Step Daughter problems (need advise)

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Sharko

Sharko

Sharko
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I have a 19 year old step daughter thats disrespectful, unmotivated, lazy, no job, and a compulsive liar. I kicked her out the house once and she was gone for adout 8 months. She went to live with her aunt and got kicked out of there after a few months, and then stayed with a few different friends and got kicked out of there also. Now she is back home and its the same old **** again, she thinks she can just run the streets all day and night and come home to shower and change clothes. I've done nothing but tried to help her. I bought her 2 cars and shes done nothing but completely trashed them. Every panel scratched up and dented even the roof and burn marks all over the interior, and there now both in the scrap yard. I'm to my last nerve here and want some advise on what to do. As of right now I'm waiting until it gets a little warmer so I can kick her *** to the curb. But would like everyones opinion on the matter.
PLEASE HELP
 
It's way past time for tough love. When you keep GIVING her stuff that makes you what is known as an "enabler". One car, maybe. The second should have never happened. It's time for a serious counselor, and some tough talk---and be ready to back it up--from you.

One thing that is REQUIRED is rent money, chores around the house, and money (to you) for food.
 
Well start with making her get and keep a job if she wants a roof over her head. Your wife whats her role in all this? Once she starts making money. Make her pay rent maybe not alot but enough to make her know she has to pay her way. Keep that money (if your not hard up for it) save it for her till she gets 3 months rent and then "set her up in an apartment"
 
Take the car back, if she still has one. I'm guessing you probably also pay for her gas and insurance since she doesn't have a job. I know it's tough being a step parent in this situation. I went through it with my step daughter, and my wife was the enabler, no matter how much I tried to take privileges away and try to hold her accountable, my wife always gave in to her. It was when my wife finally started seeing things my way (almost) that she finally got off her butt, got THREE jobs and an apartment. She eventually had enough of the 3 part time dead-end jobs and joined the Army.

I posted an almost identical thread about her about 2 years ago.
 
Its time for military standards,its my way or the highway and its starts now,don,t like it,leave and don,t let the door hit you in the *** on the way out,mrmopartech
 
I agree with finding out what the wife thinks. To be honest, its a lost cause if she isnt on your side in this. I agree with everyone above, 2 cars, no job... Did she get her grade 12?? My youngest boys last day at school is tomorrow. I told him he has 2 weeks to get a job. Brought him home school calendars from the college to get him motivated. We actually took a look together. One way or another you have to contribute to something......the household, society, work, school...something or you are just suckin up air!!
 
67Dart273 said:
It's way past time for tough love. When you keep GIVING her stuff that makes you what is known as an "enabler". One car, maybe. The second should have never happened. It's time for a serious counselor, and some tough talk---and be ready to back it up--from you.

One thing that is REQUIRED is rent money, chores around the house, and money (to you) for food.
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Add to this the removal of her bedroom door unless her rent is paid and up to date. Been here done this. Make it suck to stay there, and she will leave real quick. I actually bought a cheap fridge; then bolted a pad lock to it, and put a lock on the front door that was dead bolted before I went to sleep. My wife was not happy, but it was either that or a divorce
 
Ah! The dreaded step daughter. I feel your pain. My stepdaughter was EXACTLY the same way as yours is at this time. Me and my wife have been at odds regarding my stepdaughter for years now. Felicia (stepdaughter) has lived in and out of our home several times up to this point. She was a good kid when she was a younger teenager (till 16) then the problems started. She does not listen to what she should listen to and has been pregnant 3 times now. She is now 24 and my wife and I have custody of her 1st born. the 2nd is in custody of a friend of my wife. She just had her 3rd last month and she has custody of the baby but she needs to be supervised at all times and adhere to court ordered programs to regain any chance of keeping this child. no matter the least getting the other two back. She has spent time in the streets and we had no choice but to put her out because of her behaviour. She has been diagnosed as severe adult ADHD, Bi polar and is on medication. Well she has finally started to get it that after she hit rock bottom that she needed to get her life together or she would end up dead or in jail. She did spend 3 months in jail for assaulting my other grandchild who was 3 at the tome. This is her brothers child which we also have custody of. I told my wife after several chances with this girl that I could not deal with her any more and we were forced to put her out. We have tried so hard with her and got her counseling services. gave her $ for her apartments, all of which she has been evicted from. She cannot hold down a job, and is now mixed up with a Mexican guy who does nothing to help her or the new baby out. I have kind of washed my hands of her at this point due to her constant drama and lies and stories. Sometimes tough love is the best thing. Tell her that she either needs to get it together or out the door you go. As cold as this sounds, it is sometimes your only option. My step daughter is currently trying to keep her apartment but I told her and my wife that I WILL NOT help her out financially. I just cannot do it. She is a big girl and an adult and needs to start to fend for herself. It is kind of sad because she was brought up right, but listens to her "friends" and always ends up on the losing side by the decisions she makes. All I can do now is pray for her. I have told her if i see progress from her and she is truly trying to maintain an apartment and a job, then I would be willing to help her out some. We will see......
 
