Dealing with a negative family member…or a person who just likes to put you down

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rumblefish360 said:
But all to your other brothers as well as uncles (and aunts if need be) on how you feel and ask for moral and verbal support when everyone can confront him together. I bet he acts very different after a short time in front of everyone.

The key here is for everyone to have your back and shut him up on abusive speech and wording. Ether STFU or actually help in a kind and passionate way. If you can not kindly help, the. Your really not helping even though you think in your helping.

When he gets loud, you speak softer and softer with asking him wheat do you think of that statement? It’ll will calm him down. Open his ears up to listening instead of escalating. Also be prepared to make your point with facts of how he made you feel. It’s not a right or wrong on his or your behalf but the fact of communication and teaching effectively is done calmly without insulting and with a loving spirit of teaching.

I’ve learned this on the job when I was teaching in the field and the wife learned this while working in maximum security jails where the worst of the worst are.

Also remind him that no one knows everything as well as know one knows much of anything when they start. Remind him he knew nothing at one point and still doesn’t know everything dispite his years in the field.

Learn with books on the subject and if possible, an experienced buddy willing to hangout and wrench with you as you learn from him. If your buddy is willing to teach a bit, you’ll have a winning combo.

Come here for advice with the guys that have been there and done that work before. That’s the good of this place.
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Thanks for the advice rumblefish. I will give this a try.
 
LO23M8B said:
Does your brother have a older car? If he his does race his *** and kick it. I think all of us could be of assistance. Then one day in front of everyone asked what happened.
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He has had several projects, currently an 83 S10. I also have had several, but since we only have talked sparingly over the years until he decided to reach back out to family on a more regular basis, this is the first vehicle he has known about.
 
calicowilly13 said:
Thanks for the advice rumblefish. I will give this a try.
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Best of luck. People, siblings even more so, that speak and act like this are the most difficult people in the world. The rude open ended put down comments are designed to make you feel like a lesser person and stupid as well as many other things like, “Your not up to (nor will you ever be) up to task for that kind of hard ****.

The truth of the matter is, it’s easier to tear them apart and harder to out the them back together again.

Start a thread on what you’re working on and what you want from the project. Example, ‘69 Dart, small block to big block conversion, want to do a 500’ stroker that is street strip with the ability to run low 11’s high 10’s.

From there, it can be divided up into what needs to be done first and then each section, motor trans rear suspension body and paint can be talked about separately & effectively.

Here at FABO, if someone has t already done it, (fat chance) then it can be talked about. If it has already been done, like someone has built a 500” engine, they can guide you.

In the racers section, there is a thread on what it takes to run a certain ET and how the poster did it combo wise. It’s not a copy cat thing to copy someone else build but it certainly is flattering when someone does. So don’t be afraid to copy someone and flatter them.

There really isn’t anything that new under the sun that you have to do and try to be different. Just running a Mopar is different.

Leslie, when you’re done, you could probably display and drive it around, saying I did it. No matter what your sibling says, don’t give him any validations with arguments or explanations other than, I wanted to do it this way this is what I want I don’t care what’s better I don’t care what you think. Because for some people. No matter what you say there’s always something to say, and I feel that this is the problem with your sibling.

You could build an award winning totally ***** in Car and Hill still disrespected and yourself. Pay no mind, your car your way, enjoy the heck out of it! You’re not gonna get any grief from me and that’s for sure!

Glad to hear it for a bodies only. I’m glad you joined the club, stick around! Get cheered on. And build that bad boy! We got your back here.
 
JDMopar said:
@calicowilly13 Just curious as to how old you and your brothers are? Does he try to pull the same crap on your oldest brother too, or just you?
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We are all in our 40s. It’s mostly the middle ragging on me…been that way our whole lives. Oldest usually did his own thing. We were all in the military but led different paths until probably the last 4 years or so. I left the military well before them and they are now either retired(oldest) or about to retire(middle) so they are going back to wanting “family”. Or just nervous that their lives are changing.
 
Not necessarily. My dad had and then passed to my brother, a 76 feather duster /6 3 speed manual brakes (4 wheel 9" drums) manual steering. I remember I used to have a get book of all the service bulletins from 1976 and there was something about 76 model year cars built after 1/1/76 being govt mandated to have front disc brakes and up to then could still have front drums. And this one did.
 
LO23M8B said:
Cool an A body. Slant 6 or 318?
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Slant. I’m currently working on pulling the engine and getting it over to the machine shop to make sure it’s useable. I bought it from a buddy and he parked it in 2011 due to severe overheating, but drove it occasionally if needed before then. Here is a link to the convo we had about his time with it.



I’ve been doing a video doc about it, but need to work on editing the third installment.
 
I want to thank everyone for the likes, similar stories, and words of encouragement. It’s been nice to be able to get this off of my chest and discuss it with everyone.
 
