A Discussion on Funerals

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At the time of my father's death, I gave a quick farewell address aloud after the church memorial service ended and before the mourners filed outside. One person came up to me afterward and kind of complemented my "courage" to share some thoughts with everyone:

"Very briefly, please let me describe a little story that will give you an insight on how my Dad may like to be remembered.

More and more, I have begun to introduce myself as “Young George Abel”, so I won’t be confused with my father. But now, I wonder if maybe I was presuming something that I should not have. Some of you may not realize that I live in Mexico and attend school in San Diego. Before we begin, let me just explain what I appreciate most about living in Tijuana. And that is the fact that I see first hand, every day, how family unity is treasured over all the other luxuries we take for granted. And by luxury, I mean something simple, like hot running water.

Well, this past Sunday morning, after exactly a two hour wait to enter the United States, I finally reached the booth where the immigration officer would decide whether I was a friend or enemy. He compared my face with the image on my passport. “Where are you going today, George?” I had been crying off an on all morning and wanted some sympathy, so I told him the truth, which is not a bad idea in any case. “To my Dad’s funeral,” I said. He asked me what happened. “Well, he’s 86 years old, and that’s what happens.” But the uniformed officer corrected me with an interesting observation. He told me: “These days, that’s young.” I repeated that to myself, “These days, that’s young.” I began to wonder if maybe this stranger knows something about Dad that I had failed to notice.

Up to that point, my plan to get through this week was to console myself by thinking over and over again the following thoughts: What an old man Dad is and how he overcame a family history of heart disease, a former smoking habit, and a lifetime diet of meat and potatoes. I had convinced myself he had been living on borrowed time for the last twenty years and I should rejoice in the fact that he even made it past sixty.

But I was just fooling myself. The truth is George Abel has lived constantly in the prime of his life and I envy that. This small town, familiar atmosphere of Gonzales is what keeps Dad young, vibrant, and alive. Now when I look around, I have to ask myself, does anyone grow old here?

No, Gonzales is not the perfect place for me. I need the almost constant adrenaline rush of new places and new faces. But this vagabond existence has taken its toll on me. Now I realize I am the old man and my Dad is the young man. Yes, he is the young man and I am the old man. Why? He has a gift of making people feel good about themselves and he can’t help but welcome a strange face in town. He lacks the inhibitions that most of us acquire as adults. That is why we love him in a special way. If you don’t believe me, just ask the girls.

Now I feel “in the wrong” for describing Dad to that Immigration Officer as an “old man”. So I have to dismantle the plan I had to accept Dad’s death as quickly as possible and with as little pain as possible. It will be so sad for me to think he left in his prime, but I believe he did. Dad is vulnerable and maybe a little foolish at times, but that goes hand in hand with the attractive boyish manner that he will never outgrow.

You know, now I’m torn between wanting this day to be over and done with as soon as possible or, on the other hand, wanting it to never end. I want it to end for obvious reasons: my heart is in so much pain (unexplainably more so than when Mom died).

But at the same time, I want this day never to end. It is such a good feeling to be surrounded by loved ones. For me, it is a little glimpse of what heaven may be like. An atmosphere like this would be heaven for my Dad. Your familiar faces are such a comfort.

Thank you all, every one, for making whatever effort, large or small, to be present for Dad’s memorial. God be with you."
 
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At the time of my father's death, I gave a quick farewell address aloud after the church memorial service ended and before the mourners filed outside. One person came up to me afterward and kind of complemented my "courage" to share some thoughts with everyone.
I can understand they're thought. There's no way I could have done that at my Dad's.
 
You know, now I’m torn between wanting this day to be over and done with as soon as possible or, on the other hand, wanting it to never end. I want it to end for obvious reasons: my heart is in so much pain (unexplainably more so than when Mom died).

i wonder if the difference isnt in the fact that when your mom died, you lost half of your parents, when your dad died, you lost them all?
 
I hate Funerals too. I only go if I was close to them out of respect. If it's open casket I stand in the greeting area and listen over the loudspeaker. If it closed I will sit but when it's time for them to open it so everybody can gawk at them I let myself out the back door. Nobody has to worry about it for My Wife and I, Our written and Notarized instructions state immediate cremation and no service.
 
I hate Funerals too. I only go if I was close to them out of respect. If it's open casket I stand in the greeting area and listen over the loudspeaker. If it closed I will sit but when it's time for them to open it so everybody can gawk at them I let myself out the back door. Nobody has to worry about it for My Wife and I, Our written and Notarized instructions state immediate cremation and no service.
It's funny you say that. My dad's exact words were he didn't want people gawking at him.
 
Even after an extended illness, like for instance with Mama, it's still a ***** of a time. She was diagnosed with stage 3 breast cancer........in 1978. Back then, that was a death sentence.......and it was. But Mama was such a beautiful soul and such a FIGHTER she lasted until 1984. It's just a ***** of a time is all I can say. I think pretty much you nailed it. About all you can do is give your condolences.
 
'Sorry for your loss' and find the beverage cart.. I hate funerals..

My wife died last year and in lieu of a funeral, we had a small intimate gathering (her wishes). That was bad enough, can't imagine a full blown funeral.. I'd have snapped..