Yes she finished school barely by going to a alternative school to graduate. She has no car now because she trashed both of them. And my wife is definately a enabler because I'll lay down the rules and then after a few days she lets the **** start all over again. Also my wife and I travel alot and when were gone she has poeple in the house when shes not suppose to and **** always comes up missing. It's just putting a real stain on our relationship and I'm sick and tired of all the bullshit.
 
If she lets people into YOUR home without YOUR permission and lets them STEAL from YOU then thats just a sign that she needs to LEAVE. I know it sounds cold but thats exactly what happend with my neice. I know it will probly nt be fun bt that would imho send me over the edge.
 
i have raised 3 step daughters and if your wife aint on board it will never work they will go behind your back and play you for a fool you need to get on base with your wife then go from ther tough love only works when both parents are using it take care
 
As soon as the cops come and start questioning her over your missing property, she'll stop having people over
 
excellent advice guys.......my mother made me start paying $20/week when i worked the summer when i was 14.......back in 1981. I didn't like it at the time but it did wonders in the long run. I say she either starts to contribute or she gets kicked out and no coming back this time.......I've got a friend who has a 36 year old son and she pays for everything - even paid for his cell phone last year when he racked up over $400 in 1 months' charges because he was whining that it was going to be turned off. She asked me "When is he going to start acting like a man?" I said, "When you make him act like one. Stop wiping his rearend (not the exact word I used)."

you are either working actively to solve the problem or you like living that way.....and I don't mean this in an offensive way. There is no way I'd tolerate some of that stuff, esp the part abt her having people over and stuff missing. If your wife continued to let her do what she wants then she will never amount to anything.

I'm having a few issues with my in-laws, and I put it to my father-in-law that if he continued to disrespect me by doing things he was told not to do I'd put a stop to him seeing my kids. He didn't like it and told my wife that (but wouldn't tell me), but that's too bad - I'm the captain of this ship, not him.
 
By continuing to supply a roof over her head you are then enabler.
 
I forgot to mention that I have been down the stepdaughter road before, so I feel for ya. As well my oldest son moved out to his moms after me raising him for 17 years. He was skipping school (got kicked out) found pot and stole money from me. He is only 3 credits away from his diploma. Mom is a waste of saggy foul flesh cuz she had nothing to do with them all this time, now allows him to do nothing.
 
My wife has been an enabler for her for years and my stepdaughter knows that all she needs to do is start her drama and my wife will come running. me and my wife have had several arguments regarding this and i have told her point blank that her own daughter continues to stick a knife in her despite all of her kindness and help she has offered to her daughter.i finally told my wife that she needs to keep me out of her daily issues. I do not need to hear it. I follow what's going on in other ways and know that my step daughter is still the same.with the lies, stories and bullshit excuses. What my wife does not realize as that I have access to her court proceedings because I also signed the papers for guardianship of her other daughter so i am allowed to see her files.
 
At 19 its still pretty young. But your wife has to understand that it doesnt help her to allow her to be the way she is. Bring her on here to hear some of the stories these guys have posted maybe your wife will get a clue. She needs to be working if nothing else. And helping out. One way to help your wife see the light You yourself stop cleaning up and helping out. When things start to pile up or your wife gets tired then she will understand
 
You can only begin to "fix" this with your wife on board with you all the way. You both need to have a plan and stick to it......Good Luck, it's a tough road. Moms are softies when it comes to their daughters.
 
.....and then print out this thread and make her read it aloud.
 
Thanks for some of your personel expieriences I really appreciate the advise. This girl is a lost cause in my eyes. She dont learn from any of her mistakes. You could talk to her until your blue in the face and it does no good. I hate to say it but I think the only thing that is gonna wake her up to reality is jail. If she was underage I would pay to send her off to a boot camp. This girl just don't understand life and thinks the world revolves around her. She needs a severe wake up call.
 
Verify if she is beyond the point of no return, because there is some pieces of work walking this planet that will never improve because they just don't give a flying #uck.
As a last resort one might need to change the door locks on the house.
 
