Classic insults

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You have your entire life to be an idiot, why not take today off?

I'd like to help you out, could you show me which way you came in?

Mirrors can't talk, fortunately for you they can't laugh either.
 
It's impossible to underestimate you.

I'll never forget the first time we met, but it won't be for a lack of trying.

You're like a cloud, as soon as you disappear, it's a beautiful day.
 
For some reason I remember that a friend of mine was PO'd at me for some reason--don't remember the reason--but he told me......."Your BRAIN is SO SMALL that if you shoved it up an ANT'S *** it would roll around like a MARBLE in a BOXCAR!!!"

On a side note, I've always thought Hemingway was over-rated, and pretty much an awful person
 
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67Dart273 said:
For some reason I remember that a friend of mine was PO'd at me for some reason--don't remember the reason--but he told me......."Your BRAIN is SO SMALL that if you shoved it up an ANT'S *** it would roll around like a MARBLE in a BOXCAR!!!"

On a side note, I've always thought Hemingway was over-rated, and pretty much an awful person
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Agreed. For the past 15 years or so I've been buying and reading some of The Classics of Literature, and for the life of me I don't understand the appeal of Hemingway, either in his writings or his personal life. Still have some of his books on the shelves, but I'm transferring everything over to our new built-in cabinets in the family room, and if I happen to run out of space....
 
I was with my dad once a couple years when a cop pulled him over. The cop was maybe 5' 6". My dad is maybe 5'8" and has a white mustache to the middle of his chest and white hair to the middle of his back. He's an old oil worker and none too hesitant to kick someone's ***, but he was sitting down in the car.

The window rolls down and my dad lays into him before he can even start.

"You better take off that tool belt, it's stunting your growth."

The cop immediately radios for backup.

My old man: "It's good you're calling for backup, you're clearly the back-down"

The cop starts with "sir "

My dad replies with "I didn't know that they made police uniforms in youth sizes"

The cop inhales and opens his mouth to speak.
Pops informs the cop to look out because if they tase him, he might fall in the officers' direction and everyone knows the stump can't hold up the tree.

The cop is getting red in the face.

My dad cools him off by telling him those aren't knee-high boots on anyone else.

Backup arrives.

Backup is maybe 6" tall.

My dad cooly informs backup, without getting out of the car, that backup will have to search him if they want to find anything above the knees.

Traffic cop has begun to talk but it's spits and spatters of coherent communication. I'm assuming I will be going to jail as well

My dad redirects his fury at traffic cop. "Is that a pistol or a sawed off shotgun? Compared to the size of your hand, it looks awfully big to be a pistol"

Backup now has a hand on backdown's shoulder, but is clearly struggling to hold back laughter.

Father of the Year unleashes something to the effect of, "I see good cop, bad cop is on his way, where does small cop fit in?"

This is all non stop, mind you. My dad has unleashed all of these well before anyone can speak, and they do not stop.

"I thought little piggies went to market"
"The city must pay you guys by the pound"
"Isn't child labor illegal?"
"Does he have to ride in the back seat facing rearward"

These are the only ones I can recall, the old man has been on a tirade for over five minutes stopping only to inhale and sneer disgustingly at traffic cop.

Backup finally pulls traffic cop away, and at this time traffic cop has one hand on his gun and one hand on his taser. Traffic cop is now yelling at backup to let him go. Backup tells my dad to drive safe and have a nice day and we go on our way.

My dad never even had to produce his ID.
 
Cop pulled me over, said license and registration handed it over, he said you know why I pulled you over, I said no and if you don’t I’m going. He said you were speeding. I said I’m going to be late for work. He told me well now you’re going to be really late. I replied not if you get your *** in gear and write that ticket and I get my foot right in it I can still make it. Car impounded
 
Ahoey said:
Cop pulled me over, said license and registration handed it over, he said you know why I pulled you over, I said no and if you don’t I’m going. He said you were speeding. I said I’m going to be late for work. He told me well now you’re going to be really late. I replied not if you get your *** in gear and write that ticket and I get my foot right in it I can still make it. Car impounded
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She said crying:
''Why can't I date a guy who has manners, good looks, and is sensitive?''
I said:
''Because all of those guys already have boyfriends.''
 
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