Dealing with a negative family member…or a person who just likes to put you down

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Jeff Seighman said:
I agree, knock him on his *** and tell him you're done with his bullshit. Just because he's your brother doesn't mean he gets a free pass to be an asshole.
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This. Because he's your brother is more reason to knock his a__ out. He only does it because he knows your not going to. Does he berate other people? Probably not because he knows he might take a beating.
Or ignore him and block him from your life. Don't just take his crap.
 
you mentioned that he didn't put you down when you were talking privately but did so in the group chat. that's behavior of an underlying issue. he probably has feelings of inadequacy or esteem issues and running you down in front of other people make him feel better because he thinks belittling you empowers him.

sounds like a real dildo.

anyway, you can broach the subject to him privately and tell him that you don't like that and it hurts your feelings when he does it and you'd like it if he didn't do it any longer; and ask him if there's anything you can do to help him with his issues. and he'll probably blow you off like the fragile, mentally unstable person he is.

so that means you get to put him on blast. but you don't do that privately, you do that full tilt under the lights of the big stage. like at family dinners, or in the group chats. when he tries some sideways **** of talking you down, then you hit him with both barrels in front of everybody: bro, i know that you have feelings of inadequacy and low self esteem and the only reason you're saying these things is that you think by making me look bad it'll boost your self worth. playing the hater and running me down isn't going to fix your own issues of self doubt, lacking personality and meager confidence. but nice try, man.

or, you can kick him in the sack and tell him to knock it off.
 
calicowilly13 said:
Hi all,

Here is a thing I’ve been dealing with my whole life. I am the youngest of three brothers and my middle brother constantly craps on anything I do and has to berate me in front of anyone as much as possible. I’m a pretty laid back dude but he has always gotten to me. So, I recently got a Mopar A Body for a restoration/cruiser project. He has always considered himself the mechanic of the family, even though we have an uncle and cousin that do that for a living. We are in a group chat with my uncle and we’re talking about current things we are in to, and I posted a pic of the car I’m working on and my brother immediately talked me down and said I’m gonna learn what it takes. I’ve started projects before, just not Mopar. He called me out for this car being my first and “I’m gonna learn, tearing them down is easier than building them up” which I do agree with but didn’t like that he had to jump himself into a thread he wasn’t apart of. Me and my brother were talking about the project a few minutes before I posted the message and he didn’t say anything like that to me. Am I being a brat that I’m mad at him for talking crap? I know this is more of a working on cars thread these issues(not just car stuff) have been bugging me for years.
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Don't engage. Fix your car, one step at a time, keep it driveable. Make sure the brakes are good and work out from there. Time will tell him that he is wrong about you, if not, you do not need to include him in your life. Maybe he can or will help? If not, negative people should be ignored. Life is too short and it is your life.
 
I have found, in some 76 years on Earth, the best way to deal with anyone, is ask them a question to makes it all go your way, and do not try to tell them anything direct. Think about it and always be prepared with the questions to ask that asshole. If that does not work, bust him in the chops and THEN ask him why he thinks he had it coming!??
 
~87.5% of the population only care about themselves and they walk over the meek to get what they want. You can't change them. You need to disassociate yourself from them, before your Soul gets corrupted.
~10% are a mixed bag. Some, will go to the above group, and a few will go to the group below;
~2.5% are the kind that know how to love, and do it.

Marriage and or Family, counts for nothing; you could be one of the 2.5%, and everybody else, in the 97.5%; which is a common thing.

It's the same when it comes to religion.
The Believers are tasked with trying to recognize a 2.5 percenter mixed in among the 10 percent, and throw him a life-raft. That's all we can do.
 
calicowilly13 said:
Thanks brother. I’m been at that point with him a few times. Every time I open back up it ends up the same.
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I have a younger brother who I finally had to give him a few beatdowns. He finally learned to keep his tap shut. I don't usually resort to physical violence, but as I got older, i've gotten more patient about most things, except stupid. I still can't deal with stupid. "Ya wanna do stupid, go do it over there ---->."
 
barbee6043 said:
I have found, in some 76 years on Earth, the best way to deal with anyone, is ask them a question to makes it all go your way, and do not try to tell them anything direct. Think about it and always be prepared with the questions to ask that asshole. If that does not work, bust him in the chops and THEN ask him why he thinks he had it coming!??
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^^^^^^^
This.
A man who has a toad as his avatar is fearless. Listen to him because he is 100% on point.
 
Does your brother have a older car? If he his does race his *** and kick it. I think all of us could be of assistance. Then one day in front of everyone asked what happened.
 
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I just picked up a free book yesterday and opened right to this page, which was meant for me but I see it may be for a lot of us. "Jesus said to his critics, Your approval or disapproval means nothing to me. I know who I am and nothing you do or don't do is going to change it." I think this is a great line. Use it.
by Joel Osteen.
 