Thanks...I asked your ages because I wondered maybe if you were much younger, teens maybe and he hadn't had time to outgrow crap like that. You've gotten a lot of good advice here, so hopefully some of it will help you deal with him. You may just have to sit him down and have a heart to heart with him. Then, if he keeps it up, just break it off in him in front of anybody and everybody when he does it again. I have known people who act fine one on one, but have to show their *** in a crowd for whatever reason. Most people like that learn from some humble pie! Good luck with dealing with it, and I'm looking forward to seeing your Scamp progress into what you want it to be. Most of us guys here are older (I'm 67) and have been fiddling with cars our whole lives, so there should be no shortage of help available as you need it.

:thumbsup:
 
calicowilly13 said:
Slant. I’m currently working on pulling the engine and getting it over to the machine shop to make sure it’s useable. I bought it from a buddy and he parked it in 2011 due to severe overheating, but drove it occasionally if needed before then. Here is a link to the convo we had about his time with it.



I’ve been doing a video doc about it, but need to work on editing the third installment.
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Why not see if it'll run before going thru all of that and see.. those engines can take a beating. I've had radiators clog solid, thermostats stick, hoses blow, and more cause overheats. It would suck to have the motor gone thru and find out when the fresh one overheats that is the radiator. .
I remember when I got my first ramcharger I got it in the fall. Come spring time it started to run hot.
Growing up I had a neighbor who owned a radiator shop, went and had him get me a new one. When I went to swap them out I found the front of the old one plugged solid with leaves and such. Couldn't see it with the AC condenser in the way. I blew it out and refilled it, burped the air out and ran it. no more overheating....
I never did put the new one in.
Not saying that's your problem but Ice seen cars parked in the back 40 for some really crazy minor problems.
How many miles on your car?
Now if you're doing what you're doing for the experience, or cuz you want to build it up "anyway, no matter what" that's great. But if it was mine I'd want to at least try to get it running before I went thru all of that just to see if it would
 
JDMopar said:
Thanks...I asked your ages because I wondered maybe if you were much younger, teens maybe and he hadn't had time to outgrow crap like that. You've gotten a lot of good advice here, so hopefully some of it will help you deal with him. You may just have to sit him down and have a heart to heart with him. Then, if he keeps it up, just break it off in him in front of anybody and everybody when he does it again. I have known people who act fine one on one, but have to show their *** in a crowd for whatever reason. Most people like that learn from some humble pie! Good luck with dealing with it, and I'm looking forward to seeing your Scamp progress into what you want it to be. Most of us guys here are older (I'm 67) and have been fiddling with cars our whole lives, so there should be no shortage of help available as you need it.

:thumbsup:
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Thanks JD. I’m not sure he will ever grow out of it. I did find out today that others have noticed his behavior without me saying anything. My dad and step mom stopped through and that was the first thing they mentioned while we were out to dinner. I’m looking forward to completing the project and conversing with everyone for y’all’s insight!
 
volaredon said:
Why not see if it'll run before going thru all of that and see.. those engines can take a beating. I've had radiators clog solid, thermostats stick, hoses blow, and more cause overheats. It would suck to have the motor gone thru and find out when the fresh one overheats that is the radiator. .
I remember when I got my first ramcharger I got it in the fall. Come spring time it started to run hot.
Growing up I had a neighbor who owned a radiator shop, went and had him get me a new one. When I went to swap them out I found the front of the old one plugged solid with leaves and such. Couldn't see it with the AC condenser in the way. I blew it out and refilled it, burped the air out and ran it. no more overheating....
I never did put the new one in.
Not saying that's your problem but Ice seen cars parked in the back 40 for some really crazy minor problems.
How many miles on your car?
Now if you're doing what you're doing for the experience, or cuz you want to build it up "anyway, no matter what" that's great. But if it was mine I'd want to at least try to get it running before I went thru all of that just to see if it would
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I’m mostly tearing it down to the block o make sure it isn’t cracked or warped beyond repair, and for the experience of rebuilding an engine. I did get it turning and it fired over with starting fluid. Before I started removing parts and such, it wasn’t getting any fuel from the tank to the fuel pump or beyond.
 
