Lone Ranger and Tonto

[GKTBAY]

The Lone Ranger and Tonto camping in the desert, got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.

Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, "Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see?"

The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars. my friend."

"What that tell you?", asked Tonto

The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says,

"Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful and we are so small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What's it tell you, Tonto?"

Tonto replies,
"You dumber than buffalo poop. It means someone stole the tent!"

 

[Ahoey]

Lone Ranger and Tonto on horse back, all of a sudden they were surrounded by 100’s of Indians with war paint Lone Ranger says to Tonto “what do we do now Tonto?”
To which Tonto replied “what do you mean we white man”

 

[Unconventional]

 

[JDMopar]

Lone Ranger and Tonto on horse back, all of a sudden they were surrounded by 100’s of Indians with war paint Lone Ranger says to Tonto “what do we do now Tonto?”
To which Tonto replied “what do you mean we pale face?”

Fixed it for you....lol.

 

[Mark Wainwright]

The Lone Ranger not knowing that Tonto had disguised himself as a pool table racked his balls.
The Lone Ranger not knowing that Tonto had disguised himself as an elevator went down on him

 

[Bobacuda]

Tonto and the Lone Ranger out on the trail. At some point, the Lone Ranger had to relive himself, and a rattlesnake bit him on the end of his “crank.”

“Tonto, quick, get the field medicine book and see what we need to do!”

Tonto read the book and said, “First, tie the bitten area off with a snug, not tight, tourniquet to slow down the venom from moving. Next make small incisions on each fang mark to promote flow. The Ranger screamed in agony as this was done.”

After the incisions were made, the Lone Ranger knew the venom had to be drawn out, so he asked Tonto, “How do we get the venom out? What next? What does the book say?”

Tonto read the book, looked very sad at the Lone Ranger and said, “It says just wait…you’re going to die.”

 

[67Dart273]

My favorite. The Lone Ranger, long since retired and elderly, was reading Tonto's memoirs and discovered that "Kemo Sabe" means "horses ***"

 

[Mark Wainwright]

My favorite. The Lone Ranger, long since retired and elderly, was reading Tonto's memoirs and discovered that "Kemo Sabe" means "horses ***"

There seems to be a lot of Kemo Sabe's these days

 

[Bobacuda]

 

[Bobacuda]

 

[harrisonm]

The Lone Ranger and Tonto are riding in the desert. The Lone Ranger says, “Tonto did you **** your pants?” Tonto says “No Kemp Sabe.” A little while later the Lone Ranger says, “Tonto are you sure you didn’t **** your pants?” Tonto says, “No Kemo Sabe.” That night when they are camping Tonto takes off his pants and they are caked with dried up crap on the inside. The Lone Ranger says, “I thought you said you did not **** your pants.” Tonto says, “Oh, Kemo Sabe, I thought you meant today.”

 

[Unconventional]

The Lone Ranger and Tonto are riding in the desert. The Lone Ranger says, “Tonto did you **** your pants?” Tonto says “No Kemp Sabe.” A little while later the Lone Ranger says, “Tonto are you sure you didn’t **** your pants?” Tonto says, “No Kemo Sabe.” That night when they are camping Tonto takes off his pants and they are caked with dried up crap on the inside. The Lone Ranger says, “I thought you said you did not **** your pants.” Tonto says, “Oh, Kemo Sabe, I thought you meant today.”

 

[jeff alder]

A tennis pro has a huge tournament 2 weeks away when he starts having severe soreness in his elbow. He rushes to his doctor to get checked out. The doctor tells him he just got a new machine that can tell him about any of his ailments from a urinalysis. Piss in this cup. So the doctor takes the urine sample back to the secret room with the secret machine and comes back with a tiny ticker tape. You just have tennis elbow. Here is some salve it will be fine before your tournament in 2 weeks. So a week and a half later the tennis pro feels no better. He rushes back to the doctor and said Doc you ripped me off. My elbow feels no better and you don't have a secret machine that can test my urine. The doctor replied...look I'm very busy right now take this cup and bring the fresh sample back and Ill test it for free. So the tennis pro decides he is going to trick the doctor. He puts his wife's piss in the cup along with some of his dog's urine. Then he jerks off in the cup and rushes back to the doctors office. The doctor took the cup back to the secret room with the secret machine and this time comes back with a much longer ticker tape. The tennis pro is like well Doc what's the verdict do I still have tennis elbow. The doctor replied...Buddy you have problems. The tennis pro said well I thought you claimed I only have tennis elbow. The doctor said no it's much worse and the tennis pro replied how much worse could it be. The doctor replied...Well your wife is pregnant by the mail man; your dog has worms and if you don't quit jerking off in your urine samples you will never get rid of your freakin' tennis elbow.