anybody got kids, past or present i got questions

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moparlover said:
you have to keep them busy... take them fishing, help work on cars, take them swimming, etc. etc. etc. during those times you will have plenty of opportunity to teach them about life. they need plenty of talk time, plenty of dad time. it helps them grow up good.
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I agree with this, big-time. I had my boys in swimming every night for 2 hours when they were younger and my daughter was in dance for 7 years. Let me tell you, not much room left for hyperactivity after that, but we sure spent a lot of money on food. :D I'm sooo into activities for kids. Also, I've got to say, whenever any of them got "thrashed" for doing wrong, there was never question in their minds about how much we loved them.
 
Matt your lucky you have them young and moldable. Like MeMike said I believe todays kids are being chemically poisoned from several sources. A lot of things you don't even think about. Eliminate as much sugar as you can from their diets. Not just the obvious like candy but all the soft and fruit drinks along with all the sugared cereal. Eliminate all the artificial preservatives. Read package labels don't feed them anything with MSG in it. Don't let them have any caffeine. Cut back on the fast food of all kinds even the stuff thats advertised as "good" for kids. You or the wife can drink a coke and not have it bother you but little kids can't handle the caffeine or sugar. Attention disorders misbehaviour and acting out are mostly attributed to diet, lack of excercise, staying up late and not sleeping well. You cant modify their behaviour over night but slowly you'll notice changes. I do disagree about corporal punishment though. Beating a child won't solve any problems. My advise is worth exactly what you paid for it. Dan
 
moparmat2000 said:
until then as long as she lives under our roof and we are paying her way, everything she does is our business.

I believe her younger siblings are watching all this.
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Hear hear. I told my son that as long as he lived here, he was subject to search and seizure at any given time. I've done it a 3 AM too. LOL
 
My daughter learned very early not to play one parent against the other. She found out it only ended up bad for her.
Fast forward a few years...my daughter was 7 and my son was 2 when my ex-wife and I divorced and I was suddenly a full-time single parent. One thing that helped a lot was that both kids learned to count to three at a very young age. Why? When I wanted something done I asked the first time, that was "1"; if it didn't get done then they got told to do it, that was "2"; "3" was non-verbal and there wasn't a reminder before, just a swat on the backside that got their attention. After several times they knew I meant business when I said, "That's 'two'".
Another thing that helped immensely was to be firm yet fair, and above all, consistent. They learned they could always count on me and that I meant what I said, both good and bad.
Seven years later I remarried and then had to deal with something new - step-kids and a blended family. I won't sugarcoat it, it was difficult. New wife had a different philosophy in dealing with her two boys than I did with my kids. That and the fact that a step-parent rarely gets the respect given to a natural parent. I was tested many times and a lot of times had to eat my words and actions rather than say or do what I felt was right.
It may be difficult but it can be done. I still believe the fair-but-firm approach and complete honesty is best. Today both my kids are in their 30's, doing well and thank me for raising them as I did. My wife's sons are both hard-working, have kids of their own and are also doing well.
Together we must have done something right.
As said before, activities are also key. Although we did the usual Little League baseball and other things, my wife's sons chose to be more active with their natural father on the weekends he had them. All well and good.
My daughter was involved in dance and ice-skating when she was younger, but really shined in fast-pitch softball starting about age 8 through high-school and ended up with a full-ride scholarship to college from it so it was money well-spent. She was also involved in her jr. high and high school band Color Guard during those years. My son played Pop Warner football and Little League baseball. Keeping them active and busy with healthy activities helps keep them from looking for things to do.
 
I couldn't agree more, that both parents must work together....
my daughter just turned 18 and my son is 16 and believe me they will go back and fourth from mom to dad and try these type of tactics as they get older..
but yes I am old school and have many belts and a paddle I built for my son a few years back when I was called to his school...I brought him home and didnt say a word, just had him watch me build the paddle and then when finished, I used it..
I have 2 great kids and just keep the paddle hanging in the kitchen as a reminder...
but I only tell them once, I dont believe in yelling, they arent soldiers....
so good luck, and dont forget to reward them when they do good and listen..
 
One Word CONSISTENCY ,I have raised 8 [ six girls] and now have 25 grand kids ,4 great grandkids and counting . Same rules, never changed for any of them and they love it.
 
I raised 3 kids, now grown youngest is 29, oldest is 40.

What I found to work best is "You want something from me, I want something from you".

You want a cell phone. I want your room kept clean. A little messy is OK, but it must be clean.
You want to borrow the car. Before you can even consider that, your homework and household chores need to be done.
...and so on.

I've made it clear to each of them that life isn't free, and just about anything you want, or want to do has a value to it.

Your step daughters aren't too old to learn that lesson. They have responsibilities, for which you are willing to respond.

Some of the things that are EXPECTED, and are not negotiable, or rewardable are things like behavior. When Mom or Dad tell you to do something, you do it, out of respect, and good manners.

They will of course, fight back at first, but when you and they come to the understanding that just as they have expectations of you for a love, protection, a clean and stable home, good food, clothes, etc. You also have expectations of them. Respect, manners, help around the house. None of that should need to be requested. It is EXPECTED.