First I've heard.......or it's entirely possibly I forgot with my stupid ***. You have my deepest sympathy.
 
I wanted to say this too: it grinds my gears to see people on their phones during funerals. We walked in and there were 3 younger adults on their phones during this funeral.
 
Even after an extended illness, like for instance with Mama, it's still a ***** of a time. She was diagnosed with stage 3 breast cancer........in 1978. Back then, that was a death sentence.......and it was. But Mama was such a beautiful soul and such a FIGHTER she lasted until 1984. It's just a ***** of a time is all I can say. I think pretty much you nailed it. About all you can do is give your condolences.
I can't imagine watching a parent go through that and suffer. My Dad's was sudden, and that was bad enough.
 
I've been to too many funerals, some friends who died way too young, some family who died from things like cancer, stroke, heart disease. The worst was for a woman I had been seeing for several years, and planned to marry one day, who was murdered one cold winter night while she cleared the ice and snow from her car. I expect that if my wife passes before me, that will be as bad as it can be for me, I do not have any children.

I understand how it can be difficult to attend funerals, particularly if the deceased is not known to you, and you don't really know anyone there, who's family etc. In those situations I simply try to convey condolences and stay out of the way. I believe that the family find some degree of comfort in knowing that people were willing to take time from their lives to show them support in a difficult time.
 
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Sadly, funerals are about the only time you get the family, friends, etc. together anymore...while sad occasions, they usually end up with a lot of sharing of funny stories, and reconnecting with people...I think that helps (most) everyone deal with their grief, so they're oddly a good thing (plus the food is usually pretty good)
 
Had a very bad funeral for husband of my wife's best friend. He had ALS and lasted about 3 years from diagnosis. He was very angry about it and it was hard taking care of him. He died when covid hit but not because of it. The church was packed and you were edgy talking to people and wanting to hug, but not sure if you should. Very strange. Another friend died in truck collision during covid lockdown. We couldn't go to funeral because we weren't family. Hard to give comfort over the phone. Damned covid is ruining family life and friendships.
 
I had a similar experience when I lost my grandfather. I remember standing up to speak at his memorial and, like you, found myself unexpectedly emotional. It was comforting to see how much he had touched everyone’s lives, even though he had always seemed so invincible to me.
 
I had no tears for Dad when he died. My atheist sisters were so mad at me.
The tears came many months latter. like for 15 seconds, when it finally sank in that;
Me being a "Christian, Believing in Life Ever-after, and
Dad, an Atheist, not eligible for that,
I was never ever gonna see him again, unless just long enough to see him being cast into the Lake of Fire. That hurt.
Same with my atheist brothers.
Now Mum on the otherhand, prayed her life away to get me saved, and a couple of weeks after my Baptism, she just dropped dead. For me, that was a happy day, cuz her trials were over, and I'm confident that I'll see her on Judgement Day. My atheist sisters were so mad at me.
Since Mum and Dad are gone, and my two younger atheist brothers are gone, that just leaves my two younger sisters, so two more funerals for me, unless the Mrs goes first. Oh happy day.
 
I lost three car friends in the last 2 years. In each case there was an actual "celebration of life" held 3-6 months after they died. There were some tears shed, but I think they were mostly after laughing about stuff folks had done with the deceased. In 2 cases it was combined with a really nice little car show of their friends' rides. A much better alternative.
 
I lost my Oldest Son 9 Months ago No Funeral but will be leaving for Colorado this Saturday to privately spread his ashes in the Mountains. Thats the way He wanted it.
 
I hate funerals too. I get a little emotional even when I didn't really know the person (usually because I'm a pall bearer. I've been a pall bearer for at least 10 funerals now). Yes, its hard to know what to say. I like it when a week or two has passed before the funeral. It gives the family time to deal with it some. Lately I have seen some alternative options like no funeral and a celebration of life weeks or months after the passing. I kind of like that idea but the older folks still want a formal church funeral and a casket in the ground. Each to their own. No one gets out alive.
 
I had a similar experience when I lost my grandfather. I remember standing up to speak at his memorial and, like you, found myself unexpectedly emotional. It was comforting to see how much he had touched everyone’s lives, even though he had always seemed so invincible to me.

I had some support from https://cremationsdirect.co.uk/ when arranging his service. They were incredibly helpful and understanding, making the whole process a bit easier during such a difficult time. Sometimes, having that support can make a big difference when you're managing your grief and trying to honor your loved one’s memory.
 
I want to be created and my remains mailed back to Missouri.. Friends might be asked to chip in on the postage! Please send me Fed. X, the USPS will lose me! :thumbsup:
 
I want to be created and my remains mailed back to Missouri.. Friends might be asked to chip in on the postage! Please send me Fed. X, the USPS will lose me! :thumbsup:
Fed Ex will just throw you out at the mailbox at the wrong house, then your urn will roll down the hill into the creek and you'll end up right back in Texas in a few months! :eek:
 
I'm a golfer and I tell my wife to toss me in a sand trap. 'Cause I can get out of the sand! Just don't toss me in a lake. I can't get out of that...
 
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