Fart and Dart

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Dicer

Dicer

70 Swinger
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verb: To fart and leave others to enjoy the fumes.

Having perfected this technique years ago in the service, I thought it would be an excellent time once again to exploit this wasted talent. While grocery shopping with the wife I have determined I cannot put anything in the shopping cart. this included anything that contained alcohol, tobacco products, anything that would serve as instant gratification such as chips, slim jims and or beef jerky, and no reading material that contains more pictures then words. Another words just a pack mule, put the sacks in the back of the car. Next week and help with a breakfast burrito I was ready, timing is ever so critical. Third aisle, yes she bends down to the lower shelves and checks her coupons, bombs away. Slowly I move ahead with the cart, I turn around and much to my surprise and delight there was another lady reaching for area where my wife was......the looks they gave each other was way too much for me to bare. I quickly egress myself around the corner, and tried to contain my laughter. Needless to say the rest of the shopping and the ride home was in angered silence, but I still had my smirk on my face. And I was never asked to go shopping again, I say a job well done.

Great Spirits Have Always Encountered Violent Opposition From Mediocre Minds
Albert Einstein
 
the local shopping hole is always good for some fun
I remember one day being in the bread toppings aisle, trying to pick out some peanut butter
now, me and my wife have JUST been married and this will be the very first jar of PB we ever bought together

now, you have to realize that up until this point, my mom has been solely responsible for buying my PB and I have no idea what I like

so were standing in front of the rack, looking over the options and the first thing we need to narrow down is "smooth" or "chunky"

(and this is my fault for not noticing the slight vibration of the floor)

but I tell the wife "i just don't like the chunky ones"
her eyes get big and at the same moment as the words leave my lips I feel a breeze wipe passed me
it is at this very moment I feel the gaze of two women fall upon me, in a very disapproving way

I think it goes without saying these women were of same tonnage as rosy o donnel, and most likely of the liberal persuasion because they took what I had said to my wife and thought I was talking about them
 
I like letting one rip around the 'coffin freezers'. Seem to hang around quite nicely. Then mosey to the end of the aisle and wait for next unsuspecting victim. The looks on their faces makes a trip to WallyWorld seem almost worth it..
 
Ben Drinkin said:
I like letting one rip around the 'coffin freezers'. Seem to hang around quite nicely. Then mosey to the end of the aisle and wait for next unsuspecting victim. The looks on their faces makes a trip to WallyWorld seem almost worth it..
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ROFLMAO! Priceless.
 
LOL - only you...
Ben Drinkin said:
I like letting one rip around the 'coffin freezers'. Seem to hang around quite nicely. Then mosey to the end of the aisle and wait for next unsuspecting victim. The looks on their faces makes a trip to WallyWorld seem almost worth it..
Click to expand...
 
After couple hot dogs I may try that some time at the NAPA store where I worked a couple years Ben Drinkin, let one rip in the pain area and ask for help
 
after many years of building highrise condos I have become very proficient at elevator bombing , A couple of years ago I built a game studio for Microsoft and the gals running the office up there used to return my bombs by calling me to grab something a subtrade had left up there off the elevator they were sending down . Dirty Girls gotta love em Eh .
 
I dropped a great one once. The guy close by mistook it for leaking sewer gas. I pretended to sniff around to help him find the leak. He was sniffing that thing up like there was no tomorrow. Course I was sniffing around where I new it wasn't.
 
You guys are SICK!, and I can't believe you do things like that.

I only do that to a bunch of old women in Walmart blocking the entire isle bullshittin.
Funny to watch them back away from each other and the conversation die out real quick and I always wonder what they said about each other afterwards and who to.
 
A buddy of mine always used get a very serious look on his face and ask folks if anyone smelled anything burning. Gets them every time.
 
Wife had me eating oatmeal and yogurt for breakfast for a week. I chose to supplement this with tuna fish and hard boiled eggs for lunch. Almost couldn't stand to be around myself in the evening. Add chili dogs or taco bell for dinner, it's all over...
 
I worked for a moving crew for a few years - sooner or later it just happens while you're all trapped in the cab of the truck -best done when the guys are already "green" from being out drinking the night before.. extra hilarious when you're driving and they can't reach your window... "I told you I'd get you back for...." :D
 
Back in the 70's when I was 18 I worked at Clark Drugs in SoCal. The store had low shelves in the aisles. One time I was standing there facing the dog food aisle talking to a buddy. Suddenly he ducks down and rips a loud fart. A young mom type on the next aisle over turns around and is looking at me eye to eye with a disgusted look on her face. It was such a beautiful set-up on me I couldn't be pissed at him. We still laugh about that to this day.
 
I got kicked out of a mall once for experimenting with fart spray to see people's reactions...

Of course I couldn't warn anyone, or it would have biased my test as to which one was more noticeable...

If they were expecting it, then it wouldn't have been a surprise...

FYI: Fart spray was more effective than stink bombs....
 
A carload of us were leaving a weekend party on a Sunday morning and Police were checking every vehicle for drunk drivers. Cop sticks his head in ds window and we were all laughing.
Cop Says .."what's so funny?"
My friend Dave responds " he just **** his.pants" while pointing to our buddy in passenger seat.
Cop backs out immediately and says "get going! "
Lol perfect timing.
 
ScampMike said:
I worked for a moving crew for a few years - sooner or later it just happens while you're all trapped in the cab of the truck -best done when the guys are already "green" from being out drinking the night before.. extra hilarious when you're driving and they can't reach your window... "I told you I'd get you back for...." :D
Click to expand...


Ahhhahaahaa, I had a similar experience. I too worked for Mayflower many many moons ago, we were moving an office and there was a safe in a very small room. Well...myself and another were in the room, about 6 foot by 8 foot and were working with guys outside in getting this safe out..the safe was half in and half out of the doorway and I let one go, and it was baaaad, the poor guy in the room with me couldn't get out, lmao.
 
Best invention ever are power window locks for the driver. Just ask my wife and kids! Actually they may not agree...
 
I went to Ralphs the other day to buy three items. At the checkout counter the cashier asks if I would like a bag with that. I replied, "No thanks. I already have one at home"

Cashier sneered at me and the big bearded guy holding a gallon jug of Jack Daniels started belly laughing.
 
[ame="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r-YjmXt15sg"]Despicable Me - Anti Gravity and Fart Gun [1080p] HD - YouTube[/ame]
 
I have bombed my old lady in Wal-Mart and the 1st few times it was funny. She started with calling me a nasty pig after a few times so I had to stop doing it in front of her and being revealed to the rest of the store.
 
"Fart and dart" ...I never heard the expression before, but isn't that what everybody does? Lol, who's gonna fart and just stand there?:banghead:
 
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