Last one to post in this thread wins!

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Biff said:
Well threatened-snow all day but still dry as a wet fart out here .:lol:
Click to expand...
Cold here but gonna warm up soon and dry as a popcorn fart. lol
Night Biff. Ho you won the jolly green giant butt plug by the way so will send it your way.
 
6FDF87EF-4686-46D9-A277-456EFECEF894.jpeg
 
A police officer calls the station.

“I have an interesting case here,” he says. “A woman shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped.”

“Have you arrested her?” asks the sergeant.

“No, not yet. The floor’s still wet.”
 
Ho Chow call in to work one day and says "Hey, I no come to work today, I really sick. Got headache, stomach ache, and legs hurt, I no come to work"
The boss says "You know something Ho Chow, I really need you today. When I feel sick like you, I go to my wife and ask her for a little lovin. That makes everything better and I go to work."
Two hours later Ho Chow calls again "I do what you say and I feel great! I be at work soon....and boss, you got really nice house"
 
The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees was absent but had not phoned in sick.

So he dialed the employee's home phone number after a number of rings he was answered by child's whisper
"Hello?"
'Is your daddy home?' '
Small voice whispered, 'Yes, he's out in the garden ,'
May I talk with him?'
The child whispered,' No.'
So the boss asked, 'Well, is your Mommy there?'
'Yes she's out in the garden too'
The boss asked; 'May I talk with her?'
Again, 'No'

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, 'Is anybody else there?'
'Yes, whispered the child,' a policeman . '

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, 'May I speak with the policeman?'
'No, He's busy,' whispered the child.

'Busy doing what?'
'Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the police dog men. '
Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background, the boss asked, 'What is that noise?'
It's a helicopter 'answered the whispering voice.
'What is going on there?' demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.
'The search team just landed a helicopter
' A search team?' said the boss.
'What are they searching for?'
Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle.... 'ME '
 
A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with five young mothers & their small children.

"You all have obsessions", he stated. "I am concerned that these individual obsessions are going to impact your children”.

To the first mother, Mary, he said: "You are obsessed with
eating. You’ve even named your daughter Candy”.

He turned to the second Mum, Ann: "Your obsession is with money. It manifests itself in your children's names, Penny, Goldie and Frank”.

He turned to the third Mum, Joyce: "Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your children's names: Brandy and Sherry. You even called the cat, Whisky”.

He then turned to the fourth Mum June: "Your obsession is with flowers. Your girls are called Rose, Daphne & Poppy".

At this point, the fifth mother, Kathy, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered: "Come on Dick, this guy has no idea what he's talking about. Grab Fanny and Willy, we're going".
 
A New York attorney representing a wealthy art collector called and asked to speak to his client, "Saul, I have some good news and, I have some bad news." The art collector replied, "I've had an awful day; let's hear the good news first." The lawyer said, "Well, I met with your wife today, and she informed me that she invested $5,000 in two pictures that she thinks will bring a minimum of $15-20 million. I think she could be right." Saul replied enthusiastically, "Well done! My wife is a brilliant businesswoman! You've just made my day. Now I know I can handle the bad news. What is it?" The lawyer replied, "The pictures are of you with your secretary."
 
A man was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome. He mentioned the trip to the barber, who responded, “Why would anyone want to go there.
Its crowded and dirty and full of Italians, you’re crazy to go to Rome, so, how are you getting there?”
“We’re taking TWA,” was the reply. “We got a great rate!”
“TWA!” exclaimed the barber. “That’s a terrible airline, their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they’re always late, so, where are you staying in Rome?”
“We’ll be at the downtown International Marriott.”
“That dump! That’s the worst hotel in Rome, the rooms are small, the service is surly and they’re overpriced, so, whatcha doing when you get there?”
“We’re going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope.”
“That’s rich,” laughed the barber. “You and a million other people trying to see him, he’ll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours, you’re going to need it!”.......

A month later, the man again came in for his regular haircut, the barber asked him about his trip to Rome.
“It was wonderful,” explained the man, “not only were we on time in one of TWA’s brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class.
The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a beautiful 28-year-old stewardess who waited on me hand and foot.
And the hotel! Well, it was great! They’d just finished a $25 million remodeling job and now it’s the finest hotel in the city.
They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us the presidential suite at no extra charge!”
“Well,” muttered the barber, “I know you didn’t get to see the pope.”
“Actually, we were quite lucky, for as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I’d be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the pope would personally greet me.
Sure enough, five minutes later, the pope walked in. As I knelt down he spoke a few words to me.”
“What’d he say?”
He said, “Where’d you get that terrible haircut?”
 
A beautiful woman who loved to work in her vegetable patch, but no matter what she did, she couldn't get her tomatoes to ripen. Admiring her neighbour's garden, which had beautiful, bright-red tomatoes, she went one day and inquired what his secret was.
"It's really quite simple," the old man explained. "Twice each day, in the morning and in the evening, I expose myself in front of the tomatoes and they turn red with embarrassment."
Desperate for the perfect tomatoes, she took his advice and proceeded to expose herself to her plants, twice daily. Two weeks passed and her neighbour stopped by to check her progress. "So," he asked. "Any luck with the tomatoes?"
"No," she replied excitedly. "But you should see the size of my cucumbers!"
 
Morning guys. It's cold outside this morning. Just finished a bowl of porridge.
Wow Thursday already, where did the week go?
Listening to some good tunes with the headphones on so not to wake the bride.
Have a great day.
 
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