calicowilly13 said:
I’m mostly tearing it down to the block o make sure it isn’t cracked or warped beyond repair, and for the experience of rebuilding an engine. I did get it turning and it fired over with starting fluid. Before I started removing parts and such, it wasn’t getting any fuel from the tank to the fuel pump or beyond.
Click to expand...
volaredon said:
Why not see if it'll run before going thru all of that and see.. those engines can take a beating. I've had radiators clog solid, thermostats stick, hoses blow, and more cause overheats. It would suck to have the motor gone thru and find out when the fresh one overheats that is the radiator. .
I remember when I got my first ramcharger I got it in the fall. Come spring time it started to run hot.
Growing up I had a neighbor who owned a radiator shop, went and had him get me a new one. When I went to swap them out I found the front of the old one plugged solid with leaves and such. Couldn't see it with the AC condenser in the way. I blew it out and refilled it, burped the air out and ran it. no more overheating....
I never did put the new one in.
Not saying that's your problem but Ice seen cars parked in the back 40 for some really crazy minor problems.
How many miles on your car?
Now if you're doing what you're doing for the experience, or cuz you want to build it up "anyway, no matter what" that's great. But if it was mine I'd want to at least try to get it running before I went thru all of that just to see if it would
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It has 50k on the odo but the seller said it probably turned over at least once. Other thing I wanted to do was get it out to clean off the inch or so of grime that has accumulated over the last 50+ years.
 
volaredon said:
Not necessarily. My dad had and then passed to my brother, a 76 feather duster /6 3 speed manual brakes (4 wheel 9" drums) manual steering. I remember I used to have a get book of all the service bulletins from 1976 and there was something about 76 model year cars built after 1/1/76 being govt mandated to have front disc brakes and up to then could still have front drums. And this one did.
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I have discs up front in the scamp. Built 10/75 according to the door badge.
 
The older I get (59) the less patience I have for people who don't view the world in a similar fashion. I don't have time for stupid or drama.Not interested in the least. I will walk away and never speak to you again. I am 100% ok with that. Whatever time I have left on this rock it will not be entertaining idiots or suffering fools.

If someone/something doesn't lift you up then walk away from it. Just like I did both of my older sisters.
 
calicowilly13 said:
Hi all,

Here is a thing I’ve been dealing with my whole life. I am the youngest of three brothers and my middle brother constantly craps on anything I do and has to berate me in front of anyone as much as possible. I’m a pretty laid back dude but he has always gotten to me. So, I recently got a Mopar A Body for a restoration/cruiser project. He has always considered himself the mechanic of the family, even though we have an uncle and cousin that do that for a living. We are in a group chat with my uncle and we’re talking about current things we are in to, and I posted a pic of the car I’m working on and my brother immediately talked me down and said I’m gonna learn what it takes. I’ve started projects before, just not Mopar. He called me out for this car being my first and “I’m gonna learn, tearing them down is easier than building them up” which I do agree with but didn’t like that he had to jump himself into a thread he wasn’t apart of. Me and my brother were talking about the project a few minutes before I posted the message and he didn’t say anything like that to me. Am I being a brat that I’m mad at him for talking crap? I know this is more of a working on cars thread these issues(not just car stuff) have been bugging me for years.
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Sounds like he is passive aggressive and jealous. Pull him into it and then ask him why he does that to you. That will wake him up. Prob stop him from doing it also.
 
Hearing that other family members are also noticing his behavior is a big step towards either helping you correct it, or justifying your next move of correcting it yourself. As for the car? He has no input into what you do with it anyway, so my advise is to enjoy building it the way you want, and sharing it with like minded people such as here, your parents, and any family members that you get along with. He will eventually be on the outside of everybody he pisses off, and you will be none the worse for wear.
 
Some people are just assholes and can't help it. Years ago. I worked whee we had a mechanic to keep stuff running. He loved to tell everyone, just how stupid and ignorant they are. I told him one morning when I was not at my usual happy best, that one morning, he would spout off and I would do my best to kick his ***, I didn't care of he was bigger, younger or even badder. Well one morning I knocked him on his ***. Well, I still had my job, and it was like the day I got thrown out of Club Scouts. Or was it I just got an early promotion to Boy Scouts??? Dunno. :BangHead: :BangHead:
 
You can "pick your nose, pick your seat in the show and pick at a azz". You can't pick your relatives. I wish my whole family, my b&s and in laws, were not in my life at all. I am not condoning violent action, but a threat of a board upside the head, would do wonders, I think. It did with 1 of my people.(use an oak board).
 
I've been a ball of fire again for a few days courtesy of my brother... My wife found out they have it on Zillow already, listed for sale and hour before my wife seen the fake book post.. they supposedly had an open house Sunday. .
Like my own freaking brother can't call and TELL me???? And they ruined that house it looks like Hell now, being all flat white throughout.
They definitely made it a less attractive house...
There were some issues with it that needed to be fixed that I thought WE were going to work on over the winter and put it on the market in the spring.... The " realtor" seems to be some fly by night company from several states away....
The area code comes from VA and we're in Illinois..... My wife, my son and even my mother in law agree with me that they're trying to "pull" something.... They haven't called me in 6 weeks, aside from 1 text (which does not count as they know I loathe, despise texting).....the idiots should have waited til close to when school ends for the season to list it.... My older brother was saying that when I last heard from him as well ... He's supposed to be "in charge" but somehow let the little brother and his wife take over and run EVERYTHING..... And I'm stuck here as the middle brother...
 
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