I didn't read the whole thread but by the title and first post it does sound like my life except for that i'm the middle brother, and we basically just fell away from each other over the years, but since my mom passed away 4 months ago I've been the punching bag from both ends and am blamed for everything that has ever been wrong with this family and we are basically just not talking since. My older brother has always been designated as "in charge" of affairs ever since well before Dad died in 98. Yet somehow my younger brother and his wife who is only related by marriage have invaded and taken over everything. We've been in heated arguments like we have never been in in our lives in the past 6 months, I know they're hiding things but definitely deny that, (I get that comment from both ends even though the younger one is behind most of the bs)
Just last night I saw that my mom's house was listed for sale by Zillow, and some real estate from several states away (I had to look up the area code to see where they're out of)
I think it's some kind of sell it your self online realtor. What idiots. But they walk on water....
I drove by last night after my wife showed me the posting and there's no sign in the yard, funny since the online posting i was shown claims and open house tomorrow. Nobody has contacted me in at least 6 weeks. The paint job they did on that house is hideous (every FLAT white ugh they even painted over paneling of which my other brother said not to.
My older brother and I wanted to wait til spring, when kids were getting done with school for the year, but noooo... They're in such a hurry. And I think they are quite ridiculous with their asking price which will be great if they get it but I think they shot us in the foot with their doings.... My sister in law claims every house in a few block area of Mom's place has sold in 5 days of listing. I know that not to be true.
I do know that none of what has sold has had a completely bare open unfinished 2nd story. A big wide open room the size of the first floor that's been rafters and studs since dad had the 2nd story added ...... It was supposed to be my sister's apartment when she finished college but she died before she could finish, so there went the ambition to finish what was started there ...
As for our ages Dave is 51 Doug is 66 and I'm 57 my sister Debbie would be 67 if she were still here. She died while in college in 1979 at 22. She got something called "toxic shock syndrome".
 
volaredon said:
I didn't read the whole thread but by the title and first post it does sound like my life except for that i'm the middle brother, and we basically just fell away from each other over the years, but since my mom passed away 4 months ago I've been the punching bag from both ends and am blamed for everything that has ever been wrong with this family and we are basically just not talking since. My older brother has always been designated as "in charge" of affairs ever since well before Dad died in 98. Yet somehow my younger brother and his wife who is only related by marriage have invaded and taken over everything. We've been in heated arguments like we have never been in in our lives in the past 6 months, I know they're hiding things but definitely deny that, (I get that comment from both ends even though the younger one is behind most of the bs)
Just last night I saw that my mom's house was listed for sale by Zillow, and some real estate from several states away (I had to look up the area code to see where they're out of)
I think it's some kind of sell it your self online realtor. What idiots. But they walk on water....
I drove by last night after my wife showed me the posting and there's no sign in the yard, funny since the online posting i was shown claims and open house tomorrow. Nobody has contacted me in at least 6 weeks. The paint job they did on that house is hideous (every FLAT white ugh they even painted over paneling of which my other brother said not to.
My older brother and I wanted to wait til spring, when kids were getting done with school for the year, but noooo... They're in such a hurry. And I think they are quite ridiculous with their asking price which will be great if they get it but I think they shot us in the foot with their doings.... My sister in law claims every house in a few block area of Mom's place has sold in 5 days of listing. I know that not to be true.
I do know that none of what has sold has had a completely bare open unfinished 2nd story. A big wide open room the size of the first floor that's been rafters and studs since dad had the 2nd story added ...... It was supposed to be my sister's apartment when she finished college but she died before she could finish, so there went the ambition to finish what was started there ...
As for our ages Dave is 51 Doug is 66 and I'm 57 my sister Debbie would be 67 if she were still here. She died while in college in 1979 at 22. She got something called "toxic shock syndrome".
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Family members deaths and how and who “ takes charge “ can be interesting. My oldest sister got it setup before the death of my grandmother and my mother before they passed. She took over the last years of their life and then handed the estate's. Twenty five years later she still bitchs that no one helped her and it was so much work when not once would she allow anyone to get involved. The need for absolute control was so high she pushed everyone away then bitched about no help.. I can do nothing but shake my head.
 
Well, I will start by saying that you are definitely not alone in your situation, as clearly shown in many of the above posts.
I am the youngest in my family, have one sister, one brother, and one asshole brother.
For most of my life I have had a reasonably good relationship with the asshole brother until about 10 years ago when my wife and I moved away to be closer to my mother who is now 91 years old.
We have not had any contact for 7 or 8 years now and I believe it is because he feels that I'm trying to take control of her life. Nothing could be further from the truth, she is still very independent, lives in her own home and remains extremely active in the community.
I rarely have any contact with my sister, she blames my mother for every single thing that has gone wrong in her life and is a very negative person. I don't need that in my life, have enough problems of my own.
Do what makes you happy, because it will piss off your asshole brother, and live your life for you.
 
