Don't do this to your children

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I did try to stay with her in her home and to say it was difficult, is a understatement .. we did have ( provided by state ) 3 years of weekly visits from nurses ,
she drove her car until she crashed into a building downtown tried to take her keys away , ( last year at 93 )she had a screaming fit .. called local mechanic who made her another set of keys ..
 
There is no easy answer. My wife & I have had to deal with similar situations with both of our parents. Every situation is different though. Find things that are of value to you or other family members & send the rest to the curb. Believe me, I know it is difficult. Any furniture can be donated to Habitat or various shelters for others who are less fortunate. Just my thoughts & opinions.
 
My wife ended up with "the junk" from when her mother passed. She said her sisters took what they wanted and unloaded the crap on her. it is still in our basement and I keep reminding her to "go through it"...
 
Luckily we were able to get her in a home close .. that's not up to you, she could of been placed anywhere in the state .. when she kept sneaking out, they about told us to send her somewhere else ..

It is not easy dealing with this for those that think .. heck just plop her in your house until she dies .. does not work like that, trust me ,
 
Big Dad said:
My mother is too old to care for herself any longer @ 94 she is healthy but, her mind is not .

My step dad passed away in 2012 and after he was gone, she really loaded the house up with things that to her are important, glassware, figurines and countless other items that have no value to anyone but her .. I've loaded 8 pickup loads so far to friends that wanted some of the stuff , hardly a dent in it .. I would easily guesstimate another 20 loads .

Giving stuff away is not as easy as one would think , we need to clear the house so it can be sold to pay for her nursing home..

everyone that comes in just says, wow, over and over ..

what a massive waste of money
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I'm in the boat not far behind you with my mom and her dementia. Just the idea kills me.
 
I've had several people go thru the house and take things they want, its a process .. yesterday , cousin ( Moms nephew ) meet me at 1 pm , showed up at 2:30 , stumbled around the house for 2 hours .. he did take some stuff which I'm grateful for but.. its hard to deal with
 
Went through this last year with my mom's estate after she passed in May. My mother did not have a hoarding issue, it was just 93 years of living. It seemed that it took forever, then filled a large dumpster so that the house could be sold as is. Now it's my girlfriends mother, she had a stroke at 91 and is half paralyzed. Nursing home is $12,000 a month. We live 350 miles away.
Her mom saved everything, and I mean everything, right down to boxes and paper.
You can hardly get into the house. My girlfriend complains about this, guess who is just like her mother, but she doesn't see it in herself. I am trying to put my foot down, at age 72, I don't need anything that I don't already have!
 
Shortly after my father passed my mother had a few falls and my brother chose to move her in with him. They found a caregiver that would help her get ready each day and sit with her, take her to appointments, lunch, etc. That was just while my brother and his wife were at work, the evenings and weekends were on them. Later it got more difficult and I would need to help my brother get her to bed. The caregivers rate wasn't that bad, far cheaper than a home, my mothers income was about neutral with her expenses. Having someone there to socialize was a major help.

I personally will be looking at options for myself as I have no children and don't want to burden my brothers or their families. We all lead different lives and there have been no patterns in my family, I just want to understand what the options are and have a plan.


Alan
 
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YY1 said:
90% of my stuff is not "knick-knacks".

It has a real value and a good value if a moderate amount of research is done.

My heirs have been advised to take some time and look stuff up, but to to take a realistic price rather than top dollar (even 50% of what they find, for a quick sale).

In reality, they could scrap all my car and shop stuff and get 10-20K, but if they spent a few hours per week, they'd likely get close to 75K or more.

They could sell my music and audio stuff for about 5K to a wholesaler, or spend a few hours per week and get closer to 30K.

Same with my other hobby stuff.

They are smart enough to know which works best for them.

They'll get the house and it will be paid off so that will be a plus.
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I think the point you're missing is nobody wants to go through anyone else's ****. My parents are getting up there and I told them I want them to die penniless and with zero possessions.... spend it all and enjoy life. I want nothing from them.
 
The OP said "don't do this..."

I was explaining why I don't believe I have, and what help I'm attempting to give to my heirs before they are left to deal with it.

I don't believe I missed any point.
 
We went through this 4 years ago and it was a massive headache and time sink trying to give stuff away. Posting online in CL and Offerup "free" was a headache because all the hoarders wanted you to hold stuff for them etc.. and family took their sweet *** time getting what they wanted. I tried the swap meet and that was a waste of time. The only solution that worked a little bit was meeting a guy who had a shop in Tijuana and was willing to take a lot of stuff for his store. If you find a second hand store maybe the owner would be willing to take some bulk. They are usually hoarders themselves and can't pass up free stuff.

My mother in law grew up dirt poor in the Philippines so she could not throw anything away and became a hoarder here in the States. After the FIL passed and we were stuck with her it took us months to get all of the trash out of her home to renovate and sell. The whole time she fought us for every scrap of broken junk. I finally got an industrial dumpster delivered and filled it twice. I would still catch her digging stuff out of it and pleading to keep it. It is a real mental disorder.

She has been living with us for 4 years now and half of the garage is piles of her crap. She still squirrels away junk and we have to purge it every few months.

Taking an elderly parent in is a huge commitment. A lot of people think you post them up in front of the tv and water them like a house plant. When you factor in all the driving to and waiting at Dr. Appointments and pharmacies, explaining things they don't understand, making meals, organizing their bills, etc. it becomes a part/full time job on top of your regular life and responsibilities. When they get sick or have a fall it is around the clock care. I takes a lot of mental and emotional energy to balance being respectful while also being firm and taking charge. It also builds a lot of resentment towards siblings who live their best lives while you put yours on hold for their parent. I don't regret taking her in but there are days...............

