My Luck

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At the Olympics I saw an athlete carrying a long stick and asked him: "Are you a pole vaulter?"He replied: "No I'm German but how do you know my name is Walter?"
 
John O’Reilly’s Winning Toast

John O’Reilly raised his beer at the pub and proudly declared, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life… between the legs of me wife!”

The pub erupted in laughter, and John took home the prize for the best toast of the night.

That evening, he strutted through the front door and told his wife, Mary, “Guess what, love? I won the prize for the best toast at the pub!”

“Oh, did ye now?” Mary said. “And what exactly was this fine toast of yours?”

Thinking quickly, John smiled and said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life… sitting in church beside me wife.”

Mary beamed. “Ah, John, that’s a lovely sentiment!”

The next day, Mary bumped into one of John’s drinking buddies on the street corner. With a cheeky grin, the man said, “Mary, you should’ve heard John’s toast at the pub the other night—it was about you!”

“Aye, I know,” Mary said, “and I’ll admit, I was surprised. After all, he’s only been in there twice in the last four years—once when I dragged him by the ears, and the other time when he fell asleep!”
 
A guy moves into a new apartment in New York and heads to the lobby to put his name on the mailbox.

As he’s doing so, a stunning young woman steps out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing nothing but a robe.

She flashes him a warm smile and strikes up a conversation. As they chat, her robe slowly slips open, revealing that she’s wearing absolutely nothing underneath.

The poor guy starts sweating bullets, struggling to keep eye contact.

After a few minutes, she gently places a hand on his arm and whispers, “Let’s go inside—I hear someone coming…”

Without hesitation, he follows her into the apartment. She closes the door, leans against it, and with a sultry look, lets the robe fall completely open.

“Tell me,” she purrs, “what would you say is my best feature?”

The guy, now a nervous wreck, stammers, clears his throat, and finally blurts out, “Uh… your ears!”

She looks absolutely baffled. “My ears?! Look at these boobs—perky, natural, no sag! My butt? Firm, flawless, zero cellulite! My skin? Perfect, no blemishes! Out of everything, WHY would you say my ears?!”

Still flustered, he clears his throat again and mutters, “Because… when you said you heard someone coming… that was me.”
 
A young blonde bride calls her mother, sobbing uncontrollably.

"Mom, Robert doesn’t appreciate anything I do for him!"

Her mother tries to soothe her. "Now, sweetheart, I’m sure it’s just a misunderstanding."

"No, Mom, you don’t get it! I bought a frozen turkey roll, and he completely lost it over the price!"

Her mother scoffs. "That cheapskate! Those turkey rolls only cost a few bucks!"

"No, Mom, it wasn’t the price of the turkey… it was the airplane ticket."

"Airplane ticket? Why on earth did you need a plane ticket?"

"Well, the instructions said, ‘Prepare from a frozen state’… so I flew to Alaska!"
 
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