatloads of money to eat all kinds of gross crap...3 footlong chili dogs, some pickled eggs, pickled pigs feet, then finally, half a box of uncooked rice....Don't ask me how they got uncooked rice at the restaurant, but they did. Well, I didn't win the money, I couldn't get more than 1/4 of the box of rice emptied, who would've thought it expands after you eat it?
Anyways, we left, and since my house was the furthest away, I was left walking home alone. When I got to my house, I realized I had left the keys at the bar. Great. I didn't even know which one we had been at. I reached for my cell, must've left that on the table at the restaurant or bar. Damnit. No one was home, I was stuck outside. But wait! I had a garage door opener in my car!!! At this point, I was somewhere in between having to puke from the drinks/bad food/expanding rice mixture, so I hurried over to my car. Since I live in a decent enough neighborhood, and because I am really forgetful, I always leave it unlocked. Nothing worth stealing in that old jalopy anyways.
I jumped into the car, looked up, and there was my saving grace; the remote. I took it off of the sun visor, and ran back over to my garage. I hit the button; nothing. I hit it again. Still nothing. Thinking it was because I was out of my mind drunk, I hit it again, still nothing. Dang. The batteries were dead. So I ran back over to the car and climbed back in; Surely I had a spare key for the house, or at this point the car so I could drive to a friend's place!
I opened up the mess of a glovebox and began frantically searching for something; ANYTHING as my stomach began to gurgle. I grabbed everything, sifted around, and began tossing it all in the back seat. Surely there had to be something useful in here....Nothing. I even began reading through my insurance and registration, hoping that I could distract my insides from causing an epic meltdown. I even got so desperate that I unfolded maps that I didn't even realize that I had in the car (I mean, c'mon, everyone has a GPS these days!) but I must've kept them from some trip in years pre-Garmin, or maybe I had plans for post-zombie apocalypse when the satellites fell from the sky...But this is besides the point; I was so frantic that I was searching the maps, hoping that they denoted local bathroom vestiges, but unfortunately, this was not to be.
I think this was about the time I started to give up a little inside. I sat back, reached into my pockets, and hoped that MAYBE I had just missed my keys. Unfortunately, this was not to be; BUT I did still have my pack of Camels. I thought, "If I'm going to freeze to death and die out here, at least I'm going to go out with a smoke. Fortunately, I found some matches that I didn't even know I had in the car, and lit up 2 cigarettes at once with a little bit of satisfaction on my face. I leaned back, looked over, and realized, "Hey, I have gloves from last winter in here still!!!" So I put them on....All 3 pairs. It was cold as sh*t out there....Oh crap...I said sh*t...OH CRAP I SAID CRAP!!! My mind went back to my stomach. What could I do!!!??? I had to finish my search before something bad happened.
I went through every single seat pocket, drawer, door cargo area, and completely emptied them. What luck I had. Nothing of use. I was so desperate that I looked inside of the prescription sunglass cases inside of the car...my parents must have left them in the car again....Nothing in there, so I threw them on the dash.
Then came the final gurgle. You know what one I'm talking about. That one that seems like it starts at the bottom and runs all the way to the top, really nice and slow....usually during church or a quiet prayer at the lunch table....and you just know everyone heard it? Yeah, that one. This was it. The finale. All hope was lost. Then I realized, oh man, I'm in the driver's seat. There's kids everywhere. I can't drop a deuce in the bushes and have someone see me, after all, these are my neighbors! And I am certainly not going to stink up the one seat I have to sit in every day. I quickly climbed over the seats and into the back. This was it. The movement had done me in. Here comes chili dog. Or two......or three....
Luckily I had gym shorts on, or this would've gone much worse. First, I felt like I had to pee an entire toilet full, like a double flush so it wouldn't overflow kind of pee. I whipped it out, and let it fly. There was so much back pressure at this point, I swear not a drop hit the ground. The headliner got it the worst. It was literally a geyser. At one point, I think I even started writing my initials before the flow got too weak and I had to finish up on the rear floor and passenger seat. Then, I got myself into the hovering position, like you would do at any strange rest stop bathroom where you don't want your *** touching something that isn't a toilet seat, and let 'er rip. I mean, full on, Van Wilder movie ending into the trashcan let 'er rip. It was at that point that I realized why someone in my family needed prescription sunglasses; yes, it must be hereditary; I pushed so hard I could swear I felt blood vessels in my eyes explode. There could be no other reason why I had 2 pairs of those glasses; one for daily use, one in case I broke the first pair and had to take another epic number two like I was doing here. I accepted the inevitable, and while I was relieving myself, passed the time reading my insurance information. There's no wonder people don't read the fine print, I couldn't understand a single thing that was written on it.
After about 2 minutes of the best BM I've ever had, I quickly came back to reality. I was in the back seat of my car, squatting over the rear seat, dropping a load. I had to get out of there before someone saw my bare *** sticking up in the window. Then it hit me; I had just dropped the most massive, stinky load into my own car....without planning ahead for the cleanup. I had insurance and registration papers; maybe I'd use those. NO. WAIT. What if I got pulled over tomorrow and had to show license, registration, and proof of insurance. I would either have to tell the officer of the night before, or hand him sh*t covered papers and get thrown into the back of a squad car after a good 10 minutes of the officer claiming I was, "resisting." No, that wasn't going to happen. DA*NIT! Why didn't I have a box of Kleenex, or even baby wipes in the car!? Thinking quickly on my feet, I took off the three pairs of gloves and used those. Yes, it took all 3 pairs. Ahhhh....relief.
I was finally coming back down to earth. I had to get out of there. I stumbled out of the back seat, and out of the car. Where was I going to go!? And then it hit me; I had my wallet in my back pocket still....and I had a spare house key in my wallet!!! OMG THIS ALL COULD HAVE BEEN AVOIDED!!!!! I whipped out my wallet, and there it was. The key. I was so embarrassed. I was going to have a hell of a story, and a cleanup, for tomorrow. I stumbled into the house, and that's all I remember.
The next morning I awoke, almost late for work. Frantically I got ready, and hurried downstairs. What the hell had happened last night? I opened my door, and to my fear, my car was missing from the driveway. WAIT. I parked it in the garage, so that some bastard of a kid wouldn't egg it. As I pulled out of the garage, I thought to myself, I wonder what happened next door? I see my neighbor is getting his car towed away, and man he looks pissed. It looks like the tow driver is having a pretty good time with it, though. Weird.
