I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the
biggest ***** she had ever laid her hands on. I said, "You're pulling
my leg."
I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!! At least I presume
she was poor - she only had $1.20 in her purse.
My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my
girlfriend yet.
Went for my routine checkup today and everything seemed to be going
fine until he stuck his index finger up my butt! Do you think I
should change dentists?
A wife says to her husband you're always pushing me around and talking
behind my back. He says what do you expect? You're in a wheelchair.
I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get
reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she
would like to come back as a cow. I said, "You're obviously not
listening".
The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the
worst. So, I have been to the thrift shop to get all of her clothes
back.
At the Senior Citizens Center they had a contest the other day. I
lost by one point: The question was: Where do women mostly have
curly hair? Apparently, the correct answer was Africa!!!
One of the other questions that I missed was to name one thing
commonly found in cells. It appears that Mexicans is not the correct
answer either.
There's a new Muslim clothing shop opened in our shopping center, but
I've been banned from it after asking to look at some of the new
bomber jackets.
You can say lots of bad things about pedophiles but at least they
drive slowly past schools.
A buddy of mine has just told me he's getting it on with his
girlfriend and her twin. I said, "How can you tell them apart?" He
said, "Her brother's got a mustache."
Just put a deposit down on a brand new Porsche and mentioned it on
Facebook. I said, "I can't wait for the new 911 to arrive!" Next
thing I know 4,000 f....g Muslims have added me as a friend!!
Being a modest man, when I checked into my hotel on a recent trip, I
said to the lady at the registration desk, "I hope the **** channel in
my room is disabled." To which she replied, "No, it's regular
people-****, you sick bastard.
The Red Cross have just knocked at our door and asked if we could help
towards the floods in Pakistan. I said we would love to, but our
garden hose only reaches the driveway