Once they learn that it really isn't so bad to spend 10 minutes helping with the dishes, or to keep their rooms clean, or to talk politely and respectfully to their elders and family, things usually settle down, until they reach their middle to late teens.

But, they have to learn while they are still young that life is a two way street, and you reap what you sow.
 
Bigger man than me. I can't/won't raise some other dude kids. I'm not built that way.
Best of luck to you.
 
The biggest point that I have read here is that you and the wife need to remain in agreement before the children. If you let them they will drive a wedge between you to get their way. If you and the wife don't agree, deal with it behind closed doors.

We have raised three girls and the youngest one has been babied by her mother and it has made life a living hell at times. She is married and it is still a living hell for her husband (he is no angel either) at times all because of her mother. The other two girls weren't babied and the oldest is from my first marriage.
 
Never raised a kid but you mention hyperactive....and someone threw in add/adhd. Was told by a few docs that add/adha in a child very well may lead to future mental health issues, in particular bi-polar. For that matter add/adhd & bi-polar share a lot of the same traits. One thing that helps me is a structure of sorts. And a routine. If one of you lets them get away with things and the other does not you will be forever in an uphill battle. If they truly do have some sort of a mental disease all the beating on them with a belt etc will do nothing as they do not process things like a normal person does. Just ask any one of my former bosses how well I responded to them when they threatened me, especially if I knew it was an empty threat.
Far be it from me to offer advice here........but.......you might want to seek the help of a trained mental health expert, one that specializes in children. Better to find out now that there chemistry set might be a bit off.....because if it is and you ignore it everyone involved will pay for it in one way or another......
 
First thing remember that your the adult and must act like one. You may not be the daddy but you are the father but it is hard on kids. Try to look at it from their point. I've found that dealing with children from working as a teacher and a Case Manager is that you have to make it look like they are making the choice. If you have something you want them to do offer to things, say clean room or clean the toilets. Make the second choice a lot worse than the first one. Also remember to reward them, not Xboxes or stuff but with thanks you's and genuine love. Give the kids some ownership be firm, plus u can always ground them and take away things. Just remember a physical discipline especially with a belt can get DCFS involved especially with step kids.

Plus, remember how you were at 7 I know I was a hyperactive kid, take em out side and run em.
 
First you need to love them and not be afraid to show it! Diet is important as I see lots of this in kids who get too much processed sugar products. I teach martial arts to students young and old and find that if you discipline them firmly and fairly they will respect you. You may have to spank at first, but caution that if you do it do not do it because " you have had enough". One good swat should be all that it takes and it is best given with a good hug and reminder of your love after, you should not spank to hurt it is wrong and ineffective. I find that if I spell out the rules clearly and stick to them consistently I have the best results. finally you need to discuss with your wife and back each other up 100%, counting to ten really can help you when they get on your nerves as well. Good luck, this is one of the most important things you will do in your life, take the time to do it well.
 
1970Duster said:
Bigger man than me. I can't/won't raise some other dude kids. I'm not built that way.
Best of luck to you.
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What can i say i love my wife, this extends to her kids before me. You cannot accept a woman to be your wife and not accept her children even tho they are not your biological children. That mentality will never work.

The reason i posed these questions, because i was raised differently than she was, i had a stable home with 2 parents, we did what we were told, did chores, talked to them with respect, etc etc.

Unfortunately my wife did not have this "structure" growing up. She had a single divorced mom who wasnt home very much leaving her at a very young age to care for her younger siblings sometimes never seeing "mom" for 7 to 10 days at a time. I know my wife does the best she can, she is a great mom, but like all of us everybody can use good advice now and then. i asked her to read all the suggestions, and what y'all did raising your kids. She wants our kids on the right track as much as i do.

These kids and my wife had a rough life before i came into the picture. To say the man that fathered these kids is a dad is an absolute joke. I will not go into detail except to say he is not in their lives, to them i am daddy.

There have been changes in our household starting today for the better for all of us. I know kids are loud and have lots of energy, the problem was the kids not doing what they are told to do, and various other things we both find unacceptable.

We also have a child of our own who is now 8 months old. Whereas we are playing catch up on his older siblings, we are starting with him from day one.

Thank you everybody for your suggestions, we will be picking from this thread the things that work for us

Matt
 
moparmat2000 said:
You cannot accept a woman to be your wife and not accept her children even tho they are not your biological children. That mentality will never work.
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You Sir have my complete respect. Some folks might not understand where you are coming from.....and that is to bad for them......These are probably the same person that will spend his life putting on a front that he is content and happy while he is walking around with his trophy on his arm. The same trophy that makes well grounded folks just cringe....and then laugh uncontrollably.....
 
moparmat2000 said:
What can i say i love my wife, this extends to her kids before me. You cannot accept a woman to be your wife and not accept her children even tho they are not your biological children. That mentality will never work.
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Good man.


Every kid is different and responds to their punishments/incentives in different ways. Maybe figuring theirs out as individuals is a good starting point.
 
seabee said:
Good man.


Every kid is different and responds to their punishments/incentives in different ways. Maybe figuring theirs out as individuals is a good starting point.
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I agree everybody is different, this is why i think this thread is so important to my wife and myself. Lots of good ideas offered. Whichever ones work we will use..
 
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