Sibling issues

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Valiant63

Valiant63

Early A-body Valiants
Joined
Dec 29, 2007
Messages
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Location
eastern, PA and central Florida
I don't often post much of anything here but I am feeling way overwhelmed lately and just need to get it out. Very few of you know me or have ever had any dealings with me, but I am close to 50, been paralyzed from the waist down for most of my life and been married twice and divorced twice and now reside in PA with a dear friend and my mother , who is bed-bound, lives with me.
I have only lived in PA for the past 3 years since my last divorce, but have lived here once before for 4 years. I moved away before because my wife, at the time, was originally from Florida and wanted to go back because elf the sometimes severe winters up here. Also, and this is the more important part, my siblings and I don't seem to get along for the most part. My brother is often using me and taking advantage of me doing things for him and borrowing money and not ever paying it back and my sister; for whom I have been cutting grass, repairing her mowers, and doing general upkeep on her house for the last 3 years since her husband left; thinks that I have been mistreating her, stealing from her and she doesn't wish to help take care of our mother anymore.
I can't do this on my own, and for the most part, I don't see the need to stay up here in PA if my siblings don't like me and won't help me out with things. Both of them want my mom to go into a nursing home because she has around the clock care and someone there at a moments notice when she needs something. Maybe they are correct, as I am not always available for mom and neither are my siblings.
I just don't know what I want to do. Should I stay here in cold PA to be around family that doesn't seem to appreciate me, or should I move back to Florida, where I lived for 8 years, and start over with new friends and make my own family there where I don't have to shovel snow and pay high property taxes? I am leaning towards going back to Florida, maybe near Daytona. I'd like to be near a drag strip again and I'd like to be around car shows that happen almost year round. YOur thoughts or input? Thanks
 
Personally, I think you might have answered your own question.
 
I can see getting some distance from your siblings.....but are you okay with getting distance from your Mom, a few states over? I think that's the only question here.
 
My sister is three years my senior. She was a very mean bully when we were kids. Always bigger than me........till about 8. Probably over the top I am sure, but I choked her once, just because I knew I could and she couldn't do **** about it. I didn't let go until I could see the veins in her eyes turning bright red and her face was turning grey. After I let her go, I told her if she ever gave me a hard time EVER again in our lives about anything, that I would finish the job. To this very day, we get along quite well. Although I am sure a physical response is probably not necessary, sometimes intimidation actually works. It did for me, and has numerous times since. Although not with my sister or any other woman. I try not to be that way. I am already kinda imposing as it is. But sometimes people give you no other alternative.
 
My son had the idea of getting away, so he accepted a transfer to New Mexico. He then realized that having family around isn't so bad. He's now back in Florida.
It's a morning's drive for us, and his sister lives on the other side of town, and he also has a cousin in town. He's much happier.
 
Plain and simple...follow your heart and do what you feel is right for you and screw everybody else.My family is mad as hell I moved to Arizona and left them all in Colorado.
 
I agree with Back in Time. You have to follow your heart and what is best for you. I also understand that your mom is very important to you and you want to take care of her. Now I dont know the specifics of what is wrong with your mom, and I dont expect you to tell them to a bunch of guys you dont know. I was just thinking, have you ever looked into maybe having your mom move to Florida with you? I dont know if this is possible, financially, health wise, and many other reasons. Its only a thought, I wish you the very best and I hope this works out for you!
 
I hope that you will find peace in your heart and be able to strike a balance during the time your mother still needs you! You can distance yourself from your siblings and not make yourself available,'but I think the time spent near your mother will give you some peace!

Maybe the best place for your Mom is with round the clock care somewhere,'and that if you decide to go that route,'it may provide some relief between you and your siblings! Spending time with your Mom at an assisted living center can be a lot of fun!! My wife works at "Country Manor", and I love to stop in and chat with the ladies!! They're a hoot, and they love it when I play some old Bill Monroe or Johnny Cash on the guitar!!

Whatever you decide, try to think it through completely to make sure you are making an informed decision that is best for everyone, and especially YOU!!

You got friends here too bro, just know that!! Geof
 
Yes. I may have answered my own question. I think I am in for a move back to Florida as soon as mom is in a safe place up here once again. I may not be able to visit here regularly or make her breakfast, lunch or supper; and she will NOT go to Florida; but I can call. Yes, Prayers will be greatly appreciated and I appreciated the comments from you all. When I lived in Florida, there was an open invitation for any of my family to come and visit, and I never saw them. I even offered my car to them, that they both wanted, instead of me selling it if they'd come and get it or pay for a flight back to Florida if I drove it up there. Didn't happen. I just need to tie up lose ends here and prepare to make a major move again. I am not going to take much with me, but I will hate leaving cars behind. I will hate selling them, too. (sighs)
 
