What would you do?

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rod7515

rod7515

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This August My wife and I will celebrate 35 yrs together. Since day 1 her dad has been an asshole. Thats as nice as I can say it. Her mom is the sweetest thing you could ever meet and has put up with so much abuse both verbally and mentally since I met her. Many times she says I dont know why I put up with him but at her age its a little late to change. My wife spent 3 years in counseling trying to resolve issues from her childhood around him. The first 10 years we were married I just refused to speak to him. He is 88 and mother inlaw is 84. He cant do much because he is to heavy. However he wants no help from anyone and then my mother inlaw has to help him do things and that puts her at risk of getting hurt. This summer he fell from a ladder because he couldnt wait for someone to help. When it snows she has to go out and help clean the driveway and its on a pretty good slope. Shes had 2 hip replacements a knee replacement and shoulder surgery in the last 10 years. When we get a big snow like today thats over 4-5 inches she always asks me to come clean their driveway. Well in the past that meant loading the tractor up on my trailer and driving over. Well this summer I told her I could just put my spare tractor and snowblower in their garage for the winter that way it would be easier. They only have 1 car since he cant drive so theirs plenty of room. So today we get almost 10 inches of snow. I go up get the tractor out and clean the driveway, When I pull the blower back into the garage he comes out and asks me when Im getting it out. I said when its done snowing. He looks at me and says I want it out. So I tell him thats not a problem, from now on he can clean his own driveway. Then I go in and tell my mother inlaw Ill be up this weekend to get the tractor out. She apologizes for him and I told her Ill do anything for her all she has to do is call but for him I will never help with anything. As I was leaving I had to walk by him outside, I told him he was a bastard! I didnt say any more although I wanted to but I decided not to go there. (once I cross that thresh hold it would have been a no return area!) When I came home I told the wife that I would never help him again. Its a tough situation because I dont want my mother inlaw falling or getting hurt doing stuff. The wife hasnt said another word about it. Not sure where this will go from here but Im done with him!
Thanks for letting me vent.
Rod
 
Sounds to me like you are handling things about as well as anyone could expect given the situation.
 
You could consider attempting to move MIL into your home and let FIL fend for himself. Sometimes tough love is the only answer and survival can change a persons tone amazingly fast.
 
Don't piss off your children... They get to pick what nursing home to put you in...
 
spinman_1949 said:
You could consider attempting to move MIL into your home and let FIL fend for himself. Sometimes tough love is the only answer and survival can change a persons tone amazingly fast.
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Great idea! That way you'll protect your mother in law from getting injured trying to help him.
 
He IS a bastard, but she still needs the driveway cleared so she can drive. I would leave it there, and make excuses about your trailer, etc., unless he going to set it outside, or damage it or something. You always going to take care of your MIL, regardless, well, this is that "regardless" moment. He's a POS, but if he's not going to sell your stuff, then leave it there and tell him your doing it for his wife, and your wife's mother.
My Bro-in-law and mother in law lived in the same town as us for years. MIL go divorced, so she asked her son to help out regularly.This one time she needed help, I was at my bro in laws house finishing up an addition I put on their house (for free I might add, well Beer..:)), and he asked me to go to his moms to take of her! guess what, since she needed the help, I did it anyway.

Point being, she needs your help, and it's not her fault her her husband is a waste of space. Good luck.
 
if you are willing and able to spend the money on it I would just call the plowtruck of your choice (I actually know several people who could do this for me) and have them plow the driveway for the time being

im sure this will come to bite me but whenever it is possible take the high road
(and by that I mean ill prolly have to put my money where my mouth is sooner or later now that I said that)
 
I realize he is 88 and likely will never change. But I was in a situation once, more work related, that my boss was a real prick. Day in and day out. He also had some serious size to him so people feared him. One day I had enough, walked up to him, told him he was a real F****** A****** and I wasn't putting up with it anymore. I knew I was doing a good job, as are you by taking care of the MIL, and I didn't need his S***. I was surprised, he didn't even respond. But a funny thing happened that day. He changed his attitude towards me and my co-workers. May not be the case with your FIL, but some people just need to be told, really told.

In any case, good luck.
 
If you would have kicked his *** 35 years ago this wouldn't be happening now.

Move your mother in law in and find her a boyfriend
 
Here's my suggestion. Heap fiery coals upon his head. Of coarse this is a metaphor, but the point is, it can be very affective to do the opposite of what you're inclined to do. Instead of responding to his hateful words with similar remarks of your own, show him kindness. Give him respect, even though he has not earned it. This will have a profound effect and eventually he will likely change his attitude. This may difficult to do, and it won't happen overnight, but worth the effort. I've done it myself.
 