I'm glad you found her a place nearby. I have some friends that took on elderly parents with dementia and it was an enormous ordeal that really requires professional care.
 
Some of that looks like the back stock room at a store. No offense.
 
Mine brought home a huge CRT TV once that someone gave her. I said "we donlt need this, why did you bring this thing here...?" It was free...ok. anyway i go to lift it because it was sitting outside she couldnlt drag it in the house, the thing was heavy and nowhere to grab it. I get it in and half way up the steps to the second floor and the whole plastic housing to it just shattered, I was like "problem solved..." I figured someone dropped it at some point.
 
Big Dad said:
She can't be left alone , she has wandered off from the nursing home couple times already , one night it was cold out and found her 3 blocks away in someone's car in just her night clothes .. like leaving toddler in your house
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It is tougher to care for someone than one thinks. Add medical needs that are beyond your skillset? And professional setting is really the only solution.

The topic I believe is more on the subject of "hording?" Its not always like what the TV shows depict as dirty insane collection of everything. TV is banking on extreme cases for shock value. I've even read where it's inherent to human nature that as we age. The fear losing one's legacy (for lack of a better word) becomes more apparent as end life approaches. And one's measure of "Legacy" is material items. Another words? It may very well be natural behavior.

I wish I knew of a magical solution. And this condition does appear to be a little more prevalent in woman than men. (But certainly not exclusive.)
 
My parents don't have a lot of stuff, but they do have a large house full of furniture that, with the exception of a VERY nice dining room table (that I really don't have room for unless I turn our family room into a dining room) there isn't anything I want. There's a chance my brother will want the bedroom furniture (very nice modular stuff from the early 1960s) or we'll sell it. The big job will be selling their three rental houses and personal house. Dad is getting close to needing a home, or so we think (that's a very long story) and mom might live to 100 (at which point I'll be 76). Right now we're dealing with personal issues there that have no positive outcome...

On the other hand my sons want me to get the pile of spare parts down to something more manageable before I go. Fortunately, they want the cars. Unfortunately, neither currently has the room to park one inside...
 
YY1 said:
The OP said "don't do this..."

I was explaining why I don't believe I have, and what help I'm attempting to give to my heirs before they are left to deal with it.

I don't believe I missed any point.
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The point is what might seem valuable to you, isn't valuable to anyone else. Hence them throwing it all in a dumpster when you croak along with the time it takes to sift through it all and deal with it when they have lives of their own.

My uncle is a certified hoarder... he knows it and actually jokes about his daughter crying and saying "but this was Dad's favorite pile of ****"
 
Yeah , i talked to mother over and over ..she said , I'll just let you kids fight over it like its treasure ..
 
Big Dad said:
Luckily we were able to get her in a home close .. that's not up to you, she could of been placed anywhere in the state .. when she kept sneaking out, they about told us to send her somewhere else ..

It is not easy dealing with this for those that think .. heck just plop her in your house until she dies .. does not work like that, trust me ,
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Did for my both my grandparents. Had my grandfather live with me for a year then at my uncle's for another year till he passed away @83yrs old. He would always get into sugar, peanutbutter ice cream, ketchup...anything...lol it was funny. My other grandpa stayed home till his last 3 or 5 days in the hospital with pneumonia and one lung. Everyone's different.
My grandmother is 92 this year and still at home
 
67Dart440GT said:
The point is ...
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I get the point.

My point is to educate your heirs as to what may be valuable and what likely isn't.
(with a realistic attitude)

Toss my 1980's to present concert stubs, but you'll probably kick yourself if you set my 1968 Fender Twin Reverb, or 1973 Dark Side Of The Moon vinyl out by the curb.
 
About 5 years ago i suggested to my mom to start purging. Give away or sell whats not important. She did very well.
89 years old in may, and in hospital after a fall. Waiting for personal care now. Dimentia is taking hold now. I agree its not easy. Worst part is, one sibling has some effed up agenda and is causing problems. Mom had the sense 5 years ago to re-assign the power of attourney and executor. Sadly, its me and my wife left to deal with this. Top of the list is to make sure mom is comfortable.
 
To tell you the truth it's not really that bad. Bags of old clothes can be donated so can everything else.
I would be totally embarrassed to show you pictures of my mothers house. She has paths thru the house with stuff stacked on both sides waist high. Her kitchen table has junk mail stacked a foot high completely covering it and 40 plus old medication bottles that are over 20 years old on the kitchen countertop.
I have tried to help her clean up her house but she's having nothing to do with that. I'm the only child now that my sister passed away and I really don't know what to do. It's a train wreck coming at me in slow motion and there's not a dam think I can do about it.
 
I an tell you all from experience, as your parents age, ask them the RIGHT questions, as they can easily have dementia and you never know it. Sad.
 
I known a couple of older people who did the crazy buying spree and filled there homes with junk. Both grew up in the depression living life on just enough and saving the rest. Then one goes usually the man the other seams to try to get everything that was desired over there lifetime.
Your lucky there wasn't a dozen cats in the house.
 
I blame it on the thrift stores(it's like stealing from the unstable), give it back to them so they can sell it to another elderly person.

My fathers house right next door to my oldest sister. She would drop him off at the thrift store while she went shopping.

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Dartswinger70 said:
I even had two Mopars at one time,but....
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Only 2?!?! Amateur!


MOPAROFFICIAL said:
Move her in with you. At 92 a rest home is a waste and like hiring a dog sitter for your dogs last days.
... shes almost gone and you wont care for her...?

If you have kids...maybe let that house be their starter home. Things are tough and the kids could all use a little help securing their future.
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I 100% agree with you. It’s sad what our “modern” society has done to the family.
 
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