Valiant63 said:
Yes. I may have answered my own question. I think I am in for a move back to Florida as soon as mom is in a safe place up here once again. I may not be able to visit here regularly or make her breakfast, lunch or supper; and she will NOT go to Florida; but I can call. Yes, Prayers will be greatly appreciated and I appreciated the comments from you all. When I lived in Florida, there was an open invitation for any of my family to come and visit, and I never saw them. I even offered my car to them, that they both wanted, instead of me selling it if they'd come and get it or pay for a flight back to Florida if I drove it up there. Didn't happen. I just need to tie up lose ends here and prepare to make a major move again. I am not going to take much with me, but I will hate leaving cars behind. I will hate selling them, too. (sighs)
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Thats sucks, my take is that family is the people who love you that you surround yourself with. It doesnt have to be blood relatives. In fact sometimes they can be the worst. It sucks that sometimes you get treated better by a total stranger. Your life is yours to live, and nobody elses, i say do what is going to make you happy. Im sure once you leave PA for FLA, over time your relatives will miss you. If for nothing else the fact that you were a big help to them. My other suggestion would be to only talk with those of your family that are decent to you, and cut off the rest. Life is too short to deal with that kind of BS.

Hope this helps
Matt
 
I have family members that only give a **** if I'm doing something for them, so now they don't give a **** much at all. :)

Just because they are blood doesn't mean you have to give your life to make them happy.
 
RustyRatRod said:
Probably over the top I am sure, but I choked her once, just because I knew I could and she couldn't do **** about it. I didn't let go until I could see the veins in her eyes turning bright red and her face was turning grey. After I let her go, I told her if she ever gave me a hard time EVER again in our lives about anything, that I would finish the job
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This is exactly what I do whenever I meet someone for the first time. It sorta lets everyone know where we stand. Works for me.
 
grassy said:
X2 ..... surround yourself with positive people...it works..
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Yes and I can relate a little to your problems Valiant. I looked after my Dad for seven years and couldn't really do anything else but it wasn't bad because my dad and I always got along great. On the other hand same as you it's my siblings I have the problems with. The longer breaks I have away from them the better I feel about myself.
 
Hi Its Steve, You stopped in here before. One thing I can tell you is this. My dad told me a long time ago that friends will come and go, But family is forever. I lived by that and I am glad I did.

Stick together as a family you will need each other as you grow in life and get closer to death. Just some advise that always kept me where I am. I have had many opportunities and tragedies here . Also family members that dislike each other . I held fast to my roots and I am glad I did.
 
Oldmanmopar said:
Hi Its Steve, You stopped in here before. One thing I can tell you is this. My dad told me a long time ago that friends will come and go, But family is forever. I lived by that and I am glad I did.

Stick together as a family you will need each other as you grow in life and get closer to death. Just some advise that always kept me where I am. I have had many opportunities and tragedies here . Also family members that dislike each other . I held fast to my roots and I am glad I did.
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In a perfect world that's a nice way to be, but sometimes it's like dogs**t on your shoe, and life isn't going to get any better till ya clean it off.

My Dad used to say that also (family is forever) but he always used to ***** at me for not getting into one job and staying there for 25-30 years so I could retire with a pension too.
Instead I learned different jobs (Equipment operator, mechanic, trans builder, computer tech, carpentry, concrete and so on) and he changed his mind about that after he saw so many people getting layed off after 18 years on the job and not knowing anything else.
I also have a Brother that is a lowlife, lying, theifing, POS that spent 27 years of his life in prison and didn't learn a damn thing from it, so do you suggest I keep that in my life just because my Mother gave birth to him?
I don't think so.
Take out the trash and it won't stink forever is my motto.
 
Oldmanmopar said:
Hi Its Steve, You stopped in here before. One thing I can tell you is this. My dad told me a long time ago that friends will come and go, But family is forever. I lived by that and I am glad I did.

Stick together as a family you will need each other as you grow in life and get closer to death. Just some advise that always kept me where I am. I have had many opportunities and tragedies here . Also family members that dislike each other . I held fast to my roots and I am glad I did.
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TrailBeast said:
In a perfect world that's a nice way to be, but sometimes it's like dogs**t on your shoe, and life isn't going to get any better till ya clean it off.

My Dad used to say that also (family is forever) but he always used to ***** at me for not getting into one job and staying there for 25-30 years so I could retire with a pension too.
Instead I learned different jobs (Equipment operator, mechanic, trans builder, computer tech, carpentry, concrete and so on) and he changed his mind about that after he saw so many people getting layed off after 18 years on the job and not knowing anything else.
I also have a Brother that is a lowlife, lying, theifing, POS that spent 27 years of his life in prison and didn't learn a damn thing from it, so do you suggest I keep that in my life just because my Mother gave birth to him?
I don't think so.
Take out the trash and it won't stink forever is my motto.
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Two different perspectives on a situation like this always makes for good reading.