Sharko said:
Thanks for some of your personel expieriences I really appreciate the advise. This girl is a lost cause in my eyes. She dont learn from any of her mistakes. You could talk to her until your blue in the face and it does no good. I hate to say it but I think the only thing that is gonna wake her up to reality is jail. If she was underage I would pay to send her off to a boot camp. This girl just don't understand life and thinks the world revolves around her. She needs a severe wake up call.
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You are right with that brother. Believe me I have been on this road with BOTH of my step kids for years. They have stole our mortgage money in the past and it gets to a point where you just need to walk away from them. You still love and care for them but it just tears you up with rage and frustration when they put you through the wringer. Call the police on her. We did when our stepdaughter assaulted the other grandchild and had her locked up. We also did when our stepson decided he was a "gang banger" and scratched up the neighbors car with a key twice. We knew he did it once we saw the writing on her car and the way the words were carved into the car. Oh yeah he is also a lost cause 4 kids, all different mothers, no responsibility for any of them, no job, living in R.I. Good riddance to him too. I feel your pain and frustration. i have been down this road twice now!!!
 
dustermaniac said:
Ah! The dreaded step daughter. I feel your pain. My stepdaughter was EXACTLY the same way as yours is at this time. Me and my wife have been at odds regarding my stepdaughter for years now. Felicia (stepdaughter) has lived in and out of our home several times up to this point. She was a good kid when she was a younger teenager (till 16) then the problems started. She does not listen to what she should listen to and has been pregnant 3 times now. She is now 24 and my wife and I have custody of her 1st born. the 2nd is in custody of a friend of my wife. She just had her 3rd last month and she has custody of the baby but she needs to be supervised at all times and adhere to court ordered programs to regain any chance of keeping this child. no matter the least getting the other two back. She has spent time in the streets and we had no choice but to put her out because of her behaviour. She has been diagnosed as severe adult ADHD, Bi polar and is on medication. Well she has finally started to get it that after she hit rock bottom that she needed to get her life together or she would end up dead or in jail. She did spend 3 months in jail for assaulting my other grandchild who was 3 at the tome. This is her brothers child which we also have custody of. I told my wife after several chances with this girl that I could not deal with her any more and we were forced to put her out. We have tried so hard with her and got her counseling services. gave her $ for her apartments, all of which she has been evicted from. She cannot hold down a job, and is now mixed up with a Mexican guy who does nothing to help her or the new baby out. I have kind of washed my hands of her at this point due to her constant drama and lies and stories. Sometimes tough love is the best thing. Tell her that she either needs to get it together or out the door you go. As cold as this sounds, it is sometimes your only option. My step daughter is currently trying to keep her apartment but I told her and my wife that I WILL NOT help her out financially. I just cannot do it. She is a big girl and an adult and needs to start to fend for herself. It is kind of sad because she was brought up right, but listens to her "friends" and always ends up on the losing side by the decisions she makes. All I can do now is pray for her. I have told her if i see progress from her and she is truly trying to maintain an apartment and a job, then I would be willing to help her out some. We will see......
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Maybe the medication is not taking effect anymore and she needs a higher dosage? My daughter(whom i have custody) mom has bi-polar. It does not make me an expert on it, but it does let me see the side of bi-polar. The never holding down a job will be the rest of her life. There will likely never be a change. There are people with bi-polar that do make something of themselves.
I had to do major research on bi-polar from a court order so i could gain custody of my daughter because i would have to deal with the mom forever.
Does she go to her counseling programs? and talking to a psychologist? She first needs to gain control of that side of her life before she will ever understand herself and be able to somewhat control her choices.

My daughters mom thought it would be best to become a stripper because the money was easy to get. I have been told that if bi-polar is caught early enough it will be easier to control. Your grandchildren will have a 50% chance of having bi-polar. So keep an eye on it and watch the behavior. Getting professional help early enough may help the child in long term.

To help the mom she would need to do all the above in order to help herself in long term. She has to be supervised with my daughter at all times. That will likely never be dropped, due to the choices and lifestyle.
 
She takes her meds when she chooses to do so. As for the dosage, she has been on different degrees of meds over the years. And we see that as you have indicated that the children also have ADHD at an early age. We have both of the grandchildren on medication and one of the grandchildren is currently seeing a psychologist due to his bizzare behaviour at age 7. You are also dead on about the fact that this will never change. I can clearly see this. My wife however, she still holds on to hope that they will "change" It is a losing battle.
 
And here is the exact reason why I'll never date/marry a single mother. I got mad respect for all of you guys that can do it. I know I couldn't do it, plain and simple. All single mothers are black listed from dating/marriage.
 
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