The crazy part is if everyone involved my wife and I are the only ones that actually have jobs that we have been at for 26 and 12 years respectively, full time 40 hours a week steady, and it seems they hold that against us? That we actually work? That's something I don't get.
I mean my older brother i can give a pass to, he retired after 37 years in public service and has a decent retirement but that's not excuse for the ones that took charge who in my opinion had no place to do so ..

And no, none of the problems are with who gets/got what out of the house .. my little brother and his wife are so quick to get a dumpster before my mom was even gone. They don't want anything and we're practically begging my son and I who have the trucks and trailer in the family to please haul things away and we couldn't move fast enough for their liking.....just to hurry up and get the house onto market haphazardly.
I don't like good stuff being just thrown away of its something I don't need/can't use/have 3 of already, whether I sell it or give it away it is so much better than throwing it in a dumpster. They could have told me beforehand they were gonna do this, rather than ***** at "how many hours" they have into filling that dumpster .. I agree there's a lot of stuff that that was the best place for... But what they think belongs there and what I think belongs there wasn't the same.
I watched the same thing happening across the street from me, 2 sisters that don't even live around anymore ordered a dumpster and got some church group to come over and start tossing with no room for input from their sister that still lives with and actually took care of their partners.... Nobody wants to talk anymore just "do" with no regard for anyone else that should be involved. Those that have their own personal "agenda" everyone else be Damned.
 
You don’t his BS in your life. Build your car and post a lot here. There’s a good group of guys here and always willing to help and give advice.

I have an older brother that has always tried to control me. Not sure why other than I have always been more successful than him and managed my $$ better. I think he was jealous and treated me accordingly. He flipped out on me over my parent’s estate over a little of nothing and haven’t heard from him in over 2 years. My life is much more peaceful. He didn’t even go to my dad’s funeral-who does that??? He told my sister he was gonna get a restraining order against me because he didn’t like what I said to him! LOL. I told her I should have beat his *** when he was standing in front of me! And I am not a violent person!!

Bottom line is this: if I were you, I’d distance myself from him and enjoy your life! If he shows up at your house, tell him to leave. It’s not easy but HE is the problem, not you.
 
Relatives! Ha I am an only child and when my mother passed, aunts, uncles and even a cousin or too, was critical of me and it was non of their friggin business anyway!!!

We will have to listen to our Maker when the time comes, otherwise.....
 
calicowilly13 said:
Hi all,

Here is a thing I’ve been dealing with my whole life. I am the youngest of three brothers and my middle brother constantly craps on anything I do and has to berate me in front of anyone as much as possible. I’m a pretty laid back dude but he has always gotten to me. So, I recently got a Mopar A Body for a restoration/cruiser project. He has always considered himself the mechanic of the family, even though we have an uncle and cousin that do that for a living. We are in a group chat with my uncle and we’re talking about current things we are in to, and I posted a pic of the car I’m working on and my brother immediately talked me down and said I’m gonna learn what it takes. I’ve started projects before, just not Mopar. He called me out for this car being my first and “I’m gonna learn, tearing them down is easier than building them up” which I do agree with but didn’t like that he had to jump himself into a thread he wasn’t apart of. Me and my brother were talking about the project a few minutes before I posted the message and he didn’t say anything like that to me. Am I being a brat that I’m mad at him for talking crap? I know this is more of a working on cars thread these issues(not just car stuff) have been bugging me for years.
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But all to your other brothers as well as uncles (and aunts if need be) on how you feel and ask for moral and verbal support when everyone can confront him together. I bet he acts very different after a short time in front of everyone.

The key here is for everyone to have your back and shut him up on abusive speech and wording. Ether STFU or actually help in a kind and passionate way. If you can not kindly help, the. Your really not helping even though you think in your helping.

When he gets loud, you speak softer and softer with asking him wheat do you think of that statement? It’ll will calm him down. Open his ears up to listening instead of escalating. Also be prepared to make your point with facts of how he made you feel. It’s not a right or wrong on his or your behalf but the fact of communication and teaching effectively is done calmly without insulting and with a loving spirit of teaching.

I’ve learned this on the job when I was teaching in the field and the wife learned this while working in maximum security jails where the worst of the worst are.

Also remind him that no one knows everything as well as know one knows much of anything when they start. Remind him he knew nothing at one point and still doesn’t know everything dispite his years in the field.

Learn with books on the subject and if possible, an experienced buddy willing to hangout and wrench with you as you learn from him. If your buddy is willing to teach a bit, you’ll have a winning combo.

Come here for advice with the guys that have been there and done that work before. That’s the good of this place.
 
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