NtUrMomsDart said:
Sounds to me like you are handling things about as well as anyone could expect given the situation.
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bighammer said:
Here's my suggestion. Heap fiery coals upon his head. Of coarse this is a metaphor, but the point is, it can be very affective to do the opposite of what you're inclined to do. Instead of responding to his hateful words with similar remarks of your own, show him kindness. Give him respect, even though he has not earned it. This will have a profound effect and eventually he will likely change his attitude. This may difficult to do, and it won't happen overnight, but worth the effort. I've done it myself.
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^^^This^^^ He's a sad old man, he's at the end of his life.
 
Rodney, that's a tough one.

My thoughts would be, just deal with him as little as possible, but be kind when you do as tough as it may be, in other words, be the bigger man! The last thing you want/need, is for him to be taking it out on your MIL, and it's sounds as if he may be the type.

It's sad that some people go through life with the attitude he has, they are truly missing out on so much.
 
I'd tune him up first, then tell him if I get another report
of him being a asshole to his wife, I'll be back with the authorities , get a restraining order, and see if we can't get court ordered medication, therapy or nursing home for violent people.
Don't make threats, do it, burn his ***.
 
You did the right thing by letting him know he's an A hole. Some people need to be reminded constantly. I think you should still do the old guys snow removal though, he will definitely hurt himself. Just don't take no sh*t from him when you do. If he throws you off the property. leave peacefully.
 
You handled it well. I would have punched him in the nose. 88 or not.
 
There is always sending him to a nursing home or threatening to.

They know they are circling the drain when they go there
 
longarm said:
I'd tune him up first, then tell him if I get another report
of him being a asshole to his wife, I'll be back with the authorities , get a restraining order, and see if we can't get court ordered medication, therapy or nursing home for violent people.
Don't make threats, do it, burn his ***.
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Should have happened a long time ago.

I agree. You've got to stand your ground against abusive people. They are like ticks. They find a nice, cozy place to dig in and infest your life and you don't want to deal with them initially, because they are a pain in the ***, but you can't just continue letting them leach off of you.

I'd basically dismiss everything he says. What the hell is he going to do? Fall on you? Leave it there. She lives there. Let him call the cops. They will do exactly nothing about it if she is okay with it being there and the cops will likely see what a dick he is, just the same, after the situation is explained to them.

I throttle people like that.
 
Thanks for everyones thoughts and suggestions. I have to say some of them really had me laughing which made me feel better about this whole thing. Just a few that I need to respond to, first is bighammer, hes 88 so I think change is well gone by now. Hes been an a--hole for the 38 yrs ive known him so he would only change for about 24 hours then return right back! lol.
Geo, 35 yrs ago they would have locked me up if we got to that point. I can honestly say I have never liked him but I tolerated him because of the rest of the family. But looking back I wish I would have! lol But then your remarks of sending them to a home (which the wife mentioned having them sell the house and moving them to a retirement home just tonight) was topped of by the best of all, "They know they are circling the drain when they go there" that one was the a keeper!! loved it and it had me rolling.

So tonight on the way home from dinner my wife calls her mom to see how shes doing and she ask if she needed anything while we are out. Of course she wants milk and bread. So we stop and get it for her and when we get there the wife asks if I was coming in. I say no Ill wait in the car. when she comes out she says her dads almost in tears and told her he didnt mean what he said last night. I look over at her, smiled and tell her tomorrow I will be taking my tractor home. Told her that when we got married it was to her and not her family.
So I plan on getting it out tomorrow. I hope he doesnt come out while I am taking it out and loading because I cant say I would be as nice as I was last night. Ill let you know how it goes.
Rod
 
I just want to add, there is a slight possibility its not his fault. he may have a behavior disorder, chemical deficiency etc. Mental disorders sometimes aren't apparent. Also if he's on medications, that screws with peoples personalities. When you feel like crap all the time, it easy to forget to be nice to people.
 
Ryan Ward said:
I just want to add, there is a slight possibility its not his fault. he may have a behavior disorder, chemical deficiency etc. Mental disorders sometimes aren't apparent. Also if he's on medications, that screws with peoples personalities. When you feel like crap all the time, it easy to forget to be nice to people.
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Ryan....You took the words right out of my mouth. At his age he may have a mental disorder which makes him act the way he acts. Still no excuse but the problem is that the MIL needs help from someone and you shouldn't write her off because of him. It's not her fault that he's an A-hole. I don't know the solution but if you leave your tractor over there, what's he gonna do, sue you for helping??

Treblig
 
I can't believe any one would even consider "tuning up" an 88 year old man...no matter what kind of jerk he is. There are laws against that you know. Hard as it is just make clear what you do is for her benefit and not his.
 
I dug the trailer out of the snow today and got ready to go take the tractor home. The wife ask me not to so Ive put it off until tomorrow. Those of you that think its not his fault do to his age need to go back and read closer. He has been an A--hole for all 38 years I have known him, The only reason I didnt go up today was because my MIL would end up doing the driveway because he is a piece of shi- and would have her out there because he cant do it himself. And also my wife would end up there helping so her mom didnt have to. There is no winning thing for me to do here,
Rod
 
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