So a Guy Walks into a Bar...

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harrisonm

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A guy walks into a bar and sits on a stool. He takes a miniature grand piano out of a pocket in his overcoat and places it on the bar. Then he takes a foot high man out of his other pocket and the man started playing the piano. The bartender said, "What goes on here, buddy?" The guy said, "I found bottle on the beach and rubbed the label to see what it used to be. To my surprise, a Genie popped out of it and granted me one wish." "What did you ask for?", asked the bartender. The man said, "Well I sure as hell didn't ask for a 12 inch pianist."
 
Do you mean that the guy wanted to increase his ***** size?
 
Why do guys do that; How does manliness equate to inches?
Ya know, baggy pants are so hard to find now, It wasn'y always like this.
I used to make a special tube-sock with a leather sole, to prevent roadrash, but as time marches on, it's even getting harder to find good leather.
 
I knew a guy that used to say that his unit was like a tuna can....Only an inch and a half long but 4 inches wide.
"I'll never bottom out but I beat the hell out of the sides."
 
Long as a cats tail if you measure the same.... from bung hole forward.
 
A guy walks into a bar with a duck sitting on his head and sits down. The bartender asks "what can I get you"? The duck says, "can you get this guy off of my ***"?
 
I knew a guy that used to say that his unit was like a tuna can....Only an inch and a half long but 4 inches wide.
"I'll never bottom out but I beat the hell out of the sides."

One of my favorite writers of all time, Joseph Wambaugh (a retired L.A. Police Detective), wrote about an exhibitionist and flasher in the L. A. area back in the 70s and 80s. Yeah, you guessed it, his nickname was Tuna Can Tommy, and that was his police nickname, based on the descriptions of his ***** from multiple victims and witnesses.
 
A guy walks into a bar. He asks the bartender, "Do you have any helicopter flavored potato chips?" The bartender shakes his head and says, "No, we only have plain."
 
The sign said, "it ain't the meat, it's the motion"
Underneath the sign in neat letters, some else wrote, "without the meat, there ain't no motion, asshole"
 
A guy walks into a bar. Bartender asks, "how's it going?"

Okay, I guess. Holding my own.

"That's good." replied the bartender. "You'd get arrested if you held someone else’s."
 
So a guy walks into a bar with a pair of jumper cables around his neck. The bartender looks at him and says gruffly, " All right, pal, I'll let you stay but don't start anything."
 
A rope slinks into a bar, jumps up on the bar and orders a scotch. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't server ropes in here." A little while later, the rope comes back, jumps up on the bar and orders a scotch. Same thing...bartender says, "I told you, we don't serve ropes in here. So the rope goes out in the alley and tries to disguise himself. He ties himself into a knot, ruffles his ends so the strands fluff up, and goes back in. He jumped up on the bar and orders a scotch. The bartender says, "Hey, aren't you that rope that justs came in here?" The reply, "No. I'm a frayed knot."
 
A guy walks into a bar and orders a few drinks, then reaches into his pocket and pulls out a rod, a shaft, a steel plate, and a bimetallic spring. The bartender asks, "What is this, some kind of choke?"
 
What do you find in a clean nose?
v
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Finger prints!!!
 
I bought a Pair of boots from a local drug dealer.
I don't know what he laced them with, but i have been tripping all day!!!
 
A new guy in town walks into a bar and notices a large jar filled to the brim with $10 bills. The man approaches the bartender and asks, "What's up with the jar?"

"Well, you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, then you get all the money."

"What are the three tests?" asks the man

"Gotta pay first."

So the guy gives him the $10 bucks, and the bartender adds it to the jar.

"OK, here's what you have to do. First, you have to drink that whole bottle of pepper tequila -- the WHOLE thing at once -- and you can't make a face while doing it. Second, there's a pit bull chained up out back with a sore tooth. You have to remove the tooth with your bare hands. Third, there is a 90-year-old woman upstairs who's never had an orgasm in her life. You gotta make things right for her."

"Well, I know I've paid my $10 bucks," says the man, "but I'm not an idiot. No wonder you've collected so much money -- that's impossible!"

The new guy proceeds to drink several whiskeys, and eventually, he gets up his nerve.

"Wherez zat teeqeelah?" he slurs.

He grabs the bottle of pepper tequila with both hands and downs it, gulp by gulp. Tears are streaming down his cheeks, but he doesn't make a face. Next, he staggers out back. Everyone in the bar hears a huge scuffle outside -- barking, yelping and growling, then silence.

Just when they think the man must be dead, he staggers back into the bar with his shirt ripped and gashes across his body.

"NOW," he says, "wherez at ol' lady with the sore tooth?"
 
A Pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel attached to his dick. The Bartender asks him why And the Pirate says: Argh, It’s driving me nuts.
 
A Pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel attached to his dick. The Bartender asks him why And the Pirate says: Argh, It’s driving me nuts.
LOL on this one ! ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
 
So the prospector had been in the mine for weeks and decides to go to town. He enters the local bar and tells the bartender I want a room, the nastiest ***** you have and a case of bottled beer. There is a knock on the door, he opens it and sees the nasties ***** he had ever seen with a case of bottled beer under arm. She walks over to the bed bends over and lifts her dress.
The prospector says no I want to have a beer first and she replies yes don't you want to open it?
 
So the prospector had been in the mine for weeks and decides to go to town. He enters the local bar and tells the bartender I want a room, the nastiest ***** you have and a case of bottled beer. There is a knock on the door, he opens it and sees the nasties ***** he had ever seen with a case of bottled beer under arm. She walks over to the bed bends over and lifts her dress.
The prospector says no I want to have a beer first and she replies yes don't you want to open it?

I imagine it may be difficult getting a good enough grip on the bottle cap to actually open it!
 
A guy walks into a bar, "bartender, I betcha a drink that I can bite my eye" to which the bartender agrees. Guy takes out his teeth and bites his eye. Slams down the drink
"Betcha a drink I can bite my other eye" to which the bartender agrees. Guy takes out his eye and bites. Slams down the drink - and heads over to the bar patrons and runs the same scam
About a 1/2 hour later guy walks back up to the bartender "I betcha $50 I pee in that bucket over there and get every drop in"
Bartender thinks to himself - there is no way possible he can do this. And agrees to the bet
The guy turns around and pees all over the bartender. The bartender laughing - "you missed, you didn't get any in that bucket. You owe me $50"
The guy responds "that is ok, i bet everybody else in the bar $100 that I could pee on you and make ya laugh"
 
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