I'm part of a family who's tight knit. Well, my immediate family. Anyone who becomes part of the family is accepted as family. My mother has accepted both my brother-in-laws and Sarah with them as if she gave birth to 'em. When she was in full faculty, she'd move Heaven and Earth to make sure he "babies" were alright. I never realized how much Pop cared about Sarah until last year. Every phone call I'd make to him to update Sarah's condition was like a kick in the head to him if the news was bad and made his day if the news was good. She was his baby, too.

I can't imagine life without my family.

At the same time, I understand the other side of it, too. In '74 my dad got sick and tired of family and family's attitudes that he packed up his wife and four kids and brought us from Florida to New York.

My visit back to Florida last year made me glad he did.

I have a close friend who calls me "Bub" and I call her "Sis." She's part of every family function. As she says, "sometimes the family you chose is better than the family you're born into."
 
ramenth said:
Two different perspectives on a situation like this always makes for good reading.

I'm part of a family who's tight knit. Well, my immediate family. Anyone who becomes part of the family is accepted as family. My mother has accepted both my brother-in-laws and Sarah with them as if she gave birth to 'em. When she was in full faculty, she'd move Heaven and Earth to make sure he "babies" were alright. I never realized how much Pop cared about Sarah until last year. Every phone call I'd make to him to update Sarah's condition was like a kick in the head to him if the news was bad and made his day if the news was good. She was his baby, too.

I can't imagine life without my family.

At the same time, I understand the other side of it, too. In '74 my dad got sick and tired of family and family's attitudes that he packed up his wife and four kids and brought us from Florida to New York.

My visit back to Florida last year made me glad he did.

I have a close friend who calls me "Bub" and I call her "Sis." She's part of every family function. As she says, "sometimes the family you chose is better than the family you're born into."
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My family is the same way for the most part, and always has been.
My wife's family would probably eat each other if they were something other than human.

I have always told my kids that life is like a huge ladder that you will be climbing till the day you die.
There will be other people on that same ladder doing the same and you have to try to share it with them.
Some ahead of you will try to help you up the ladder, and some will try to kick you in the face just for being there so close to where they are.
Some behind you on the ladder will help you and push you up so they can also get further.
Some will grab your ankles and try to pull you down just because they can.
You can help some, but don't try to carry too much by yourself or neither of you will make it.

Help the ones that want to climb it with you, but don't carry the ones that don't help you help them.
Kick the ones loose that pull on your ankles and try to make you and everyone you choose to help fall.

This applies to friends and family alike.
 
I say this because of my health at this time. I know how I feel and keep it to myself. My wife and kids will need each other including other relatives when the heart spins a bearing. and I lose oil pressure.

I watched a car take my dads life. Without me my mom and sisters would not have had a man to help them. This is the only reason I said what I did. I was thinking of their lives and my wife and kids when I am gone. Not being selfish for myself I feel we should stick together.

The world is not getting better. I feel they will need each other to survive in the future. One place paid for. One place to live.It'sjJust that I started with nothing and never did hit the lottery. My prayers go out to my family no matter what they did to me. I lived it so I know what it is like to be alone with no adviser looking out for me.

When it comes down to it if your family shows no love from memories of the past . You don't have a family. You have friends and they come and go.
Steve
 
If it works out where something happens to you and they do help each other, and are there for each other then that's fantastic and I would be very happy about it for you and them too.

A lot of people's lives are not like that though, and a lot of people would stay in a crappy abusive situation only because of family.
I think Valiant63 should pack up his **** and go somewhere he want's to be, and let the people making his life suck fend for themselves.
 
This week, we have a meeting with mom's doctor, whom, from what I assume, will tell us that he wants mom to go into a nursing home if he is to continue treating her. Mom is happy and healthy (as much as she can be) at home even though she can't walk. Until I can't take care of her anymore with help I receive, I don't wish for her to go beck into a nursing home. If it has to be, it has to be, but I don't see myself staying around here for more than a few years, enough time for the house to sell and to tie up loose ends.
I don't wish to keep arguing with family and having them constantly bombard me with their problems. Unless they accept me without me constantly helping them, I don't see me hanging in a bad family relationship anymore than I would hang in a bad marriage. I have a wonderful lady friend with whom I went to high school with many years ago, and she wants to go to Florida as well. I used to live there for almost 8 years, and I don't mind going back. My siblings never once visited me when I was there before. I don't expect that to change. I have some car guy friends in Florida and several other classmates. I don't make rash decisions and I am not moving anytime soon, but if things continue on as they are with my sister not talking with me and getting into my business to undermine things; and my brother with his controlling ways and lack of family involvement; I might as well just take care of myself and my gal.
 
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