walkintree
Well-Known Member
It's my 100th post. So i decided i needed to find some hilarious jokes:
Ham and Eggs: A day's work for a chicken; A lifetime commitment for a pig.
A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working condition. The engine ran fine, the out drive went up and down, and the prop was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath.
He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard. NOW REMEMBER...THIS IS TRUE ... Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer
Why do women have two sets of lips?
One set to ***** at you with, and the other to apologize with.
Eminem's tour of Ireland is to go ahead despite concerns over a sickening attitude to women, appallingly obscene language, an irresponsible attitude to sex and violence, and, of course, the booze.
Eminem said that, despite these shocking traits, he would wait and "judge the Irish for himself."
The Top 11 Things Uttered by Yoda While Making Love.
Bond, James Bond!
A rather confident 007 walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks,
"Is your date running late?"
"No", he replies, "I am here alone. Q has just given me this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it."
The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"
"It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," he explains.
"What's it telling you now?"
"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties..."
The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!"
007 taps, taps his watch,
and says "Damn thing must be an hour fast"
Ham and Eggs: A day's work for a chicken; A lifetime commitment for a pig.
When blondes have more fun do they know it?
Attempt to get a new car for your spouse - it'll be a great trade!
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
For sale: parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
I want to die peacefully, in my sleep, like my grandfather, not screaming, terrified, like his passengers.
THE GRAND FINALE
Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, California, some folks, new to boating, were having a problem. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get their brand new 22 ft. boat going. It was very sluggish in almost every manoeuvre, no matter how much power was applied.
After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted to a nearby marina, thinking someone there could tell them what was wrong.Attempt to get a new car for your spouse - it'll be a great trade!
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
For sale: parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
I want to die peacefully, in my sleep, like my grandfather, not screaming, terrified, like his passengers.
THE GRAND FINALE
Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, California, some folks, new to boating, were having a problem. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get their brand new 22 ft. boat going. It was very sluggish in almost every manoeuvre, no matter how much power was applied.
A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working condition. The engine ran fine, the out drive went up and down, and the prop was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath.
He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard. NOW REMEMBER...THIS IS TRUE ... Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer
Why do women have two sets of lips?
One set to ***** at you with, and the other to apologize with.
Today's Quote for the Day comes from Bono of U2, explaining why he would never want to run for the presidency of the United States:
"I wouldn't want to move to a smaller house."
"I wouldn't want to move to a smaller house."
Eminem's tour of Ireland is to go ahead despite concerns over a sickening attitude to women, appallingly obscene language, an irresponsible attitude to sex and violence, and, of course, the booze.
Eminem said that, despite these shocking traits, he would wait and "judge the Irish for himself."
The Top 11 Things Uttered by Yoda While Making Love.
11. "Ahhh! Yoda's little friend you seek!"
10. "Urm. Put a shield on my sabre I must."
9. "Feel the force!"
8. "Foreplay, cuddling-a Jedi craves not these things."
7. "Down here, I am. Find a ladder, I must!"
6. "Do me or do me not-there is no try."
5. "Early must I rise. Leave now you must!"
4. "Happens to every guy sometimes this does."
3. "When 900 years old you get, Viagra you need too, hmmmmm?"
2. "Ow, ow, OW! On my ear you are!"
And the top most common thing Uttered by Yoda While Making Love.....
1. "Who's your Jedi master? WHO'S your Jedi Master?"
10. "Urm. Put a shield on my sabre I must."
9. "Feel the force!"
8. "Foreplay, cuddling-a Jedi craves not these things."
7. "Down here, I am. Find a ladder, I must!"
6. "Do me or do me not-there is no try."
5. "Early must I rise. Leave now you must!"
4. "Happens to every guy sometimes this does."
3. "When 900 years old you get, Viagra you need too, hmmmmm?"
2. "Ow, ow, OW! On my ear you are!"
And the top most common thing Uttered by Yoda While Making Love.....
1. "Who's your Jedi master? WHO'S your Jedi Master?"
Bond, James Bond!
A rather confident 007 walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks,
"Is your date running late?"
"No", he replies, "I am here alone. Q has just given me this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it."
The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"
"It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," he explains.
"What's it telling you now?"
"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties..."
The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!"
007 taps, taps his watch,
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